Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

[Hope4us]

Haven't posted in a week so I thought I'd throw out an update.

Things have been really good at home. W and I doing lots of stuff together, having lots of fun. I've noticed her quite a few times looking at me when I'm not looking at her. I've noticed her deep in thought a number of times the last week or so. We've had some great conversations with me doing a lot of validating lately. Last night W said the rest of her month was going to suck at work because of some labor talks going on that she's involved in. I told her I understood it was going to be tough on her and I would be here to support her and do anything to help around the house I could while this was all going on.

On Saturday, I asked W if she wanted to go to the wedding of one of the guys who works for me. We'll spend the night after the wedding. I had thought back to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the parties that go with those holiday's and how W wanted to go but wouldn't commit to going until I specifically asked her if she wanted to go. So I thought I'd formally ask her about the wedding even though we'd discussed it previously. When I did ask, she kind of made this noise like "don't be stupid, of course I want to go".

And then Saturday night, W flips it over to that stupid "Bachelor" show. S16 makes some comment about how stupid it is to think that you go on a couple of fantasy dates and you find your "soulmate" in that short of time. I make some comments about how he's so right, that how can someone be your "soulmate" in such a short time when it's all fantasy crap that brought them together, and W surprisingly agrees.

So this is all good right? Progress right? Then why do I feel so indifferent as to whether we make it or not? I mean, yesterday, as we were getting ready to watch the Steelers kick SD's butt, W went and showered and came downstairs in the new Steelers jersey I'd bought her right after Christmas. And she looked HOT. I told her she looked great in the jersey. And she just kind of gave me the "yeah, whatever" look and grunt. Why would W obviously love comments like that when it was OM giving them to her, but when I compliment her that way it's like she doesn't believe I'm being sincere.

So I just sat there thinking, "what's the point"? I'm not even really angry anymore. Sure, I still have my moments when I get mad at what she's done and her unwillingness to accept any blame in the breakdown of our marriage and her unwillingness to actually try to repair the damage that was done, but I'm just becoming more and more detached from the situation and with that comes indifference as to whether we make it or not.

I just keep having this overriding feeling that she has an affair and all the fun and excitement that she felt while having it, the affair ends and she doesn't do any kind of work or self reflection as to why it happened or anything that could help ME heal from the betrayal, all the while, good ole H4U sits here working his A** off holding this family together trying to show her what our marriage COULD be like while getting NOTHING in return. And it just makes me feel indifferent.

And that scares me. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference right? Well, I'm rapidly getting there.

I just read on Snow White's thread her H NOW wants to try to make it work and she's struggling as to whether to give it a try or not. I see myself in that same place. You just get so tired of trying that if/when the WAS figures it out, it's too late. Seen it too many times on this board and a couple times with friends/peers at work, in real life. And I find myself thinking the same things.

Ok, just some random feelings I've been having lately. I leave town for work for a couple nights this afternoon. Going out to dinner/drinks with a couple of really good friends tonight. And I just keep thinking, boy, it'll be good to be away. And I'm thinking I probably won't even call her when I'm away. I don't know. Maybe I will, but not because I feel like I want to, but more because I just should, ya know?

Ok, thanks for listening. I'm sorry I haven't posted on others threads lately, but just felt like I needed a little break. I'll try to catch up and post where I feel I can help.