OK, first of all Deb I never feel you are pro divorce. Never. Your story, is diferent than mine. I keep what Ian says from what you tell me, how you took this and turned it around to become instead of an end to a beginning of whole new life. You were "lucky" enough to meet Bill and do this trip together, but I agree you would have been OK even if you had not met Bill. So, dont worry about me misunderstanding your posts. I understand them, I think, they way you mean them.
Ian, thank you for speaking your mind. If you had been around form the start you would know I am one that appreciates 2x4s even more than encouragement some times. But, you are wrong about one thing. I have not yet made up my mind. I have not yet completely given up. You see, a lot of things have changed, I have changed, my way of looking at life has changed. It wasnt just H and his choices, it was my kids suffering, my family and what came out of this mess (I have now a brother who I know is there for me in tough times), I have friends I would support in any possible way (not that I didnt before but some people just became family for me, with the greatest meaning of the word), I have reevaluated my job and what it gives me, and I have tried to change the one and serious thing that has been making my life complicated and difficult:my pessimism. That is what bothered H too for a long time.
You see,if you knew my story, we started off as a fairy tale and soon had to deal with consecutive really bad moments in our common life. Everytime I would think things cant get any worse, they would. Soon, I lost all my strength and just gave up and became bitter and angry. I never said I was justified to be this way, but I do believe it happened as a reaction to what was going on in our life.
During last year, I realised that worse never is the worst, there is no ceiling to it. So, after my dads illness (maybe even before that but that really did it to me)I figured I should be more grateful for what I have and not complain about what I dont have. I regained my attitude of my earlier years, the attitude that attracted people to me and I had lost, I stopped being so self absorved, in misery mostly -dont think arrogance- and started enjoying life. That is what my H saw and wanted back. I think.
I managed to change little things I always wanted to, about finance, house issues etc etc. And I am sticking to these changes because I feel better. So, these were not for him.
What I am dealing with now, to me, makes no sense. So I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. It affects my mood, my strength, my will to live my everyday. Maybe it shouldnt, but it does.
In my case, my H has not been a mean person (with a few excemptions), there was no abuse, drinking problems, cheating etc etc. He has been a good father granted the time he had for us. He has loved me very much and although in retrospective I can see him not being very expressive, he was able to make me feel loved somehow.
Now, it's...zero, nothing. I dont feel it. Maybe because he deosnt show it together with the fact that I have really changed and I need more. My H is like a piece of me. That will never change. I know now. During our trip together, I was very disappointed but there were moments I though "this could work if only...". We were the 4 of us on a snowmobile laughing, my kids having a great time and although we were nothing like a couple, the hapinness I saw in their eyes was enough to make me want to try.
I dont need an OKAY to let go. I really dont. I feel like I have done my best. I will not have regrets. My regrets would only be "maybe I should have stayed for the kids", because I sincerely believe if I could do that, he would be fine with it. If that would be right or wrong is another issue. You see,I am thinking of others like my parents, his dad more than I should maybe. But that is the way I am.
I sent him the letter, he came over today without having read it. We spent the day, I started the fireplace, the kids had fun. He talked to me hardly 15 sentences (10 of them about the kids) and left after 5-6 hours. I SHOULD treat him more lovingly, but I cant. I cant find in me anymore. I have no more. I need him to "spend some energy" in us. I cant get this off the ground on my own. Maybe I could 6 months ago. I dont know. I am sure I had more anger in me back then because I feel it coming out in waves even now. Sometimes it is about now, sometimes it is about the last year.
For many of our years together I used to "justify" his attitude with "H is a man that feels alot but cant show it, he is sensitive, he is a good person, he has good intentions, I KNOW things without him showing them to me". I lost that now. After what happened I NEED to feel and see. He cant figure that out. He wants me to take him "for granted" in the good way again, based on previous "good behaviour". He wants me to erase the last year. I HONESTLY CANT do that. I am too hurt to just forget. Maybe that is my mistake. I refuse to just believe, regain my faith to him UNTIL -if ever- he prooves himself to me. He wants it the other way around. That is why we are stuck. A couple of times I tried. It didnt work out. In seconds I had huge questionmarks appearing in my head, fear, disbelief, mistrust. I have been desperately asking for his help. He cant see that. Still, I am not yet ready to say it is over. K
