Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

cz,

I don't know if my weekend sounds so promising after all. I discussing this with my friend, frank_D, he suggested that allowing XW to stay with me and the children (again) and going to Lake Tahoe for the day with XW and my children is potentially a big mistake from the standpoint of, once again, she doesn't have to feel divorced because she gets all of her needs met doing things they way I have done them thus far, and I get NONE of my needs from her met. To quote phoenixdeux again:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

This is what I feel I MUST do or I will never reach the end of my sitch and find my sanity.

I understand that I needed to tell her that when I agreed to go to Lake Tahoe with them (probably wrong) that I needed to insist that I drive my car(adult and assertive) or just opt out of going. I didn't do that but today is a new day to start taking my steps to disengage and ultimately let go of the outcome.

In further speaking with frank_D, I told him that I have always felt that I never made a conscious decision to D my XW; she divorced me. I said I know that is taking a victim's way out. Frank said he understood my feelings but gave me another nugget of his wisdom:

You need to make a conscious decision to divorce yourself emotionally from the 'old' XW and let go, so that she will have the opportunity/need to grow and change. Otherwise, there is no real hope for reconciliation. Then, if it's meant to be with the two 'new' you's, you can work on reconciling as new people and as a new couple.

Frank, again, hit it on the nose. Right now is when I need to do as phoenixdeux and frank_D suggest. Disengage, as best I can, and move forward in a firm, but assertive way that I need to get on with my divorced life. I believe that if God assists her, and if she allows His assistance with her free will, she will see the need to change, have the will to change, make the effort to change and ultimately change. Otherwise, NO reconciliation efforts will work. We would again be doomed because BOTH of us would not have the necessary, finely-tuned spiritual, commitment, relationship, communication, and marital tools to succeed.

I hate how I see a little daylight in my sitch and I rush in to ruin it by being needlessly excited, needy, and hasty, messing 'things' up again. Today, I will pray. I will pray for the patience, strength, and wisdom to act in accordance with His will. I very much desire to reconcile with my XW, but I cannot reconcile with her as she is. She needs to make changes in herself, but not for me, for HER.

At this point, I simply want to squeeze her in my arms and ask her, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! ARE WE REALLY DONE? IS THERE REALLY NO HOPE FOR RECONCILING? IF THERE IS HOPE, WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME; NO HALF MEASURES, NO QUITTING!" I doubt I will do this, but it probably needs to happen. I also understand that if I did ask those questions, I would get an answer which was congruent with how she felt in THAT moment. Five minutes later her truth could be different.

I know I am not alone here with my fears, my frustrations, my hurts, my confusion, my love; my need for hope, healing, love, acceptance, forgiveness, assertiveness, growth and maturity. THAT's why I keep coming back; for the encouragement. I also know that I am my own biggest obstacle in my journey of achieving my reconciliation goal, and I am the ONLY one who can accomplish this GOAL by hanging in and doing all that I am able to do. THEN, I need to let go and let God.

Tom