Hi, thanks to everyone who has been so kind as to give me advice these past couple weeks. I have decided I need to have "the talk" with H this week. I can no longer live in limboland and do and say nothing while he lives his single life when he wants and family life when he wants. Especially because when we are together, WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. The fact of the matter is, while we have spent more time together (as a family, not a couple), these past few months we are still drifting apart. It is so sad it has come to this.
I pray I am prepared for this. I hope I am. I made my decision to do this a while ago, and I still feel it is the right decision for all involved. As a woman fighting for my marriage, the time has come to let him go. Me sitting back and letting him flounder when clearly his feelings are not there, is not doing either of us any favors and is only slowly destroying trust and respect, and feelings on both sides.
Please, to those who have been here, who have been strong enough to let them go and stand by your decision, can you share your experience? When you chose to have the conversation, what did you say, how were your words taken, etc?
Even though I am ready, I am really scared to have this talk.
This hurts so much and is so sad. How someone can someone once love you so much, and tthen become so indifferent towards you. The pain of being unloved and unwanted just STINKS. Thank you very much.
I've just read your sitch. So sorry you're going through this. I wanted to write to you because I feel like I'm almost at the same place. I have been waffling between trying to outlast my BF's A and cutting him loose. I think I've overcome my fear of being alone and know I can have a good life if I choose to start over without him. But I still love him and know that we could be happy together if we can get through this.
Being separated but living in the same house isn't much better than living apart. I also feel like we're growing apart every day without the physical touch and affection. I don't see how we can find our way back without doing things as a couple.
I get closer every day to letting go. The damage to self-esteem that you described is very real to me. While I have only been going through this for a few months I feel like I am reaching my breaking point.
I will be watching for any advice you get from others on how to have the talk.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I guess we all get to this point at some time. It took me a total of 8 months. I've had the "conversation" with my W many times, but I've never stuck to my guns, which is a bad thing to do. One bit of advice, if you're going to make this decision just be sure you are able to follow through with it. My W moved out and then moved back in out of financial necessity and is getting ready to move back out again. So far she hasn't committed to anything with me, and just like you we do a lot of things as a family, but nothing as a couple, and it just feels like all we will end up as is friends, which is not what I want. I realize it has to start there, but when does it progress from there? For me, I feel like there should at least be a committment to seeing this thing through. I won't live in what feels like an "open" relationship if you know what I mean. I just wrote my W a letter and I am telling her that I don't think she should move out, that I am committed to her, that I know this will take time and a mutual committment, and that I want that in return. We'll see how that goes. I put it in a letter b/c I think a conversation will be too emotional and could even turn into an argument. Have you considered writing to your H? Don't be very loving or emotional (in fact in my letter I never mention love), but I think you do have the right to be direct in a gentle way and clearly spell out what it is that you want. I feel your pain, I really do. It is the most hurtful thing we can go through to hear the one person you love with all your heart tell you that those feelings are not returned. Think this thing through and stick to your guns once you've had the talk. Good luck. WP
Hi guys, I think you for your input. I will need to go and read your threads as I am still learning everyone's situations here.
WP - I have considered a letter and I've also considered having the conversation over the phone. I have decided to do this in person rather than a letter because I want to have a two-way conversation with him. I am going to put the ball in my H's court and ask him up front what are his feelings and what does he want to do and does he feel he can commit to our marriage or not. I want to give him the opportunity to tell me where I stand with him, and then I will go from there. I am going to do lots of affirmation/validation whatever.
Yes, I am no longer willing to live in what feels like an open relationship either, I can't believe the damage it is causing on both sides. Unfortunately, deep in my heart, I know what his response is going to be.
I wrote an e-mail to my h last week. I told him I forgived him, accepted his decision to end the m, and was letting go.
We spoke briefly the next day regarding some information necessary for the separation agreement that I am preparing. When I asked him then about the divorce, he asked if we could take things in stages, that he had so much going on in his head, and couldn't tell me anything more than he had said before. He was obviously emotional and doesn't seem happy.
I think letting go is important - for us and sometimes for them. I don't know what effect it had or is having on my h, but I do know that I have to follow it through with no contact (except for the rare practical or business matter that arises). He left a voice mail message last night and I replied with a very simple and brief text message.
I am either giving him the gift of missing me and the space to think through his choices, or I am giving him the space to move on completely. Either way, I am focusing on healing myself. When I am ready and if he has not already done so, I will begin the d proceedings. I may also consider more active dbing ("being the more attractive option to ow") when and if I am healed sufficiently to do so without hurting myself unduly and if I still want to at that point. We are all travelling and moving and it is sometimes amazing what time brings to us and them.
I'm going to give her the letter tonight. I too think I know what her response will be; afterall she's been saying the same thing for months, that she doesn't want to stay married, that she wants to want to, but at this point she doesn't how or when that will happen. The other day I asked her if she wanted to work on forgiving each other and rebuilding trust (not the actuall act of doing that, just the desire to do so) and she said she didn't think we were at that point. Not sure what that means, and she wouldn't elaborate, but I just think it means she doesn't really want to move forward. To me, she is just buying time--not sure for what, but that's all I see. Anyhow, good luck to you.
WP good luck to you too. I am not sure when I will talk with H, but it has to be soon. I am trying to find the "right" time and I know there will never be a right time for this. Praying for all of us.
I gave my W the letter this morning. I told her that I didn't want nor expect a quick response, but that I would prefer it if she took time to think about it and pray about it. She said she would. I didn't write anything in the letter about love, as I am realizing that that needs to be shown and not said, so I pray that she will have an open heart to what I have to say. Did you speak with your H yet?
Well, it seems to be going around. I hadn't planned on it, but I had the talk with BF last night. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but it's out there now.
Good luck to you and finding the right time for your talk. I'll be thinking of you.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Yesterday, I realized I was going to have to have "the talk" in baby steps as H and I had just not really talked about anything in a long time and we could not have months of conversation in an hour. So I asked him where he felt we stood and he told me he thinks we are moving in a positive direction and that he wants to continue to work on things with me and work towards him coming home (although he's not ready for that yet, but I think it could be coming soon). We acknowledged there are areas that we need to work on and that we still need to figure out how to work on them (still no clue on how to do it!!!). Big problem is the emotional distance - can't figure out how to overcome it and get the closeness back. I am very cautious at this point. He's still finding it hard to be affectionate (sex is completely on hold now - which is fine with me - neither of us are ready). Could it really be possible for the WAS to take a while to get to the point of wanting/needing affection?? Or does that really mean he's not that into me? I am going to have to watch his actions closely and see if they match his words.
I was surprised he felt things were moving in the right direction because I really expected more of "I don't know what I want" and "I love you but not in THAT way." He did say he doesn't want to get a divorce and he doesn't think it is the right thing for us. So there you have it.
I am going to have to really digest what he said and see if I want to continue on this path. Part of me wants to and part of me is wondering if this is his way of continuing to cake-eat for a while longer? I mean, I still haven't given him the opportunity to miss me.
What do you guys think?
Would love to hear how the convos go for you guys. Do you both have threads elsewhere?
