Yes, this is all good. Yes, this is progress. WHy do you feel indifferent? Because you have made yourself this way to deal with the chance she may leave you. You have built up a defense mechanism against pain...a wall, if you will. Just like she had built, but for different reasons.
I can explain that "yeah whatever" grunt she gave you when you complimented her on the shirt she wore. I'm the same way. For YEARS my H didn't compliment me on things, and now he does. It's like...hmmmmm....is he just saying it because he knows I like it, or is it truly what he is thinking? That's what goes through my head. It's also in the way it is said. You said you thought she looked hot. Why not tell her that EXACT thought. It's lots better than, "You look great!" It's sexier, and makes a woman feel sexy. All women are different. That's how I feel about it anyway. Others may like the general "great" comment. My guess is she liked the compliment even though she acted like it didn't matter to her. You have to just keep doing it so she knows you really feel this way. If you stop, she knows you did it just cause she likes it. It shouldn't matter to you how she responds. YOu just think it so you say it. WHo cares how she responds. You didn't do it for any other reason than you were saying your thoughts out loud, right?
The detaching you are doing is unhealthy. You have a wife that wants to stay with you and is trying, and you are still detaching so you don't get hurt. SHe is trying to break down the wall she built, and you are just adding more cement to yours.
You say she isn't doing the work, but do you realize that most of the betrayer's work is emotional...it's all in her head the work she is doing. The work YOU want her to do needs you to ask her for it. If you want her to do something for YOU, then you need to ask her to do it. If it is a deal breaker for you if she doesn't, then you need to tell her that. You just mentioning the things you want her to do, and then telling her that you won't have relationship talks doesn't make sense. YOu tell her one thing and feel another and all this time she is getting farther and farther away from you and she is just doing what she thinks is helping her get through this. You want her to read the books and go to counseling and talk about the affair (which she is trying to forget) and to her, that is not what is going to help. She knows herself. BUT...if it is the only thing that will help YOU...you need to tell her that.
YOu both are struggling as to whether to make it work because it seems as if both of you have one foot out the door (just in case). You either decide to make it work no matter what, or you don't. I know it isn't as easy as that. It's hard. Staying together after infidelity is the hardest thing for both of you to do. There are risks and emotions and all of this "baggage". Wouldn't it be easier to just give up and start fresh? That's what is going through your heads.
So you are going out of town. GOod to be away, huh? Easier than dealing with this crud, isn't it? What if you don't call her? YOu don't think she'd call you? Why is that?
