Two WAS's- is it really meant to be or walk away?

[Loving_Life]

So, I just got an insight from a old mutual friend of mine and stbx, that he is telling some people that I was the one who broke off our R, and then they feel sorry for him- tell him to "keep his chin up", etc. What a spin! I kind of suspected this, b/c he's done this before during our last S. Stbx has so much pride, he can never admit he's at fault for anything. Whatever. It's just kind of irritating that he has to keep blaming everything on me. Stbx is good at manipulating others and twisting the truth.
Why do I want to have anything to do with someone so immature. Yes, I'm still riding the emotions rollercoaster from time to time.

[Trixi]

Hey LovingLife-
Glad to see that you put some photos up. It might take awhile for the impact to be known. I don't know about your stbx, but I am a terrible facebooker and rarely visit, so it might take a little bit for him to even spot the pics.

UGH! on the blaming the separation on you thing. Boo!
Believe me, I often wonder why ANY of us are here trying to "keep" a marriage to a partner that clearly doesn't have "it" in them to hold up their end of a bargain.

Out of curiousity--what if he DID want to reconcile? Would you move back? Would he move to where you live?

Since your contact with him is so sparse, I don't know if I have any particular advice other than what you have done by posting the pics.

You actually sound pretty good, to me

[Loving_Life]

Out of curiousity--what if he DID want to reconcile? Would you move back? Would he move to where you live?

Oh wow, there is so much I could say. I feel like my emotional floodgates are opening up again recently and I need to meet more people here for support!!

If this ever came up, I think I would consider moving back, since we bought the house together there. I actually told stbx this in October when we were talking more. Stbx told me then he was NOT going to move here (which is too bad since this would be a better city for his music career, but somehow he won't admit that.) Stbx is a fairly controlling/macho person, things have to be on his terms or not at all. He's always had trouble sharing, compromising, etc. He hates being in limbo too, so everything in his life is a split second decision practically. Makes it hard to work with a person like this. He likes to make a decision and then close the door.

Lately it's hitting me that it's really unfortunate that his attitude is killing our M. I guess that's what happens in a lot of cases, but it's hard to come to terms with.
I asked him in Oct why he would want to throw it away after 15 yrs(not great DB there) and he said he needed to 'walk away' not throw it away. He didn't regret our time together, but now he needs to be on his own.
Stbx's best friends are anti-M, anti-R and sort of anti-women too(some of the gay guys). So he's surrounded by people who are 'supporting' him. Just great, right. They're all musicians who want that magical? life of being with the music, being free and only having to worry about themselves.

I'm torn between feeling all different emotions. I know this is normal, but what a ride it is some days. I feel it's unfortunate we are heading toward the D, but I also know that I have put in a lot trying to work things through. I've hung on for 15yrs with this guy who has wanted to break up 3 times now (this is the 3rd time). The first time he had an EA a year after we were married and I just cried and stayed with him, while he ignored me for about 6 months. The second time -5 yrs ago- after 7yrs married, we separated for 6 months and I did everything I could to move back in with him, and then I finally did. He invited me back as a 'roommate' and then we ended up piecing after that. This time, he's badgering me about the D progress and he wants the D to be done with like yesterday. I believe in M, my parents have been married 42 years. But, I also know I deserve someone who admits he loves me and wants to be with me-permanently. Looking back, it's kind of clear that *I* have been the one who keeps saving our M, not him..

It does feel better to be able to let emotions out here. I'm really thankful for DB and the boards here.

[Loving_Life]

Out of curiousity--what if he DID want to reconcile? Would you move back? Would he move to where you live?

Oh wow, there is so much I could say. I feel like my emotional floodgates are opening up again recently and I need to meet more people here for support!!

If this ever came up, I think I would consider moving back, since we bought the house together there. I actually told stbx this in October when we were talking more. Stbx told me then he was NOT going to move here (which is too bad since this would be a better city for his music career, but somehow he won't admit that.) Stbx is a fairly controlling/macho person, things have to be on his terms or not at all. He's always had trouble sharing, compromising, etc. He hates being in limbo too, so everything in his life is a split second decision practically. Makes it hard to work with a person like this. He likes to make a decision and then close the door.

Lately it's hitting me that it's really unfortunate that his attitude is killing our M. I guess that's what happens in a lot of cases, but it's hard to come to terms with.
I asked him in Oct why he would want to throw it away after 15 yrs(not great DB there) and he said he needed to 'walk away' not throw it away. He didn't regret our time together, but now he needs to be on his own.
Stbx's best friends are anti-M, anti-R and sort of anti-women too(some of the gay guys). So he's surrounded by people who are 'supporting' him. Just great, right. They're all musicians who want that magical? life of being with the music, being free and only having to worry about themselves.

I'm torn between feeling all different emotions. I know this is normal, but what a ride it is some days. I feel it's unfortunate we are heading toward the D, but I also know that I have put in a lot trying to work things through. I feel rejected, then I feel like standing up for myself. I've hung on for 15yrs with this guy who has wanted to break up 3 times now (this is the 3rd time). I believe in M, my parents have been married 42 years. But, I also know I deserve someone who admits he loves me and wants to be with me-permanently. It does feel better to be able to let emotions out here. I'm really thankful for DB and the boards here.

[Trixi]

Oh ((((Loving_Life))))

Heh-you know my sitch, so you *know* that I can TOTALLY relate. And I feel like I'm the one that has held my relationship together, too. My parents got divorced when I was young, but I have always 'believed' in marriage despite that.

You have been doing really good! Getting out there, doing stuff-being strong. .... What has happened recently that brought you back to the emotional roller coaster?

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Loving_Life, thanks for posting on my thread. It seems to me that you have been the DB queen (as far as following the rules & following through). Since you have quite a history of DBing, do you know your cheese tunnels? Have your tired the do something different? It seems you've been pretty dark or tried to since you left. (I'm just throwing ideas out).

I've started reading Michele's other book Getting Through to the Man you Love. It's pretty good. (Even though I think my sitch is too far gone for it's help).

Great job at GAL!!

[MsMelancoly]

BTW - What state did you file in? I find it interesting about the "Status Check" on your D. What's that all about?

Dealing w/a bi-polar person is difficult (I dated someone that was bi-polar). One very positive thing about your H is that he did talk about how he felt about himself & your M.

[Loving_Life]

MsM thanks for the comments! The D was filed in WI, "jointly" before I left. Stbx was badgering me endlessly about it and I knew I needed financial protection if we were to be separated, so I went ahead and signed temporary order papers before I left. At the time, I felt ready to give up. Here's why: I did wait 2-1/2 months after stbx's D bomb(last May), living in the house with him, trying LRT and putting off signing papers before I ended up moving out(Aug). He told his parents we were getting a D right away last May! Then he applies for a refinance right away last June (before D papers were filed or anything) He had never done something like that before. Then he took off his ring, and told all his friends(June). My feelings have been up and down since leaving of course. After the 4 mo waiting period, I asked my lawyer to hold - then a 'status check' date was assigned to our case by the judge in March. This could be our final D hearing if we have a signed final agreement to present(which stbx wants).

In addition to stbx's bi-polar issue, he also has a substance abuse problem (mostly smoking), so his state of mind is difficult to work with. He's impulsive and impatient. The smoking actually helps calm him down, but then he's in a fog. He's convinced it's his 'medicine'.

One very positive thing about your H is that he did talk about how he felt about himself & your M.

Yes, I'm glad that he was able to share some thoughts a few months ago. This was right after the 'waiting period' for the D was up and I told him we needed to decide if we were continuing with the D or we could cancel the case. I think he felt like I understood him and he was relieved - but now he just wants it to be over with as soon as possible. I'm not sure if I have enough to go on anymore.

[Trixi]

substance abuse problem (mostly smoking), so his state of mind is difficult to work with. He's impulsive and impatient. The smoking actually helps calm him down, but then he's in a fog. He's convinced it's his 'medicine'.

Do you mean pot or cigarettes? If you mean pot and you tell me he has said that it "helped him write music"...

but now he just wants it to be over with as soon as possible. I'm not sure if I have enough to go on anymore.

Has there been any response to the MySpace pics you posted? Given the distance between you and the decreased contact...I don't know what else to suggest besides leaving a "trail" of evidence that you have GAL'd.
... I know that my H likes it when I make things for him. (Not that it will keep us together, though.) Is there any art piece you could make for him? I made my H the "Gold Record" clock for Christmas ("best gift I have ever gotten my whole life") and it is now hanging on the studio wall. In fact, how I put the band name on the clock, might end up being the actual "font" and style they use for real life. (I would call you making a gift for him a Hail Mary.)

Do you *want* to do a Hail Mary? I am not even sure a Hail Mary works on men...An author says that we women need to quit doing all the work in our relationships and "lean back" and let the guy do the work; that the natural order of things is that the GUY is supposed to DO for us and that WE accept their offerings, not the other way around. (Heh-I like the advice, just have a helluva time following it myself.)

Hmmm....maybe Michelle's book would help....Seems to me, you're pretty awesome and have gone way above and beyond to keep the relationship together..you are now living in a city that is MUCH more suited towards making YOU happy...tell me more about the "why's" of staying married. And(using your own words against you ) I bet there's a guy in your area that would LOVE to have a woman like you and who wouldn't be some self-centered pooh-head. If your H is too daft to know what he is about to lose, maybe he's too dumb for you anyway.

[Loving_Life]

Do you mean pot or cigarettes? If you mean pot and you tell me he has said that it "helped him write music"...

Yes, you know it- both. Stbx needs to smoke pot often and yes he thinks it's good for everything, including his music. His big excuse (for why he will never quit or admit he's an addict) is that it helps his tendonitis pain and his bipolar disorder, which can be bad, and he's medicating. He's also started taking way too many pain pills recently, which I'm worried is a bad path for him to start on. Somehow he does stay away from alcohol, but he can be a dangerous binge drinker on occasion. A couple months ago he claimed he "was cutting down on everything" and he needed to do this for himself, not for me or anyone else. Since we're long distance, I'm not sure if he did or not- really.

tell me more about the "why's" of staying married. And(using your own words against you ) I bet there's a guy in your area that would LOVE to have a woman like you and who wouldn't be some self-centered pooh-head. If your H is too daft to know what he is about to lose, maybe he's too dumb for you anyway.

Yes, Thank you! I'm coming to terms with this right now (since my D is impending) I feel like it's sad that I have tried for so long and stbx is not responding to LRT. I haven't been perfect, but at this point what can a person do beyond the last resort? I feel like it's sad this is the second time we are S and that is maybe a wake up call.

No response to the pictures yet- not sure if he's seen them. He did log in to his page on the same day I posted them- so I think he is checking . He's got a myspace music page with like 2,000 friends, I'm listed as #300 on his friends list. And it was always this way. Nice, huh? If he does see the pics-it potentially looks like I have BF(lol!) really though it's just me and friends hugging/having fun(but if you didn't know that you might ponder...)

Part of me wants to ponder more about have I done everything possible yet to save my M? I have 2 months to D date- perhaps I could give it a last shot. Maybe it makes me feel better to know I have done or tried everything possible.

I do know I deserve better and I wonder if I should just totally give it up right now. Part of me thinks I could try a few more things until the D/March court date, but if nothing changes by then forget it. I don't know. Maybe my stbx is a hopeless case. I really need to keep letting out my thoughts and feelings here, though, that's helping me regardless! I think I kept it all in for a while, and now it's surfacing. So much to let out after 15 yrs of stbx being my 'family'. I had hopes and dreams about a forever M, that I think never had to do w. him. I think that since my expectations let me down, that is the source of my true disappointment. When I strip all of the M/romance/wedding thoughts away, stbx as a person is a damaged man w. problems that may not be good enough for me. What a sad reality check. Stbx does have good qualities, but if he was really the man for me, the man I hoped he was, and there is any chance... then he would realize it and come to me, right (with LRT)?