Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

[sandi2]

I mean, she actually said to me, "Am I ashamed of what I've done? I guess somewhat, but I'm more ashamed that you told the kids". How does she not get that if she hadn't had the affair, the kids wouldn't have had to be told anything?

As you may remember, this was my argument in not telling the kids. The way she looks at it was "why did you have to bring the kids in on our private problems?" She's thinking that the kids would not have had to know if you had not told them! Plus, she feels that you betrayed her when you made her out to be the worse possible parent in the world to her children. Yes, I know it all sounds backward from the way you see it b/c you see her as the wayward wife. She did the sin, so she has to pay. Right? Were you her Judge and did you sentence her? I can tell you that she feels that way toward you. So, if it is taking her longer than you think it should to get her act together, you need to remember all of this that is going around in her head.

No matter what a mother does or how low she sinks, she does not want her children to know b/c they put her up high in the rank of respect (you know, "motherhood" and all that) and when she knows that that has been shattered, then she never, ever believes that they will feel the same toward her again. You took that from her. That is the way she feels. I know, you believe she did that to herself when she had the affair and that she should have thought about all of that, etc., etc. But, that is not the mind of a WAW and that was what I tried to tell you when you were considering exposing her to the kids. She sees you, her husband, doing this damage to her R with her children that can never be undone. You feel that the A was the worst she could do to you, but a mother feel that what YOU did is the worst that could be done to her. Have you ever considered that? That is the difference between men and women.

You and she may even make a go of the MR, but what about her children? Will they ever respect or love her in the same sense they once did? I doubt it! And she has you to thank for that, so I'm sure she can hardly wait to answer all of your needs.

Now, I know that was harsh. As I said, I was trying to give you the thoughts of a WAW just as WhatDidIDo has tried to tell you. I am just not as sweet is she is. It takes so much time b/c as she said, it is all emotional work for the WAW. You have no idea how long it has taken me to even start to come around to liking my H again and to try my best to put what he did to me in the past. I would explain more, but I can't b/c of things I write being read by some I don't want reading it. If you know what I mean.

I still feel very uncomfortable around my family and the longer time goes on, the more I think more people in my family may know and it all started with my H. One finds out and tells the other, and so on. So, I don't think I will ever have what I once had and the way I see it, it could have been taken care of between my H and me. But he wanted to lash out and hurt me in the worst way I could be hurt.....so he did. Have you even tried to put yourself in her place? How do you think you would feel if somebody stole your R away from your children where they would never feel the same toward you as they once did? Have you even given that a thought? I'm wondering if that is how she feels.....that you stole it from her.

What you and your son were talking about that show and the "soul mate" and all that stuff. I assumed you were saying that in front of your W. I got the impression you were, anyway. Why didn't you just stab her in the heart and be done with it? That was so .........I can't even think of the word I want to use. Vindictive, I suppose. Didn't you have a clue as to what that was doing to her? Oh, I think you knew exactly what you were doing to her. And, both you and the son, at that! So, see how much good it did to tell the son about his mother? If I got all this wrong.....and I very well could have, then once again, I'll have to apologize. But, if I'm right, then I can tell you that you just hurt your chances that much more b/c it drug all of that mess up again and she's thinking that you will never let it die b/c every chance you get (just as with that show) you are going to stick it to her.......and now her son will too.

I have come around to changing my mind in some cases about exposing affairs to others. But as a mother who has experienced this pain, I just have such a hard time knowing that H's would do that to the mother of their children when they could work it out between them privately. I'm talking about before they give it a chance to be worked out privately and the A hasn't gone public. If they couldn't and the affair goes public (and maybe your W's did.....I'm sorry, I can't remember right now) then there isn't much you can do about it. If it is out there in the public, then the kids are likely to hear about it. So, you can't protect her.

The thing that I'm concerned about for you is that you have detached so much that I am afraid that you have turned into one of the LBS that detached too much and now you aren't so sure you want her back. You have so many concerns about yourself (which I'm not saying you don't have a right to have) but you sound so unsure of what you want. I do think you have a wall much too high around yourself and she is not going to be able to tear it down b/c she is too fragile and she has her own battles to fight. You are going to have to take that wall down and you are going to have to allow yourself to become vulnerable. That is what you are fighting right now. You won't let yourself get into that position again b/c you have told yourself that you will not ever allow anyone to hurt you like that again.

She is probably has some walls she is dealing with also. So, both of you will have to tear your own them down or you won't make it. That is part of loving and learning to trust each other again. I have learned that from my H. I know that this has been hard on him to say the very least. And, I think he went behind me on ever site I went to and I think he read everything I probably posted on this board for a long time. Maybe he still does. I don't think so, but I don't know for sure. But I don't think he feels the "need" to check up on me like he did in the beginning. Remember, I did not want to stay with him. But, in spite of all that, I know that he had to trust me b/c he did not stand over me 24/7. He has not done any of the things he was doing to show his lack of trust before when he knew about the OM. So, he had to allow himself to be vulnerable to the chance of having the pain repeated and to trust me, even if it meant that I might hurt him all over again.

Well, you said something about my "novels" and here I went and did it again. I truly was not trying to sound hateful to you, but was trying to get you to remember how we WAW's think. I know, it's crazy, but that is the way it is.

I really hope things work out for the two of you.

Sandi