I'm very interested to see if the dynamic changes at all between you when you start dropping these ideas on her. She can't have her head that far in the sand that she thinks the way you are living (like roommates, not a M'd couple) is acceptable to you.
Wishing you luck buddy and the very best!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
((((((((Jeff))))))) seriously, how long have you two been roommates ??
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
((((((((Jeff))))))) seriously, how long have you two been roommates ??
Well, hmmmm, I can't put a date on it, since of course it happened a little at a time. But I would say that it has been three and a half years, at least. At first we still slept in the same bed, but we were already roommates. I made the mistake of letting it go on so long. Now I have to fix it.
I've been reading "Passionate Marriage". Not the easiest read in the world, by a long shot. Some of it seems so far from my reality. Last night I read the chapter on the "Two-choice Dilemma". I think it was written about my wife. I have to read it again, but I think that it is saying what I've finally come to see. That I can't continue avoiding making a choice. And that standing up for myself is the only way that she is going to have to make a choice, as well. I need to read it again, probably twice, to make sure I understand it!
She doesn't want out, she just doesn't want to be married. But she wants the security for herself, and especially for the kids of being married.
I think you might have a better chance of motivating her if you approach the underlying feelings- Here's a question: Do you understand why she doesn't want a romantic R? Is she angry about certain things? Perhaps some 180s are in order that address the reasons why she pulls away.
I definitely understand why you feel stuck, and I'm sorry.. more than words can say. However, In terms of piecing(if this is what you want), you are in an advantageous position still being in the house together and knowing she does not want to leave the house.
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
Why? Is she angry? She claims that she never liked sex. Looking back, I can buy that. I didn't know enough to realize it.
I think she doesn't like men. Which is not to say that she likes women, just that she doesn't like men. She is angry about just about everything that I have done, or haven't done for the last 25 years. And she can remember and recite it all. housework, child disciple, support of her hobbies, or schooling, or work. All of it. I used to think that she had valid points. And perhaps some of them are. But as time has gone on, I can see that a lot of them were a smokescreen. So, all of these years I thought I was the "problem". But, that's not it. I'm sure of it now. Which isn't to say that she is the whole problem either, but she has a part to play, and she has never come close to recognizing that.
I've been 180ing, especially as far as taking care of myself. And I think I have been doing better with the kids.
It might be advantageous to have her in the house, but we are not even close to piecing, so it doesn't feel at all advantageous. It "feels" more like it gives her exacly what she wants (security, and the ability to see eveyone of my missteps, so she can justify herself).
It is kind of funny..... she has gone from claiming to being completely miserable to being content. What changed? She said she wanted a D, and I said OK.
So ask her Jeff. What are you afraid of? You know what the worst is, right?
Sit her down and ask her straight to her face.
Yep. That's what has to happen.
But I need to be more prepared for what she will say. After the letter she said she didn't know what she wants, and then she threw the guilt trip about the kids. I don't have any reason to believe that anything has changed, so I need to be more ready for that. If I haven't said it before, she is a very good "arguer". If you are not ready she will make you think you don't have a clue. If you are ready you might survive alive!
