Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

[Hope4us]

Wow WDID. Lots to think about what you've said.

Yes, I am building this wall. I'm tired of putting myself out there and doing what I consider ALL the work. I've told her many times what I need and she refuses. It's just like after so many times of rejection, you kind of give up.

Do I believe she is trying? I guess, yes and no. She may be trying in her own way, but I just don't see not talking to me about any of this as trying. And I'm not even talking about her talking about the affair with me. Her refusal to read books, counsel or talk about the affair may work for HER, but what about me? It just seems as selfish as her affair. She took the easy way out by having the affair and now she wants to take the easy way out by just avoiding/ignoring it hoping it will all go away without regard to what it's done to me.

I've always complimented her. Always. I feel like she disregards my compliments because they're always there. It's almost like she takes them for granted.

I realize her work is emotional. I really do. But I'm just tired of waiting for her to figure it out. It's been almost 2 years since I noticed her getting a little to cozy for my comfort with OM. It's been 2 years of my life that I feel have been stolen. It's been almost 10 months since she told me she told OM she was going NC. Wouldn't you think after 10 months of NC you would at least be able to say to your H you want to TRY?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what happened the day she returned to work after our vacation in Oct. Something happened. We CONNECTED on the trip. And I'm not talking about the sex (although that was great). So we return home and still have that connection for the 3 days before she goes back to work and then she returns and I feel like we're back to square one. Either she got scared and contacted OM or she talked to EGF and told her about how I stepped in and "manned up" when the little punk was hitting on her and EGF convinced her that showed I was controlling because she should be able to talk to whoever she wants to. Of course this is all just speculation, but something happened when she returned to work and she's been distant since. She seems to be working her way back, but it's still like I'm just a friend that provides her a nice life financially and I should be happy that she's gracing my presence. There have been a number of times lately where it seems like she's doing things to attract me, but she never lets it go further (again, not talking about sex). It's like she gets off seeing if I get still desire her and then she doesn't go any further. Again, it's like she's getting what she needs and keeps me right where she wants me, but gives ME NOTHING. When I was in school guys had a name for girls like that. It starts with a c and ends in tease.

Ok, that last paragraph was just a vent. But it's how I feel. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's like Bruce Springsteen says, "you end up like a dog that's been beat too much so you spend half your life just covering up". So yeah, I'm building this wall to protect myself. I just want to feel NORMAL. I haven't felt normal in almost 2 years. Do you know how weary you feel after having something this devastating in your every thought for almost 2 years?

Do I think she'll call me if I don't call her? Um...it would really surprise me. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it. It's just another example of me doing all the work.

I almost feel like it is when you first start dating someone and the guy has to do all the work, make all the calls, plan everything, all the while she gets to sit back and enjoy the pursuit. And the problem with that is, that I just feel like at this point, SHE should be the one pursuing, KWIM?

I appreciate the post WDID. I'll think about what you've said.