Two WAS's- is it really meant to be or walk away?

[Loving_Life]

Trixi- thank you! Your post hit on a lot. I think having this thread is helping me so much- I really need to be able to get out my feelings and sort them out to make it through all this. Thank you to everyone else who takes moment to give me any thoughts as well.

I am wondering if there was any alcoholism in your family when you were growing up?

Yes- my dad, my grandfather and now my sister all have issues with alcoholism. Yes, I was *used to* picking the right moment and weathering mood swings, and I still am- since I am temporarily living with my parents and also my sister. Luckily they are all in better shape than stbx is. So, it's not that bad, but I still feel it some. Depression also runs on my Dad's side and of course stbx has that too. Yes, bipolar is all about mood swings and impulsive behavior (bipolar=manic depression) I have gone to Alanon a few times too. I've gone to IC and MC previously (that's another story).

So, let me ask you this- in his CURRENT condition- is this man good enough for you?

I asked myself this last night and had to think a while- why do *I* want to stay married? My immediate gut reaction was 'I don't know'. Then I came up with this list:
-I never wanted to be divorced (I know no one here does) I value M, I want a family.

-Maybe I'm being too harsh toward him in my thoughts- I feel like I miss him sometimes. I thought we had something special at one time. He used to tell my Dad that I was #1 in his life (that's been at least 5yrs ago now, though) But, I wish he was the person I used to know, I wanted to be with that man I knew when I was 20, that's what I thought I was getting (I've seen stbx get worse with his issues in the time I've known him-the literature I've read says bipolar is progressive if not treated)

-Maybe there's a possibility he can change ( I know that's a huge hope and it's not looking likely right now)

In his current condition, no he's not good enough for me. This is sad and a hard one to process. When I met stbx, I thought he was wonderful. I had these great dreams of happily ever after that are now shattered (yes I was young and I am a romantic). After spending 15yrs together, it feels like a loss (not considering his behavior) but the loss of my M and my own 'family' and my house, etc.. I'm literally rebuilding from scratch on everything (job, home, friends) here in my new city.

I definitely know I'm in a way better city, now. No, I don't really want to go back to the midwest. I wanted to move here for years. At one point right after we got back together from 1st S, stbx and I talked about moving to Seattle together. Then he changed his mind. Stbx even visited Seattle on his own during our S and loved it.
But now he insists he will not ever come out here.

You're right, we were really young when we got together (and everyone says this to me), and I feel like stbx was supposed to be my family.(I did date 4 others before stbx-one serious) Anyway, before I left I had a huge list of why he was not good enough for me. Part of it is angry, but it is also truthful in a lot of respects. Basically, we were living separate lives and our M had disintegrated to the point where there was resentment and avoidance going on. It would take a lot of commitment from both of us to rebuild it. I am willing, but he says he is not. Of course he said this during our last S too- when we pieced it was because of me approaching him and saying I needed a place to stay, could I stay with him again please. He did not decide he wanted to piece our M, he just gradually warmed up to me after I moved back in with him. Looking back, perhaps that was a desperate move, perhaps he never was as committed as me. I do feel like I've been the one holding it together for so long.

Music is #1-
Lots of thoughts to let out here.... Stbx admitted to me a few mo. ago (during our talks in October) that music is #1 b/c it can't hurt him, it only brings him joy. The same is true about our dogs- he loves the dogs more than people b/c they only give unconditional love. I told him I was sorry for ever hurting him- I'm only human and I wanted him to know that I care about him. We both agreed we never wanted to feel hurt again. This is what sucks me in! I feel like I have a chance to help him get through his feelings and then he might change his feelings toward me again. Why do I feel like I have to work so hard for love????