Hey, Man. I've been slammed w/the start of the 2nd semester, but I'm caught up w/you and you are doing well and what you are experiencing is normal. Let the emotions come and let yourself cry when you feel like crying.
I miss my XW sometimes too. I also think of being w/her again too as well, so don't let that be a bad thing b/c it isn't. Remember you will love her forever b/c she is the mother of your boy, so it is ok to care.
As for her tone changing toward you, I think it is b/c she can see your strength and she can feel you pulling away - and she doesn't like it. However, I would expect you to be in a bit of a boxing match w/her for a long time. There will be rounds when you will "win" easily, but there will also be the rounds where she'll come at you w/full force and fury.
Until she is consistent - on a long term basis - you can't look to do anything different on your end. Keep your focus on your improvement and count her baby steps, but don't get too far ahead in your progress.
She'll be at this for a while, so keep going so you can handle the time in between w/out much trouble. Keep in mind this is NOTHING about you, but about her and her issues. It is her journey to take and you've got to not only let her take her "trip" but to stay on your course while she's away - that is the toughest part. It really sucks, but it is a necessary evil.
I'm glad you are doing well, my friend. Hang in there and keep venting and leaning on us here for support as we'll do as much as we can to help.
...okay...so after a few days, I'm back...sort of...I'm still in Vegas, and I fly home tomorrow - and tonight I just feel really sad about my wife and our M. I miss her a lot tonight - as being around so many other people - and seeing all these people looking to hook up with someone, just made me think a lot about what I used to enjoy about my tine with my W.
I know there was a lot of rough stuff for us too - but right now I just find myself remembering most of the good stuff.
Rob - I've read and reread your post a few times - and that's why I figured it would be the best way to start this new thread. I these have been some baby steps that I've seen than I think they'll continue to come slowly...still, I think things have most likely gotten worse again in the past few days just because MIL has been staying with my W for the week - and every time my MIL has stayed with my W while I've been out of town things have gotten worse by the time I got back.
I haven't talked with my W much at all while I've been here. She just hands my baby boy the phone when I call to talk wit him and sometimes she doesn't even bother to call me back so I can say hi. A couple days ago she sent me an email asking me about having my S11 get together with the son of a friend of hers while he's in town...I didn't know what to make of it....so I just let her know that I would pass the idea on to my S11.
I had a strange moment today in that I ended up having my FIL ask me to join him for a cup of coffee (he has work at the CES show too). I did - and he went tell me about how great/happy his marriage is - and it was just so strange to hear because I knew it just wasn't true at all...it was kind of sad, really, because I think he genuinely wanted to help in some way - but he just can't and does not know how.
At one point he asked me if we were going to get a D - and I said I did not know - that it was not up to me - and that I did not want a D. I eventually told him, "I love (my wife). What I want most is for her to be happy. I wish that could include me, but if it doesn't that's fine. I understand that and accept it." I also made it clear to him that I see her as being on a journey that she has to take and that I am not angry with her at all. At one point he told me that when he asked her about our problems he responded by telling her they were exactly like the problems he and MIL have - and so they were no big deal - just normal - and he claimed to me that it made her feel better...one thing I know about him is that he does not know how to read people and how they feel - especially his kids.
I cried a bit tonight...just suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling of being alone so often - and going home tomorrow to an empty house. The feeling passed and I know I'll be able to maintain the PMA and keep working on positives once I get back home and can get back into the process of building toward the next stage of my life.
It is so good to hear from you. I understand how you are feeling. I have been battling that alone feeling and missing H, too.
I think traveling may exascerbate your feelings of loss. I think it's to do with the change of surroundings. Even if you are busy with work, the change makes you more aware of other change in your life. Plus, travel away from home makes most everyone a little homesick and when home has problems, well, not a great combination.
Glad to hear you feel you'll be able to muster up some PMA. I know that this is difficult to do, I am struggling with this a lot right now, but it really is the only way we can do this.
Hugs for the alone feelings. Those are rough. Especially being surrounded by people laughing, drinking, having fun. It's almost surreal walking around here. No clocks, no time frame. People appearing to have a great time..... makes you wonder...is it real ??
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi V and CS, I had a good time with my friends here - two very good friend whom I don't get to see very often. It was very busy - but now I'm finding that a lot of the emotions I had put on hold for a while are coming back pretty strong.
It was/is strange being surrounded by so many people that seem like they're out just enjoying themselves -though sometimes I just felt like this kind of "happiness" is just too unfulfilling at the end of the day - and it made me miss my W a lot...when I told one of my friends how I was feeling, he said that I probably miss more of the metaphor of my W - the companionship - and the chance to have someone there to talk with at the end of the day...not necessarily her - but just the memory and feeling of having someone else in my life...and I think he was very right - since it's that feeling of being alone that just swept through me so intensely last night - and which kind of has hold of me this morning.
I haven't spoken with my W for three days now. Yesterday when she called me back - she just did the usual thing of handing the phone to my baby and then hanging up when he was done...not much I can do about that, so I just let it be...sometimes I think that I should call back - but that just feels like it would go badly...
I suppose I'm feeling a bit fragile...but that's okay...it will pass and I'll feel more like myself soon. I'm also just so very tired...and being away from home for a week does exacerbate things.
Okay...I'm really falling apart right now and I don't like it...I don't know why - but I am just feeling utterly devastated at the moment and feeling a pain like I've not felt before in all of this...I think it was brought on partly because she finished moving her stuff out of the garage while I was out of town - so her mother must have helped her to that - and having more of her stuff gone just made me feel like this keeps getting worse and worse...and like she really is just determined to take herself out of my life/our life...and I know that I have to accept that - and I know that there is nothing I can say or do to change her mind...I think part of me just had the naive hope that coming by to get the rest of her stuff would give her pause - make her see more of the consequences of what she is doing...but it just seems like she continues to pull away...and I have no choice but to accept it.
My goodness - that feeling of being completely alone is just destroying me right now - drilling into me and making me feel like there's no way anyone can get through this kind of pain...how? how do I do it? I have been so strong - and I have tried to do so much and learn so much about loving her and letting her go - and accepting her journey as hers...but why now do I feel like something is just being torn away from me - from inside my heart? I know that I have to love her enough to let her go...I know that they're just objects that she took out of the garage...I am just so lost...so saddened...I feel broken...
You are not broken. You are hurting and feeling very alone and that is so understandable. I find myself asking the same question about how anyone gets through this pain. I do not have the details but I think the answer is determination with a good dose of support. I and others here will support you and you clearly have the determination, so you will get through it.
You mention your W's taking the rest of her things making you feel things are getting worse and worse. We have no way to know that. We simply do not know. So that gives you the choice of how you want to see it. You can choose to see it positively - you cannot work on something new with W until the old is all cleared out. Just a thought. I am not exactly the poster-child for positive thinking these last few days, so feel free to tell me to stick it in my ear.
I just want you to know that you are not alone and you are not broken. It matters to me and lots of others here that you not think that about yourself.
Thank you, Veronica...I just can't tell you how much your words mean to me right now...especially that last two sentences you wrote...sometimes I feel so lost that I just forget...
Hi. I'm doing better right now. I called up a good friend in NY and then reached out to a friend in town. I'm at his place now. He and his wife took me in on some nights when my w got very threatening before she moved out. They invited me for dinner and he's giving their baby boy a bath now. I'm on my pda so I will keep this short and just say that I'm doing better.
One thing I want to mention though was the way my ILs were when my W came by to pick up my son today. They just stayed in the car. Didn't say hello and actually turned the car around like she does. It just seemed so cold and heartless.
Hey Carlos Hope you feel better tonight. The alone feeling is not easy, but the truth is we are not really alone. You will always have your boys and friends around, no matter what. We may be alone on the R side, at least for now, but we are just saving the best for someone special, may be our spouses again or someone new. Who knows.....and we can't worry about that now. I remember you redecorated part of the house last time when she moved out. Now you have plenty more room in the garage for you to use... May be ask S11 for some new idea about the garage, new storage, shelfs...etc. Like a mini home improvement project with him....just a thought. You will be just fine. You always just bounce right back no matter what because you just do.
Got to believe...my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
