Finding neutral

[GFI]

well, have been away from this place for a while - needed some time out...

Interesting that my last thread title (Best friends?) has also been the subject of some discussion ... still not really sure where I stand on that - most people seem to advocate being friendly rather than best friends.

Relations with my W continue to be friendly - and although I hope for a reconciliation I recognise that this is unlikely and even if possible certainly not according to my time frame! I am adjusting and getting my GAL activities scheduled in. As a result things have come to a bit of a standstill with the house - too much other stuff on!

As thread title suggests, i'm searching for a state of being which is neither going backwards, nor pushy and clingy - its a difficult gear to find! but going to continue waggling the gear stick of life to see if I can locate it!

KBO - GFI

[Lanzo]

Hi GFI,

Search for first gear, and move forward slowly.

Will talk later


Lanzo

[AliSuddenly]

GFI.. have you noticed any change at all, in her?? Is she more, or less friendly toward you? I know alot of us hate the phrase baby steps (and how do we know they are not just being civil, friendly and nothing more than that??).. but, is there any change? Is she sounding more relaxed when she talks to you? Is she making herself more or less available to meet up? I just wondered if we can see any progress here.

Interesting you say you dont think you will reconcile. I wonder if you back off, what the effect would be on her.

Al

[GFI]

hi there Lan and Ali - many thanks for dropping by...

Well, its hard to say for sure - but I think more friendly and open - she's phoned me a couple of times for nothing and its Christmas Day since we last had cross words - and some/ much of that could well have been caused by the stress and emotion of the day - you see it was also H's birthday as well and that means Christmas is a double whammy for us.

Haven't really made much progress on the meeting up front - I would love to get out and do something outdoorsy with her and round the day off with a meal. but childcare is the big block to this and I don't really want to pursue this as i don't want her to think I'm pursuing hard. I am still choosing to be friendly, but recognise its easy to get taken advantage of when adopting that position.

But my feelings for my W remain strong - I love her very very much - it is so difficult and frustrating not having opportunities to let her know that.

I find the existence of OM difficult to deal with though - W does not seem to compute that many of the things OM is able to offer her is simply because he isn't the father of her child - not because he's mr wonderful. of course he's able to go out biking, running off for weekends etc, with her because he doesn't have childcare and responsibilities to deal with. I fully accept i was more than deficient in that department, I did much to contribute to the breakdown, in all likelihood had a mid life crisis just before and after H was born, and made worse by the death of my mum - that made me the original walk-away - a covert walk away if you like. But what gets to me like so many others - is that second chances seem to be so hard to get.

So anyhow, this week I have climbing and badminton sorted out - what with that and 2 overnighters with H - I should be pretty well tied up.

KBO - GFI

[GFI]

well, things have been pretty rough for me the last week or so...Since Christmas H has let slip that he'd made a pot for OM at a craft event he and W went too, same place he made the one I got from him for Christmas i should think, OM has been for tea and that he's seen a film at OM's etc etc etc. Bless him (H), he's not to know that what he's saying in all innocence is making me throwing up. But part of me is pretty convinced he's actually trying to let me know stuff or that he's bothered about stuff in the only way he feels possible...

Not once have I responded in any way other than positive or the positive side of neutral, but nevertheless I have found that all pretty difficult to hear. And yet W still phones me, IMs me - and I love speaking / having contact with her - but its so painful.

Right at the moment I have decided I need to reduce my contact with my W - right now she is concerned about finances and we were due to meet tonight while H was at a club for an hour - last night I thought and thought about what was making me feel so anxious and uptight right now and concluded that there was no way that i could go and sit around our kitchen table where 24 hours earlier the OM had sat having tea with my son.

After lunch today I sent this email to my W:

"Hi there W - perhaps you can email me about the things you feel need sorting out - if you email me the spreadsheet I can update my side of it.

I'm sorry W - I need to do it this way right now - you are very very precious to me and there's nothing I wouldn't do to save our
relationship and marriage.

I am and always will be deeply deeply sorry for the things I've done which have contributed to the mess we're in.

A big part of me would love to see you but while OM is around I need to preserve the love I have for you as best I can - I need to do that for H's sake - part of that is not to see you for more than is absolutely necessary right now.

Thanks - GFI"

Got H overnight tonight - which has been wonderful...and all being well I will have him stay with me on Saturday night and we'll have all Sunday together.

One worrying thing though - he seems "sad" - kinda preoccupied sometimes - i can snap him out of it no probs but it is worrying.

KBO - GFI

[whateverittakes]

Hi GFI,

It must have been difficult to write and send that e-mail. I can feel the emotion in it.

It sounds like you are "letting go the rope".

I am sorry this is a difficult time. You'll get through it and who knows what may happen with your w.

[GFI]

Thanks WIT - i really do appreciate your post...

you're right - of the many communications i have had with my W over the past 2 years - we're nearly at 2 years post bomb - with our 11 th wedding anniversary looming and just at 20 years since we got together...it was one of the most difficult things I have done - the email was pithy but underneath it, you're right, was a lot of emotion and anguish...I had hoped to be able to ride out presence of OM no matter what it took - but i realised last night how much that stance was affecting me - i have had to resort to sleeping tablets a few nights recently and that isn't good - and I also realised it was affecting my ability as a dad.

The email said it - there isn't anything i wouldn't do, but I need to find a way through this which preserves my self esteem and self respect.

I played badminton last night and won - again! But it was harder work than normal and although I normally love the game, I found that my heart wasn't really in it - something was affecting me - and that's what made me realise...this was something I had to do.

Normally, i would jump at the opportunity to see my W - you see I love her, care for her, fancy her, admire her - she gorgeous, beautiful, funny/witty, intelligent, a fabulous mum - but the choices she's making and the things she's doing at the moment are undermining that for me - I need to hold onto those positive feelings so i can continue to reinforce to H what a wonderful mum he has ...this is a self preservation action for me and H.

But now - there does seem to be some line drawn in my mind and hopefully I will sleep better.

thanks again - GFI

[whateverittakes]

Hi GFI,

Just dropping in. I hope you're sleeping better. I don't like taking sleeping aids either. Peace of mind is a better way to get sleep and I hope your e-mail has brought you some of that.

I just wanted to share that I sent my h a similar kind of e-mail just over a week ago. It did help me. I've gone back to read it a few times and it grounds me. What I wrote still reflects what I feel and it is good to remind myself of that on this roller-coaster ride we can be on.

I hope you have a good weekend... sounds like you have lots of fun to look forward to with H. I'm sorry to hear about his sadness. It pulls at my heart to think of how these situations affect children. You might want to check out JD's thread to learn about how he is talking with his kids.

[lodo]

Hey GFI,

I, too, took a break for awhile - thought i'd stop by and say hello.

Am sorry you have no more resolution in your sitch than when I was last on here. It was good to state your boundaries to W. It would probably not have hurt to do so more forcefully. Because at the end of the day you shouldn't sacrifice your self-respect. Walking on eggshells does no good. We have to be willing to stand up for what we believe in even if that means losing it.

lodo

[Belle]

Wow

This is exactly what I am struggling with right now. I just posted a long conversation with myself. I feel like I'm losing my self respect also as my H is doing who knows what with OW. And like you GTI - my spouse and I have continued to interact and it is really painful. But all of the posts on your thread have inspired me.

"We have to be willing to stand up for what we believe in even if it means losing it."

I am on the brink of drawing my line but it's that fear that after I draw it, that's it. But I know I've got to overcome that fear.

That is great that you did it,GTI. I hope it brings peace to your heart and mind.