Episode IV: A New Hope (?)

[25yearsmlc]

DD,

as you said, "damn [her]"... yeah that's a confusing sitch...Christ. She is one screwed up w..

I read your thread, but may be missing something. You have been married how long? The boys are how old? And the OM does what?

As for the boy's feelings, I see your point about not transferring them around so much. That disruption to THEIR lives due to your marital problems is among the most unfair aspects of divorce on kids. Please read "What About the Kids?" and if you can, somehow, have your w read it too. It is not fond of divorce and there is a LOT of info and research on the harm div does to kids and how it shows up later, when they grow up. Plus along the way...

The whole idea that we, the adults, need to discover ourselves while our children are resilient, is backwards. WAS's say it to convince themselves they are not harming the ones to whom they owe protection from harm. The kids need to discover themselves and we need to be resilient and suck it up. Not the kids. Anyhow, that's something the WAS needs to take responsibility for. But it is not our job to tell the WAS or show the WAS that. Life will. So hard to not point out the consequences of their actions to them, but it falls on deaf ears and sounds parental when we do it. The LBS must lose that parental tone, b/c that parental voice, shuts out their inner voice. In your case, your w needs to hear her own inner voice to know that OM is wrong for her and the boys. Then she'll need to know that you will not make her path home an insurmountable one. I know couples who cannot reconcile b/c the LBSer says, "Hey, for me to trust you again, you'll need to do X', Y, and Z" and if they make it too hard, it doesn't happen. Who "wins" then? I think they both lose and the kids sure do.

Can you tell me honestly what is appealing about OM, to the boys? Surely it isn't all about the "stability" of being in one place? And what were your issues before, as a father? I mean, how on earth can your w think that YOUR sons being with OM is a good thing for them in the long run? Is she merely afraid to have to cut them off from OM? Hmmm, I've heard of times where a WAS marries OP only to divorce them and remarry their ex. And the kids have maintained "R's with the OP b/c for awhile the OP was like an uncle/step mom. But OPs rarely replace the real parent, if the real parent stays in their kids' lives. Sometimes I hear comments from you about custody that sound as if you'll give up time with them, to "Show her" or b/c you are in pain. That's a huge mistake. Fight for time with them. Not in front of them. But for them. They have to know they are valuable to you and that no matter what, they have two parents who love them.

Also, while you are naturally wanting to move on, and maybe you should, you can still keep the road home paved and smooth. For some reason I cannot fathom, you say her family and OM's family are somehow making it hard for her to come back to the M? Why are some people thinking the M should end? What's up with the "in too deep" comment?

I understand the depression she felt after her mom died and the miscarriage and the role of alcohol, etc., and the tailspin. Huge huge things... and you said that you weren't "there" for the M, etc. So she feels she suffered alone and was lonely and probably was very vulnerable. No matter what, you'll have to let go of a lot of that. For you, and for the boys. And due to the chance that a reconciliation can happen, forgiveness is crucial. I see hope in your sitch, I really do.

Can you explain the housing sitch? The decision and also, if FIL is supportive of you, why not stick around so she can see the changes in you and what she's losing?
I mean, you can go dark more or less, but due to the fact you do have kids together, she'll have to notice your changes...and wonder...and you can have a little mystery without dangling OW in her face or your boys. A guess at this end, since I'm a woman and all, is that your w would love to return to the home and M, if she could know that it'd be better and that you wouldn't make her pay over and over for her sins. If she knew, somehow, and felt reassured of your love and commitment to change without strings attached, I believe she'd come home with the boys. I am not saying she can keep the OM. I'm saying if she really really knew things were going to be better with you, she'd leave him. In time. I'm talking a few months more.
A bit more of
My intuition tells me your boys are testing you and that the last thing you should do is move away from them. You are modeling for your sons, how a man handles a blow to the gut, with dignity and strength. Any fool can be "manly" in the face of worship or admiration, but in the face of adverisity and rejection, being "manly" is a real feat. You are their role model, unless you prefer OM to be?....I didn't think so.
j-