Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[NikB]

(((((Trixi))))))

I'm sorry you're having such a rough few days. Seems to always happen to you when he gets that hook back in.

There are a lot of people in Newcomers who post about having to back away from the good AND the bad from their WAS, just to stay sane. "Backing away from the fire", "quit touching the hot stove," etc.

You don't know how happy that makes me to read that. I was really starting to think that maybe I was weak or screwed up.

NO, not at all... not in the slightest.

I try not to get into the "WAS bashing" too much since obviously we only see/hear part of the story here. But I mean, really... who is the more "screwed up" one? The one who's 44 acting like he's 19, smoking pot, defending his druggie room mate, choosing "music" over family and even his own kid... or the one who's trying desparately to keep her family together, help those she loves... ?

The ONLY thing that I'd argue is "weak/screwed up" is that this has gone on so long and you keep letting him jerk you around like this. It DOES make me very sad to see it but please don't beat yourself up for it. Work on finding that inner STRENGTH to get past it.

I HATE the idea of H hooking up with someone "better" than me. I guess that makes me selfish and I must not truly love him?

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from with this - really, I do. But you know what I realized during the worst parts of my sitch? "Better" IN HIS EYES does not necessarily mean "better person." Maybe he'll find a better "match"... maybe in his world, "better" than you (for him) means some tweaked out 19 year old willing to fawn at his feet while he plays his music in a smoky bar somewhere. Someone willing to act immature, do drugs with him, indulge his selfishness.

It doesn't make that person "better" than you, not by a longshot.

Or let's say he finds some wildly successful music producer / supermodel who's willing to sponsor him and help him "make it." Someone he can "use" in a different way than he's "used" you. Does that make her better? No.. it doesn't.

In my case - the OW was thinner, fitter, and physically able to do a lot of things with H that I just couldn't (i.e. skiing). I won't ever be able to do those things. She's a lot more "free spirited" and fun and whatever. Does that make her better than me? Maybe... at least for H, if that's what he wants.

Oh but wait... she's also responsible for "helping" dozens of men out of unhappy marriages. During the most "intense" part of their EA she was: 1. married and living at home with an H who had no idea she was unhappy, 2. had a "boyfriend" at work who had a wife and newborn baby at home, 3. had at least 2 other EAs going on, which resulted in 2 other divorces. That's just the start.

Is she better? Well.. it's a matter of perspective. And it'll ALWAYS be that way.

I would especially hate it if he hooks up with someone "Better" and I end up single and alone..where was the "it's for the best" for me? KWIM? (I am just being brutally honest here. I am in a particularly bad frame of mind these last couple days.)

I'm so sorry. Wish I could be there to give you a hug for real and kidnap you to go do something fun! (or, drink a cup of coffee and let ya cry it out for awhile... whatever works).

You really just don't know what the future holds, relationship wise. I don't think you can do much "worse" than what you've got going on now, though. You can make a great happy life for yourself - I truly do think that is better than this constant jerking around that is happening with your H! If someone comes along later and treats you well and joins you in your life - well, that's great. (especially if it turns out to be him )

Sure your H might find someone else for the short term - who knows, maybe he'll find the girl of his dreams. For now. 5 or 10 or 20 years down the line... could be a whole different story.

My Dad D'd my Mom around 15 years or so ago, now. He married someone much younger, thinner, prettier (on the surface, anyway, and due mostly to the 20 year age difference!). She was a successful business woman, great Mom, blah blah blah. I got along great with her. It was the stereotypical thing - he traded in my Mom for the newer younger model, she traded in her "loser" H for my financially successful (at the time) Dad.

My Mom ended up very bitter and angry - dated a few kinda icky guys but has pretty much sworn off men at this point I think.

Today... my Dad is still devastated and picking up the pieces 2 years after his "better" W walked out and filed for D. My Mom on the other hand pretty much hates men - but she's done a good job at building a peaceful, content life for herself even without that. If at this point she DID break down the walls and let a guy in, I can guarantee he would have to be a pretty amazing man.

I don't quite know how to back away from the sitch right now. H needs me to drive him to see SS in rehab. (No, I am not going to tell him to find another way there and I think it's important to SS that he see his parents support him and are a united front.)

I know... that does make it really difficult! The only thing I can really think of is the same stuff I suggested for your original drive. From your side, act "as if" it's over and done, decision is made. Friendly but not friends... co-parents for SS's sake. I think that's probably the best for your sanity, anyway.

I can't "fault" him for that-- "gee, H, you know how you want your head to be clear as you consider what to do? I've decided I don't want to be around in support of that." huh?

Ummm... I see where you're coming from, really I do, but it was his choice to separate, his choice to pretty much kick you out of your house and his life (most of the time), his choice to become involved with the alcohol and drugs and "cloud" his head.

Which has led to a LOT of emotional turmoil and pain for you. Nearly unbearable pain, at times, I'll bet.

And now you're expected (or expecting yourself) to support him in his "recovery" from all his bad choices?? In hopes that he MIGHT "reward" you by deciding to let you back in his life?

I think you can back WAY OFF and still support him. By driving to his IC appointments, if he asks, for example. But not by being his "standing by the door waiting" wife who's putting your entire life on hold for him.

But I have to say, I can't help feeling like he has used me to 'get over me' this past year and now he is working on making us "just friends" so that he can leave me once and for all and not feel bad about it.

I think a lot of it has been waffling and indecision on his part, but I also think you may be on to something here unfortunately.

Unless you are WILLING to be "just friends" with him if you're D'd, I think you need to put a stop to that NOW. It will be a lot harder later, after your "just friendship" is established. Know what I mean?

Your "boundary" might be "It's a romantic R, or it's co-parents and nothing more" - and use that to help guide you in how you interact/react when you're around him. That may or may not be your boundary - just throwing it out there as an example.

(((Trixi)))

You have WAY too much on your plate right now and I'm really sorry.

I swore to myself I was going to just check in real quick and not even post today but I just couldn't do it. Hugs to you.