Don't look back

[still hopeful]

CZ,

I am honored that I am the first one to respond on your thread. The first piece of advice is to post here often, as I find it therapeutic to 'talk' about my thoughts and feelings that surround my sitch and those that don't.

You are not alone here. All of us here have hope: hope to reconcile, hope to learn from our pasts, hope to heal, hope to grow, hope to move on on way or the other in a happy, healthy and whole way.

We have many similarities in our situations. My D was final on July 11, 2007. I thought that I would feel relieved that it was all over when that day came, but I was overwhelmed by a wet blanket of sadness, emptiness, loneliness...failure.

I understand that I am not to blame alone for the demise of our M over time. We both contributed equally. We both lacked the necessary experience in healthy relationships, in communicating honestly, in being absolutely committed to the success of our above all else except our devotion to our God. I certainly see my part in that mess that was my M, but I am pretty certain that she does not yet see hers. About that, I can do nothing ...nothing except continue to work on improving me, that is.

I will also say that my biggest 'mistake', as I see it, is that I didn't force movement in my sitch sooner. XW told me that she wanted for us to be friends after the D and I told her that we would NEVER be friends. When she asked why, I told her that there was no room in that stable because it was filled with all of her old ex-BFs and being her husband, not only was there not any available room for me...we were married and that's a bit different than her other relationships. I don't think she really understood and I, in my wussy, backsliding way, have given her the impression that I am her GF/emotional tampon that she can bleed all of the emotion out of her 'stuff' with. My bad. Working to change that behavior now, 3 years into it, but working on the change nonetheless. As my friend, frank_D, told me, I am practicing NEW behavior with my XW and I should not be too hard on myself if I'm not practicing it perfectly right now...so I won't.

With our most recent talks and time together, I do easily get sucked in by pull of my XW's 'XW-itational' (similar to the gravitational pull of the sun on its orbiting planets). I get pulled into orbiting her and forgetting my goal of reconciling with her as her husband, not as her friend or her 'gofer.' Luckily, being her keeps me grounded and reminded of why I came here initially and why I return. I return because my journey is not yet finished.

Right now, I see hope for reconciling my M is warranted. I spent the first 2-1/2 years with XW telling me that there was NO hope and that one person couldn't save a M. I told her that I believed differently. What I don't see is her efforts to change herself because she has never really been in danger of feeling the effects of divorce because I keep showing up as her knight in shining armor (not too smart) and also because she hasn't really faced a really traumatic situation (her good fortune) since we split to necessitate her looking critically at herself (past and present), seeing a problem in herself or her life that necessitated changes in her, and since none of that has happened she hasn't made any efforts learn, grow and change to better herself.

Today, I fear that XW may come to me and say that she truly wants the opportunity to reconcile our M. Very early on in my sitch frank_D reminded me that I am not without power in our R. He told me that if I kept up my DB/reconciliation efforts and continued to grow and improve myself, I may, in fact, have XW come back to me and then I would be the one making the decision if that proposition was in my best interest. As I said above, I don't know if it is because she behaves in substantially the same way and I am not certain that without her SEEING the need to change and making a concerted effort to make those changes, she will NOT. And if she doesn't, I don't know how I will feel if given the opportunity to work on reconciling with a woman whose flaws are known to me. Can I live with those flaws that were previously such a challenge to stomach? I'd like to think so, but I don't know. I know that my communication skills and my willingness to speak honestly about my needs with her have improved dramatically, but I don't know.

Time will tell:
(1) if I ever get that chance,
(2) if she SEES the need to change,
(3) if she voices the desire to make those changes and works on effecting them,
(4) if she will voice her desires for the traits of her husband and is willing to hear my desires for the traits of my wife,
(5) if she is willing to compromise with me,
(6) if she will put the success of our M above all else, except our R with our God,
(7) if she will place me as her 2nd priority behind our God only,
(8) if she is willing to SHOW me consistently, to the best of her ability, that I am her chosen man; her husband.

What I have learned is that reconciling is about being patient until it is time to NOT be patient. It is about pushing behind the scenes and when right, pushing up front. It is about strengthening one's spirit to withstand the inevitable gut shots one receives along the way from our noble efforts. It is about improving ourselves so that should the opportunity to reconcile arrive, we will be new to our XS; new and improved!

In time, I will show all of the above to XW. I hope that I have that opportunity to work on making our marriage what we had hoped we would make it in the beginning. And now, I pray for my God's wisdom to act appropriately to effect His will in my life, to be his obedient son, to lay down all that is keeping me from Him.

Thanks for listening.

Tom