Didn't even dropthe kdis off this morning, apparently she either stayed home or dropped them off at school and then was going to work late because her and OM drove right past me on the way to the train. A whole nother reason why I want to move, just too close.
House-mate didn't pay rent last night as he normally did so I have no choice now. Now I'm living off my mortgage payment which is already short. Barring any new develpments today I have no choice to call FIL and inform of this and let him deal with it. Im' sure that will put thim a joyous mood.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
You need to do what you feel you need to do. I was really upset last night over your situation. think it actually set me off.
She is ovbviously still out there, the onll thing I can say to you is move on with you, maybe she will catch up. But it does sound to me that she is feeling trapped in one position and afraid to do what she has already done before. And if she is feeling trapped, then it is only a matter of time before that situation comes to a head. I am still looking out for you and say ing extra prayers.
Well, I caved and tried to call her on a smoke break. Usually she'll answer at work with out hesitation, this time, straight to VM, which I left none. That means she blew off work with OM. Heh, she sure likes to play with fire as she's been threatened many times to be fired if she calls in again.
Can't focus on work as all I think about is what the heck to do. I want to stay, but I don't. I don't want to be caretaker of all her stuff she left behind behind and refuses to take out of the house. But yet, should what she said Saturday bear some truth, than I would like to stay so I can "be that close when she needs to talk". But then what does that make me? The safety net I said I wouldn't be.
I so wanted to leave a message to the effect that I do not deserve to be ignored, like it or not I still am your H and father of our kids.
This type of behvior from her really makes me question everything, I swear I feel like a dirty little secret.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Dday I am going through some wicked emotions right now, almost as hard as yours, my friend told, dude, just take a breath, get off the roler coaster and wait for her to get off. don't just sit there, go do things, but get off the roller coaster. We keep telling ourselves, no expectations and then we do this to ourselves. I am friggin losing it, why, becasue she sounded happy?! I'm as bad as her. Stay to you, be in charge of you, don't let her control your emoitons.
Ohhhh, wait, no-no, yeah I'm a little upset of what she said on Wednesday, true, that's not the main concern now.
I'm more torn right now about the moving thing. This is a major decision and now that I'm not getting any rent money, I don't have groceries for the kids, let alone myself. This means that all expenditures for the next week have to come out of the mortgage payment that was due last week, but never picked up or even asked for. Which then means I'm going to have replace the amount used off my check on Friday and the domino effect begins.
So the conditions mean she has to take full control of the kids, which needs to be done anyway because this bouncing them from house to house is not good for them. Is living with OM any better, OH HELL NO, but she is apparently serious about him and tells me no-way no-how will she even try for us. That's why I'd like to talk with her one more time and make sure she hasn't teetered back in the direction of "what-if", because once I walk out that door, that's it, as I will live out fully to the "as-if" aspect.
Then comes the aspect of her D terms, taking 27% of my check, coupled with paying taxes as 'single' again, I'm going to get ripped to pieces, I mean yeah sure the support will be offset by the increase in tax withholding so it all should balance out, but that's going to hurt a bit. I'm assuiming that's what she's having done today is papers finally drawn up, who knows.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
as you said, "damn [her]"... yeah that's a confusing sitch...Christ. She is one screwed up w..
I read your thread, but may be missing something. You have been married how long? The boys are how old? And the OM does what?
As for the boy's feelings, I see your point about not transferring them around so much. That disruption to THEIR lives due to your marital problems is among the most unfair aspects of divorce on kids. Please read "What About the Kids?" and if you can, somehow, have your w read it too. It is not fond of divorce and there is a LOT of info and research on the harm div does to kids and how it shows up later, when they grow up. Plus along the way...
The whole idea that we, the adults, need to discover ourselves while our children are resilient, is backwards. WAS's say it to convince themselves they are not harming the ones to whom they owe protection from harm. The kids need to discover themselves and we need to be resilient and suck it up. Not the kids. Anyhow, that's something the WAS needs to take responsibility for. But it is not our job to tell the WAS or show the WAS that. Life will. So hard to not point out the consequences of their actions to them, but it falls on deaf ears and sounds parental when we do it. The LBS must lose that parental tone, b/c that parental voice, shuts out their inner voice. In your case, your w needs to hear her own inner voice to know that OM is wrong for her and the boys. Then she'll need to know that you will not make her path home an insurmountable one. I know couples who cannot reconcile b/c the LBSer says, "Hey, for me to trust you again, you'll need to do X', Y, and Z" and if they make it too hard, it doesn't happen. Who "wins" then? I think they both lose and the kids sure do.
Can you tell me honestly what is appealing about OM, to the boys? Surely it isn't all about the "stability" of being in one place? And what were your issues before, as a father? I mean, how on earth can your w think that YOUR sons being with OM is a good thing for them in the long run? Is she merely afraid to have to cut them off from OM? Hmmm, I've heard of times where a WAS marries OP only to divorce them and remarry their ex. And the kids have maintained "R's with the OP b/c for awhile the OP was like an uncle/step mom. But OPs rarely replace the real parent, if the real parent stays in their kids' lives. Sometimes I hear comments from you about custody that sound as if you'll give up time with them, to "Show her" or b/c you are in pain. That's a huge mistake. Fight for time with them. Not in front of them. But for them. They have to know they are valuable to you and that no matter what, they have two parents who love them.
Also, while you are naturally wanting to move on, and maybe you should, you can still keep the road home paved and smooth. For some reason I cannot fathom, you say her family and OM's family are somehow making it hard for her to come back to the M? Why are some people thinking the M should end? What's up with the "in too deep" comment?
I understand the depression she felt after her mom died and the miscarriage and the role of alcohol, etc., and the tailspin. Huge huge things... and you said that you weren't "there" for the M, etc. So she feels she suffered alone and was lonely and probably was very vulnerable. No matter what, you'll have to let go of a lot of that. For you, and for the boys. And due to the chance that a reconciliation can happen, forgiveness is crucial. I see hope in your sitch, I really do.
Can you explain the housing sitch? The decision and also, if FIL is supportive of you, why not stick around so she can see the changes in you and what she's losing? I mean, you can go dark more or less, but due to the fact you do have kids together, she'll have to notice your changes...and wonder...and you can have a little mystery without dangling OW in her face or your boys. A guess at this end, since I'm a woman and all, is that your w would love to return to the home and M, if she could know that it'd be better and that you wouldn't make her pay over and over for her sins. If she knew, somehow, and felt reassured of your love and commitment to change without strings attached, I believe she'd come home with the boys. I am not saying she can keep the OM. I'm saying if she really really knew things were going to be better with you, she'd leave him. In time. I'm talking a few months more. A bit more of My intuition tells me your boys are testing you and that the last thing you should do is move away from them. You are modeling for your sons, how a man handles a blow to the gut, with dignity and strength. Any fool can be "manly" in the face of worship or admiration, but in the face of adverisity and rejection, being "manly" is a real feat. You are their role model, unless you prefer OM to be?....I didn't think so. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Unfortunatly, things took a hard turn for the worse, and LD, you NEED to pay attention to this.
Friday night (1/9) came and went with no call, no nothing and my call was rejected. Same held true for one last attempt on Sunday (1/11). Thus, I figured she'd made her descision and it's time to just get packing and carry on, so I stayed home Monday to do so. With everything being moved around I lost track of my phone and W tried calling.
Since she couldn't get a hold of me directly, she called "house-mates" phone and he came down with a weird look, and said "here, I don't want any prt of this". As soon as I spoke, W was screaming irrately that I had purposly switched health insurance coverage on her and would not let me get a word in edgewise that my employer is the one that made the change. She continues to scream that I DID IT, and now S11 can't see a Dr. and "he's dying", I'm like WTF are you talking about? She claims that his "throat was swollen shut" and he needs to go to the ER, so I continually say 'fine, I'll take him' and she says "no, your gonna give me the [instert explitive of your own liking] NOW! And I say no, I'll take him, unitll we can sit down and talk about some of these medical bills I'm having to pay FOR YOU so that my credit doesn't get hurt, I refuse to give you a card, if the kids have to go, I will take them, if you're in a emergency situation for yourself, I will come and take care of it, you will not have possesion of one of my cards.
Next thing I know as I'm coming up the back stairs still arguing my point, W comes flying through the house and football tackles me down the stairs, continually ramming me into the corner screaming "I'm going to kill you!" as S11 is standing at the top of the stairs yelling "mommy stop!"
My "house-mate" finally get her off of me and I get to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police. The moment I open my phone, she tackles me again trying to get my wallet and still screaming "I'm going to kill you!" and continaully rams me into the cabinet area that's in a J shape, so Im' trapped with no where to go. After a few mintues of this going on and my "house-mate" trying to pull her off with the least amount of force (bear in mind he's a good size guy), my BIL finally assists him in getting her off of me.
As soon as I could get up, my only escap route was to jump over the counter and head back downstairs and try and call the police. Unfortunately, my phone lost in the struggle and must have been upstairs somewhere. So, I light myself a cigarette and just try to get my bearings when all the sudden, 3 officers come in, guns drawn and are screaming hands up. So, I comply and after getting patted down and slammed to the concrete floor they're screaming AT ME for attacking her with a knife and where's the knife?
Immediately, my "house-mate", BIL and friend who was helping me pack tesstified there was no knife adn SHE'S the one that assalted me. After a few minutes of getting the story straight, they removed her from the house and no charges were filed as at that point I just wanted her out of the house.
I never saw my phone againg for the rest of the night and yet it magically appeared on the counter the next morning. Of which she began a long 2 day process of harassing calls and messages, especially on Wednesday night when I had to take S10 to the ER since he came down with strep from S11.
So, having enough of being harrassed and taking the phone from S10 when she was screaming profanities about me to HER OWN 10 YEAR OLD SON, I had enough, went to the courhouse and had a restraining order put in for no contact what so ever and domestic battery charges were filed, man was that the weirdest feeling in the world being the only male victim in the court
So, at least for the next 20 days, I have full custody of the kids and she if finally barred from access to the house. If she gets officially charged at the hearing, it will be this way for 2 years or D, which ever comes first to sort out the boys.
She's dug herself a BIG f'n hole this time.
Gave FIL a check for the "rent", he's not too overly happy, says he want's cash by tomorrow, I said tuff. I am in a HUGE financial crisis now as I was off all last week with 4 days unpaid, the gas bill shot up and now I'm feeding the boys full time, what a mess. But, they are doing well. S10 seems happy he's not 'over there' being kept up all night from their blarring radio and filthy conditions of the house. S11 is upset obviously he can't see W but understands what she did DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HIM was wrong. So we're just trying to be the best family we can be, minus one person.
She NEEDS help.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Oh my God!!! DD how are you holding up brother? That is insane! I can't believe she did that, but you have been saying she hasn't been rational at all. You gotta wonder , WTF, is this her rock bottom? You definitely need to start your stuff going. Get out of Dodge now!
i haven't hit that one yet and hopefully never do. she got her health insurance card. Financially she is ruined. they repo's her car and her dad was lending her $1000 to get it out, but a friend at the bank says she hasn't yet. She has a bench warrant for her arrest passing a bad check. the store is next door to where she works. So when she goes in to cash another check, they will be calling the local police and she will get slammed.
But enough of me, man you need to be stronger than ever right now. Can you find another place to live, temporarily withthe boys?
