WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[25yearsmlc]

LD

had to say something about your question re: reconciliation vs ending and moving on...wanting to "know" what to do or when...

Honey, you are expecting some sort of clarity in an unclear, murky, shifting sitch. This repeated question is like saying "I just want to KNOW the future, and that what I'm doing is right..." and "When will I know for sure?" over and over. You won't. I mean, if you do reconcile, and decades pass and you are still happy together...THEN you'll know. I said 1000 prayers and still do, and I think I'm doing the right thing by staying and DBing, but who knows? My d19 told me the other day that she doesn't like h, doesn't see what I see in him, etc. Felt like a punch in the stomach. I put HER needs and d11's first, thinking that divorce would be possibly easier for me, but harder on them, so I stuck it out, Dbing, and was generally glad at the results. Then I got those comments from d19 and had to wonder...wth? What if I was "supposed" to divorce and meet a new guy, remarry happily? Or be single but happier? What if? What if? What if?

My h was in a MLC, I suppose, for some years, off and on about 7, I'd say. That is a long time. I would have predicted a divorce if you had asked me 6 years ago, and then again, 2 years ago, or even 18 months ago. But it seems the big obstacle he had, a DREAM JOB 3000 miles away, has been processed and resolved. I hope. God, I hope. And We are together now. I still have no clear answer that what I did, DBing...was the right thing in that I'm not sure we'll ultimately stay married. I hope so. But we are a work in progress and I have mixed feelings about that at times. Sometimes I just want out, b/c I still have very little clarity. It's like a 55% vs 45% thing at times, and the opposite at other times. Sure, there are some very good times too, for which I'm grateful. And some tough ones too. H Still has trouble realizing how much damage he did to the R's with the kids and their opinions of him. Probably cannot handle the truth and it's not my job to tell him, I think.

I also know that NO M will ever be "just fine" in the sense that the couple is "done" working on things, or is clear on the world. And there is always the chance one will stop working on it, etc. Read some of the DB coaches' stories to see their own views on m. I mean, most of them have seen some ups and downs. I doubt any of them got a message in the sky. Believe me, I sure wanted clarity. Desparately. To know His will, or better yet, the future, would solve the hardest part, and then my only challenge would be truly following God's will. But you know, I never got "the" answer, I just did my best to be patient and see what unfolded.
Figured I had to trust the big guy, and He'd make it clear in His time.

It's a balancing act; between being patient and or, knowing when to move on. But you are soooo early in this process. I cannot stress that to you enough. Relax. If you know you love her still, as you say, then you have the answer for now.

Back way off and work on yourself. Stop the questioning. You haven't been here as long as it feels, but I know it's hard. I really get that.
hang in there,
j-