Hey K, loss of hope is a very tough position to find oneself in. I think that in reading all of this and seeing the interactions there are some things that stand out to me and being that I tend to speak my mind I am going to say what I have to say, bear with me and in advance do not take this as a personal attack or giving you grief, more stating the obvious.
I believe you have your mind made up already. I believe you have for a little while now. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, just that it is the way things have been. The WAS leave because they have made a decision that things are simply unfixable and they will better without their spouse. The effort that they do put in is a joke, it is simply so they can tell themselves and you that they did try. So I guess what I want to know is do you really feel like you have done your part or not? Forget about what he has done,have YOU?
Your husband says you haven't changed, is he right at all? Have you truly made the efforts to change the things that he has said need changing? Is it not worth it to change them because he is not working on his issues? You see the changes that we choose to make can burn us. We sometimes decide to change those things for the completely wrong reasons. For them. If the change isn't for you because you truly want to change it about yourself then it will never work. WE cannot change something in ourselves that we do not believe needs changing. You can fake it all you want but if it isn't a real change they will see through it and you will revert back to the true you.
I am a huge supporter of Bworl and Deb, they both did some incredible work on themselves and regardless if they had found each other or not they both would have been ok because of how they chose to make their lives.It is something we should all aspire to do, for ourselves and no one else. So, with that said, regardless of how your marriage works out, are you taking the necessary steps to transform yourself into who you want to be? Or are you operating day to day solely based on your marriage? It's a trap we all fall into at one point or another.
K, sometimes there comes a point where we have to simply say enough is enough. Your not happy right now, your constantly having to deal with the situation and the lack of progress, and not for nothing but it appears to me that you just want it to be ok to say that it is over. If that is the case, then understand that it is. If you have reached that point and you do feel like you have changed what you can and have done all that you can do to make things work and nothing is changing then there comes a point where you must simply save yourself.
The thing that I challenge you on however is that I feel like you still have a whole lot of work to do on YOU. Forget your marriage at this point and focus on yourself for a while. Stop dealing with the relationship at all, back away and deal with yourself and your kids. Your email to your H is a starting point, and by the way, not everything has to be DB perfect..... I don't really think his response matters as to me it seems that whatever he says will be taken a certain way. If he says he agrees and it is over then you say to yourself "see, I was right he doesnt want to change", if he says he still wants time you will say to yourself, "what's the point he isn't going to do anything anyway". It's sort of a catch 22 for him isn't it?
So maybe at this point it is simply a good move for you to say that YOU have decided that it is done. That you don't want to fight the fight anymore. Own it, simply own that this is where you are at and how you feel you need to move forward. Every one of us here will support whatever decision you make K, just make it for yourself is all. Do not make giving up about his actions or decisions, they are not the sole reason for where you are today.
I hope you understand what I am saying to you and hear teh message.
