Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Good morning, cz946.

First, phoenixdeux was kind enough to post this to me recently:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

I agree that letting go, disengaging, and working one yourself is best, but I have so far only really been able to work on myself.

XW and I split nearly 3 years ago and she started looking for my 'replacement' immediately, as well as drinking too much and running around constantly to avoid thinking, processing, feeling, and healing herself. All of that is what I suspected, but she did confirm this to me recently. Perhaps if I had 'let go' sooner, I would have reached the point I have reached today, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say. Regardless, paraphrasing my friend, frank_D:

No one here knows you, your XW, and the COMPLETE story the way that you do. No sitch is exactly the same, although they are quite similar. Since YOU are the one who will benefit from your good decisions and suffer from your not-so-good decisions, swirl what others offer here, what you read and learn and make the best decision for YOUR sitch.

I agree with what frank_D said wholeheartedly. No perfect, fail-proof formula exists for any situation to resolve suffering M ill, but DB is a great place to start, the DB board is a fantastic plan building tool and healing device, and MW-D is a remarkable woman with a vision the we all share for making M what we ALL intended when we decided to marry.

My XW has past addiction issues, but not currently, if you ask her. About 1 year ago she began taking a Norco prescription for back pain. She also began abusing Norco by purchasing additional supplies of Norco from an acquaintance. Additionally, her older brother is a 25-year alcoholic AND a drug addict. Regardless of the dysfunction in her birth family, older brother (OB) began living with XW for her (in her mind) to 'help' OB to stop drinking. XW must have told OB that she was taking Norco, and since he was already addicted to Vicodin (same family of opiate pain killer), he began whining to XW that he needed some of hers. XW and her mother suffer from the same God complex, thinking that THEY can cure OB from his alcohilism and drug addiction problems when he has never shown any real desire to quit; to rid himself of his habits. XM-i-L found out that XW was giving OB Norco and flipped a lid. All of this caused serious, but not unexpected, outfall amongst the whole family.

Back to me though. I have watched XW make her way through a string of BFs since we split and behave destructively throughout our sitch. Of course, this is my perception of witnessing her behavior and her telling me what she is doing, but she will tell me that I am judgmental and mean for saying anything. We have two small children, I worry about D8 and S3 mostly, but I've worried about her only slightly less. XW has taken to re-kindling(?) old relationships with her male 'good friends' that I never heard of while we were together. When I asked her why I had never heard of these 'good friends' she simply said that she was married and that she didn't think it was appropriate to continue on in her relationship with them. Ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight! XW did what she wanted when she wanted to do it and I stupidly never questioned her actions. It's possible that she wasn't doing anything wrong, but I don't KNOW that and even if I did know, that wouldn't excuse what I contributed to the overall demise of your marriage over time.

All I do know is that NONE of these 'good friend' were ever called when XW needed assistance in any way, except when she wanted to hang out or party. I also know that she is currently between 'flavors-of-the-month', so she has turned her attention towards me and has begun the process of introspectively dealing with her emotions and our past. It is not unusual for her to turn her attention towards me when she is between DHs and/or really needs assistance with something. I believe that most will tell me (and you) that disengaging here is the most opportune time to remind XW that she wanted a D and this is what a D looks like; little communication outside the children, and very little help. Anyway, I haven't been to good at doing things the right way.

Back to Saturday night...she stayed over and went to bed early with S3. On Sunday, I got my children up and the three of us left, leaving XW sleeping in my bed. (I sleep on the couch when she stays over.) After church, I called XW and we met at her house. XW went to bed again (acute Norco withdrawal symptoms still) and D8 and I made egg salad sandwiches for everyone. XW finally got up and told me that D8 wanted to do something fun and she asked me if I had any ideas. I gave her two ideas, but those weren't accepted so XW asked me if I wanted to go for a drive? I said sure, where? She suggests Lake Tahoe, but I'm (XW) driving. I didn't feel like taking a stand on this so I said fine. We took my car and XW wanted to pick the music that I played. I told her matter-of-factly (NOT mean) that I didn't care a lot about what she wanted and I cared even less when she was driving MY car at her insistence. She relented and I played music that she, I, and D8 enjoyed.

The drive up there was very nice. Beautiful, like always,in Lake Tahoe in the winter. Once we got there, we stopped to use the restroom. XW began drinking wine. I figured it was only a matter of time before she began talking about her feelings with me. I listened but told her that THAT discussion is best had out of earshot of D8. She agreed. We all walked around a bit and had dinner. XW drank more wine and became more bold about airing her feelings about me and 'us.' I simply told her, "You've been drinking and you wonl;t remember ANY of this tomorrow." She said she would. She still in bed. It's 11am now. Taking prescription Adivan (sp?) to deal with the acute w/d symptoms from Norco. The lenghth of the AWS has been lingering leads me to believe that she abused the Norco more than she has admitted to me. Dunno. But she is working with her doctor to sort this all out under medical supervision.

Rewinding a bit, last night I went and got her some food. She and I were intimate, but then she stopped me and told me that she wanted to do THIS again when we both wanted it. My thoughts were, "Here we go again!" I do know this, I won't put myself in that position again real soon. I have always been the one, according to her, that she could say that she didn't want to be intimate and KNOW that it would be OK. Lucky me. I don't live inside her head, but I don't know if she's simply taking care of her own feelings and needs with me because she feels safe, or if she's just playing 'power struggle' games again.

I went to sleep and took D8 to school this morning. All is quiet for now. I'll see what today brings.

Re-visiting my and XW's discussion with her longtime GF recently, it sounds, accoring to XW and GF that XW is getting closer to moving forward with her efforts to reconcile with me. Again, I'll see. I have always known that neither I nor my XW are without flaws. I know what her flaws are and I believe I will deal with them better the next time, assuming we get that oppoortunity. But as frank_D told me:

XW isn't the ONLY one who decides whether or not you reconile. THAT decision is YOURS. You have more power in this situation than you realize. Keep working on you. Everything will work out as it should.

So here I find myself still trying to reconcile my troubled M because I love her more now than ever. I also know that I am the best man for her. My concerns come when I think about how much work I have done on me so that I don't make similar mistakes again, but I don't really see much effort on her part to improve herself. Perhaps she is finally tiring of running to avoid and will begin her self-improvement journey so that we can make ourselves, our M, and our children happy, healthy, and whole together for the first time, just like we imagined when we first started.

Again, I'll see, but I am NOT going to run towards reconiling our R right now. I will be cautious, caring, supportive and loving. I will be more assertive. I will be the Christian man, husband and father that we both need for me to be. AS frank_D once told me, as long as I keep working on myfelf and she doesn't work on herself, I may find that I have outgrown her. And as phoenixdeux told me, I have done everything I can do to reconcile my M. We still need to have the 'talk' about what reconciling means to each of us; what our expectations of each other are; what our visions of a successful, loving marriage are.

We will. Then, I will have clarity. I will know that my will is God's will and not the other way around. I will be at peace. I will live MY life for me and my children, and if it is God's will, with my XW. God know and the future is in His hands.

Tom

p.s. My future posts will be much shorter, I promise.