Praying For Us Every Day!

[still hopeful]

sunshine,

An old boyfriend from over 23 years ago contacted me and wanted to talk. We talked on my lunch and that night for almost 3 hours! I think this has helped me alot. He knows my situation and knows where I stand.

Did he contact you out of the blue? What's more important than he knowing where you stand, is YOU knowing where you stand. It's easy to get confused over receiving attention when you sorely need attention right now. Be careful of what you KNOW and what he BELIEVES in this new re-kindled R. When un-discussed discrepancies exist between the two, problems result. Trust me on this one. My XW has made this 'mistake' numerous times in her running. As you can probably tell by the my tone, it's neither amusing or fun in the long run. Wanting attention can be easily manipulated into the 'wrong' kind of attention from men.

Great, you need to go on with your life.

Convincing himself he's doing the right thing.

When he actually saw that I was going out to lunch his attitude seemed to change a little. He was nicer to me it seemed.

The sting of the potential heartache over losing you. Sometimes life sucks on both sides of these situations.

I told him I needed to get a new bed and he offered to give me his. I said NO WAY, I wouldnt want his bed for obvious reasons.

Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.... My guess is that this is more of a problem from a woman's side than from a man receiving the same offer from his XW.

I also asked him about a letter that a woman had sent him, talking about their night together. He apoligzed and said he never meant for me to find out about it. (because he knew it would hurt me). I also said to him that I felt like our marriage was a lie (most of it anyway) and that he had been cheating on me a long time. He said NO our marriage wasnt a lie, and he promised he did NOT cheat on me.
When I question him about someone he has been with, he always promises me that it means nothing.

Try to eliminate or at least severely limit the R talk for now. Vent here. Talk to friends and family. Talking to him will only push him further away right now.

Why does he do this? It's like he doesnt want me to be hurt or mad at him. He even will say that I am prettier.

My guess is that he's trying to assuage his guilt by 'caretaking' you while he's leaving you behind. It's difficult, but work on not being so receptive to his compliments for a while.

I dont understand him. It's like, now that he knows I am actually going on with my life, he trys to explain himself better, and always makes sure I understand these women mean nothing.

Again, he's trying to make himself feel like the good guy while working towards divorcing you. It's not your job to feel sorry for him that these women he's involving himself with mean nothing supposedly.

I just wanted to know when he left town, just for emergency cases.

Do both of you have access to e-mail and/or text messaging? If so, use it to limit personal 'feeling' contact.

He also says now, that he wants to try and help me pay for our house (that I got in the divorce).
What do you all take from his actions? Shed some light for me please.

He is working to make himself NOT look like the bad guy and to NOT feel like the bad guy. Simple as that.

You and I, dear Renee, need to work on disengaging from and letting go of our X's and giving them the gift of missing us. The best advice I've received her is from phoenixdeux:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

Best wishes to you, Renee. Keep posting here and work on distancing yourself from your XH. With your free time, improve yourself: mind, body and spirit. This self work is your gift to you. You and those in your world will all benefit from the new you. Your XH will see what improvements you are making. You will BE more attractive. You don't need to tell him about it.

Tom