I have not posted to you before but I have read your sitch and wanted to let you know you are on the right path.
My hubby and I were separated about a month then went to MC to try and sort things out but at the end of our 6 free sessions we still did not know whether we wanted to get back together or not so our counselor advised us to each go to IC to work on ourselves as well as the problems the other person was having with us. We actually made a list of the things we would need to see changed before we could get back together again.
Long story short we are back together now and happier than ever before. My hubby is still planning on doing his own IC but I know from mine that it helped clear up so many things and helped me figure myself out more and it is helping A LOT in our marriage.
The number one thing I learned is that I cannot change my husband. I can only change myself. You hear that all the time but it has to click in your own head before you can act on it.
I think you have a good attitude about this situation. Just keep those expectations low. It is very hard to do when things are going so well but they can really damage your progress if you let them take over (read my previous threads for details if you wish) I almost lost my hubby multiple times due to my impatience and unrealistic expectations that came from things going so well between us. Just because we were getting a long and spending time together did not mean that we were ready to get back together.
So enjoy the ride as much as you can. There will be unpleasent stretches but you will eventually work through it.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I know I have a positive attitude about the whole thing...I'm sure that will come and go...but for now I feel pretty good. I have now convinced myself that I have to change for no one other than ME. I understand that now. I know it will be hard not to push things at all, but I feel that I will not even appempt to ask for my wife to come back until my therapist feels that I am ready. So, I will just put that out of my mind the best that I can. I will continue to spend time with her though, when she's in town and vice versa, but put in my head that she is just my friend, and let the interaction be based from that. I have EMMENSE support from my family, and that is a tremendous help.
So, last night was a bad night...for the first time in a long time, we fought on the phone. I am kinda having a realization, I think. A little hard to come to terms with, but I am beginning to realize that I don't think that we are ever going to reconcile...no, I wasn't trying to talk about reconciliation last night, but here's why I say that. She is in her parents' house, her family caters to everything for her...she hasn't said that, but I know her family well enough. Everything is provided for her. She has distanced herself from every friend that supports us getting back together, and embraces those that support what she wants...even through a couple of little things she said to me, I feel that her family supports that as well. I think the longer that she is in that environment down there, the easier it is for her to do, and the longer she is around those people, the more she feels that it is the right thing to do. Being her friend, getting along with her, not being resistant to her, doing everything right, and she still seems to move further and further in that direction.
Okay, the fight last night. The day before, we talked about the idea of her moving back up here...that way I am closer to the children, and can see them more than just twice a month...it has been a VERY trying experience for them...lots of behavorial issues, tears, changes to eating habits, etc. It has been very hard on the kids. That conversation ended solely because there was no way we could financially swing her being up here. Well, I came up with a couple of options to swing it. I wanted to address that with her. Then the truth came out. We spend half an hour on the phone, discussing it, and everytime I overcame a problem in the idea, she created another one. 1. She's tired of moving. 2. She doesn't trust me 3. She doesn't want to deal with all of the responsibility (ie, bill paying and all of that)...funny thing is...in regards to that she stated that she didn't WANT my help in that department....but right now she seems to have NO issues with me paying all of her credit cards, and the car note on the vehicle she is driving. I asked her if she was going to live with her parents the rest of her life (she went off on a tangent Friday at the meeting about never having been independent...and being that way now. She said that she has always lived under a man...she was living under her parent's roof when I met her, then under mine...but she's back under HIS roof again! She has never had a job in her life...nor does she have one now. She said that this isn't her fault, because SHE didn't do this to us...I then asked her if that meant our children should pay for the mistakes I made...she actually said YES! That was when I lost it...I just exploded....how could she say something so cruel in regards to my kids??? Where is the woman that I married? I am not going to do anything rash at the moment, but I have considered filing paperwork for force her to bring my kids back to this state, and I have considered when the legal seperation paperwork comes...refusing it because I want the custody part ammended...I don't know who this woman is right now, and it does scare me that my kids are down there in that environment.
Sooo....she sent me an email talking about how well adjusted and happy the boys are now, and everything there is fine...yada yada yada. How niave can a person be? I come from a broken home myself...two decades later I am still affected by it. My kids are okay two months after leaving? I emailed her back, saying that I disagree, and that with her inability to commit to a regular time for me to call the boys everyday (she schedules me around everything she has, instead of the other way around) makes me feel like I am being phased out, and it is also prohibiting any kind of stability for the kids in regards to me. She txted me saying that she will commit to a specific time everyday (we'll see how long that lasts), and everything else needs to be addressed in a mediation. Then she called. She was so angry with me...I was talking calmly, but she was so angry. She wouldn't hear me on anything with the boys. I ended up telling her that I could take legal action to bring my kids back into the state, but I didn't want to do that...I told her that I felt we could talk amongst each other and resolve it, if she would just give the chance. She got real mad, and asked if I had been working with a lawyer...I said yeah, because I had questions I needed answered, and that since she was hell bent on this legal seperation, I needed to have that to make sure that I protect myself...so she's like, so you've retained a lawyer? I said yeah. She felt too angry to stay on the phone with me, and said we will talk tomorrow.
