I think you have a good start on a theory. So, what happens next? If one of the parties doesn't want an awesome relationship, even after a number of years? But they don't want to end it either. They are content to go on indefinitely as "room mates"? Where do you go from there?
for me...... life is too short to live in beige. I want full blown wall to wall color.
People vote with their actions & their feet.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
So, what happens next? If one of the parties doesn't want an awesome relationship, even after a number of years? But they don't want to end it either. They are content to go on indefinitely as "room mates"? Where do you go from there?
Hi VH,
Here are my thoughts... Since your waw is still there sounds to me like there is still hope. Also, going to MC could really help, that is a positive sign. If she really wanted out, she would have left by now- so she's all talk and no action. You do deserve way better than what you've gotten, like so many of us here. If you feel motivated in sticking with the DB longer, maybe try some new tactics to reignite the friendship. Does anything in DB stand out as an idea to try? I bet your MC will have good suggestions. I hope that works out for you soon!
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
(((((Mishka, cookie, L_L))))) What have I decided? All I can say is that I have decided that it has to change. I don't think I know how much change is enough change, or how fast it has to be. Intention to change would go a long way!
Cookie, I could use some color!
L_L, here is the thing.... She doesn't want out, she just doesn't want to be married. But she wants the security for herself, and especially for the kids of being married. That doesn't leave me in a great spot. She isn't going to leave. I don't want her to leave, but I don't want her to stay like this. But whatever happens, I am going to have to drive it, because she is content with the status quo. All of the evidence suggests that she will (consciously or not) drag her feet as much as possible to prevent anything from changing.
Whats up Jeff? So just a question for you, what good would it do for you to mix things up a bit and apply some pressure? I am mainly curious as to what the upside is and what the possible downsides are? Have you thought that far ahead?
You know, I really can't think of a downside.... what's the worst thing that can happen? We get D'd? Except for the money, and the kids (ok that's a big except) what's different about that? Upside? Maybe she would realize that things cannot stay like this, and that she is responsible for her part of it. I had hoped the letter would help push that, and I think it might have, for ten minutes or so! So, I think I do need to follow up, with some more pressure of some sort. At some point I am going to have to answer the question of whether there is anything she can do, or we can do, that will make me absolutely sure I want to try. I'm not there right now.
Yep, the kids.... there lies the problem for everyone shouldered with morals. Some days it sucks to be an ethical person.
Jeff, I think that adding some small pressures is actually a good idea as long as you can figure out how to apply them without adding the ultimatums in there. So what kind of things, starting small can you think of to maybe jolt her a bit without pushing to far?
That's a tough one. I'm going to keep pushing for going to MC, but I don't know that counts. There are not really a lot of things that I can think of that I can use to apply any pressure. I don't "have" anything that she "Wants". I am thinking of trying to figure out some of how things could be done if we do S, or D, and mentioning them. To show her that it is being thought about. I don't think she believes I would do it.
well Jeff, that may be just the ticket. Maybe make some time to go over some of the logistical questions and show her that you are thinking about it. Might be a good place to start bud.
