FH - Had a real good weekend. Saw some friends Friday night, got a lot of work done at work on Saturday morning, went down to my buddy's house, we all went to lunch, that woman was there but it was a group of us. Went out and did some karaoke, met a bunch of people had a few drinks and home for football all day today.

The walk is hard, harder than I thought it would be because I thought I had detached enough, not really.

Haven't really talked or thought about her after my episode the other day. D17 wants to fix me up with her friends mom. LOL....Cracks me up...I told no, that's ok, and she proceeded to tell me all about her and what not, I just laughed.

Comment got made to me by one of my friends when his niece asked me if I had talked to her. I said, no, but that day will be coming and my other friend said, yep, it will and it won't be the call you expect either. I let it drop. She had picked him up a couple of weeks ago to see my friend play, not sure what was said, didn't ask, trying not to care. I was told several times this weekend what a great guy I am and any woman would consider herself lucky to be with you. I thought that was real nice.

Trying hard to see her face in my mind. I can and i can't if you know what i mean. It is fading. I'm scared about that, haven't really looked into it, but at this point I need to get this walk well under way. a close friend of mine is going through a real rough time with is girl. He called me for advice yesterday and we talked about what he needs to do. Funny, I kept telling him that everything is about what you want, if you want the realtionship then it can be, if you don't then you don't. He has been telling me that she would be back after the holidays and asked if I anything was happening between us, told him no. she is with him so there is nothing. Keep praying , keep asking when , keep asking if, keep asking why. I know it is a time issue and I need to finish this walk. I am at the edge of the ridge, looks down into a valley and its high up. Can see the side osf a mountain. Path is clear and green grass everywhere, but the path is clearly seen. Heads down and then up to the mountains. Will probably go to the library to get a book on dreams and images to see what they mean. No more thorns, doesn't look like anything is really in the way, no tres, funny, but I don't see trees. Rocks, grass, this moutnain the valley, but no trees. Don't see anything behind me, He keeps me looking ahead, its almost like I can't turn. Image is in my head sleeping and even awake when I pray. I see it. Don't really hear me saying or talking about anything, we are just kind of walking, slow, like you would with a small child. I miss her very much. More now. He tells me its ok to feel this way, and I should miss her, He wants me to miss her. But I need to let go and let things happen, I keep interferring and things keep geting moved to the side. No more driving by her work to see if she got a tire, no more asking anyone about anything regarding this sitch or my R/M or W. I haven't been , but it was tough this weekend to bite my tongue when I did get asked and felt the urge to rehash it allover again. I liked going out, not so much the drinking as I am paying for it today being the new amateur alcoholic that I have become. I like that title. Having a few beers once a month when I am out with friends is OK. I let my self indulge.

The walk is slow, we are walking so slow, don't know why. Busy week coming up so i should be able to walk this path without interruption this week. I hope she is thinking of me, I know she isn't but I'd like to think she is and does. I am mad for letting my self get so hammered by my own thoughts about what she should do and think. The bad news I gave her int he mail she didn't read is real and is going to hit her. there is no mistaking that. I am letting it go with that. As 25year posted to me, "Life will show her the consequences of her decisions" I am holding onto that and understanding that I can't. 31 years, just pissing away 31 years and not really showing any signs of remorse, funny, I can't think of a single time in my life where I wanted to bolt, there were plenty of times I wasn't happy and not "in love" with her, but I got through it by thinking about what she means to me, the big picture.... No longer want to think about that though, it is what it is right now, there is no turning back time, there can be no living in the past, there is no us, there is me, my life and what I need to do. A hard walk, a very hard walk..