First off, quit apologizing for "rambling." You are doing no such thing. These are the conversations I miss with Mer and Betsey. I like reading what you have to say, and by no means has anything been a ramble. Actions, babe! That's what we decided this is all about. Yes, the words need to come first. It would only be a ramble if actions did not follow the words. And, I don't peg either of us for those kind of girls!
We are in total agreement about the depression issue. I do have a rule, however, to try not to say what I would do if in someone else's shoes. So, thank you for sharing your experiences. You have given me a new perspective to think about.
Ugh, don't waste your time looking thru my old threads! Quick recap: Married young, had first child within 1 year. Like you, moved a lot; we never had family around us. Everything we did we did on our own. And, understandably, I did not trust anyone to take care of my children. So, I would have to say that my world was centered around them and my H felt neglected.
I was what I thought was the perfect wife! There was always a nice dinner waiting for him when he came home from work. The house was decorated nicely and the kids were dressed in the latest fashions. I am not a real big spender- I pride myself on living well within my means.
First problem- I left college to marry. I had no idea how much this weighed on my XH. Truth is, I am one of those people made for school- my learning style makes it really easy for me. So, he felt guilty that I was helping him earn his degree while I did nothing about mine.
Biggest problem- about 7-8 years into our marriage he cheated on me. Not a one-night stand, but a full blown relationship. It came out later that he did not feel apprecitated or liked by me. Looking back, I can understand this. I am not one of those warm and fuzzy people- (except for with my children), and I WAS extremely sarcastic. Plus, I was wrapped up in my little world with the kids. No, I am not making excuses for him. It was wrong, plain and simple. He should have spoken to me. He says he tried, but that I always had excuses for things or turned it into a shouting match. (true, true)
Anyway, the worst was yet to come. In my head, we were married for life, so I continuously rubbed that affair in his face. I did not work towards understanding or forgiveness- instead I used it each time I felt I could work it to my advantage. At the same time, my self esteem was not what I portrayed. I think that I simply sucked the life out of the guy. I was needy, but bitchy all at the same time. If he had a complaint about me, well, I held all the cards..."YOU had an affair," I would say. I had no interest in changing. Why should I? Essentially I felt he was a hostage.
As you can imagine, things got worse. He absorbed himself in his own activities (stayed away from other women), and I guess I didn't really even notice. All I wanted was to hear that I was pretty or smart or whatever, and that he was faithful. Of course, that stuff stopped being said. How could he even see me in that way? I can't blame him. I wanted respect and love without ever earning it.
Fast forward...of course someone popped into my life who began saying all those things that I wanted to hear. I began a short relationship that XH found out about. He immediately asked for a divorce. I know, I know..how could I do such a thing after experiencing it myself? I studpidly told myself that it was ok because i did not love this person, I only loved my H. And, since I made that clear to the OP, well, I guess I figured it wasn't that bad...
After that, we went back and forth until H moved out. He said that he needed to in order to save us. I don't really think that he ever really tried, though. We did a short lived stint with counseling, but the C caught onto his depression (bad, bad childhood) and said that she needed to work with him before she could work with US. I know now that it was a mistake to listen to that. I stopped going, and he later turned that around and said that I thought that I had no problems and it was HE who needed to be fixed. I really did want us to begin to work together eventually, but the C had lots of health issues and ended up taking a leave of absense. So, there went that.
Like I said, that is it in a nutshell. I take full responsibility for my part in all of this. And, I have changed a lot of things. For ME, mind you. I guess that was part of finally going back to school. I did it for me. I needed to like and respect myself, and performing so well in school helped that along. I used to be a big flirt--- I needed that kind of attention-- but for the first time I finally realized I needed earned attention, FROM MY H. In the past, the words were empty because I knew I didn't earn them. Does that make sense?
Add to all of this that I am a talker and he is sooooooo very quiet and introspective. I think fast and the words are out of my mouth before I have fully thought them through. He, on the other hand, will think about things for days...usually then deciding on a course of action (or inaction) without ever articulating any of the process that got him there. That is hard for me.
We are tryihg hard to learn to communicate, but we both have these huge walls up. He says that if he never gets close to me I can never hurt him again. As for me, since I regarded him as the most honest person I knew...well, finding out he was capable of lying like he was has made me question things much more than I am comfortable with. I don't want to worry about where he is, who he is with. There would have to be full disclosure on his part if this could ever work. You can probably recall that I questioned that in our "Is it doable" game. He said that he can be totally honest with me. Unfortunately, there are things that make me not completely buy into this.
OK, I won't take up more of your thread. Sorry I did so to this extent. I just wanted you to have the background as we continue our talks.
Oh, and as for the snow shoveling. IT SUCKS! I am about to go back out. Yes, I understand his need to be "the man," and I don't want to take that away from him. I think that since all I hear about is how tired he is, how busy he is, etc., well, I just don't want to deal with it. And, truth be told, he can be unreliable. So, just when I start to allow myself to depend on him, well, I can end up screwed. So, it is best if I do things myself. But, I do need to think about what you said. If I am honest, I know that my wall is way up because of what I perceive as a slight from him regarding something else. So, I have thrown myself back into "Super Woman" mode. I know I am wrong for putting 2 totally unrelated situations together. Thanks for giving me something to think about.
So, what you are saying is that chivalry is alive and well in NC? Wow. Warm weather and that, too. Sounds like heaven!
