silvagod, What an excellent posting to TOH. You have given her an excellent analogy of why he stays away.
TOH, It's not because he doesn't love you that he avoids you, but he knows that he's done some pretty ugly things and he feels guilt and shame for what he's done and is continuing to do. When they are on this emotional rollercoaster, they can't help themselves. It's all about emotions. Stop and thinkg about it for a moment, when we are upset or angry, we say and do things that we could very well regret later. Why? Emotions took over.
Right now, he's the teenager that knows he's done something wrong and he doesn't know how (mom) you are going to react. He's heard so many times before about what he's done, etc. and he feels that nothing he says or does will ever get him off that train of finger pointing.
You will need to just drop the rope and let him come to you. When he sees that you are not jerking the rope tighter and pulling him back in, that is when he'll begin to come around again.
For now, keep the focus on you and your children. If you see or speak to him, always be friendly and thank him for the things he does. I know you do this already, but please try not to get angry and frustrated w/him. Okay? It's hard, but you will learn that you can get more with honey than with vinegar when it comes to dealing with your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thank you MWG, SG, and Snodderly Reasons you give are very possible, just don't know if I believe it is the reasons for my H. It's all really a guessing game. A game that I am tiring of and really feel like I am losing.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
As my son says to me: STOP dwelling on the negatives and focus on positives. If you keep focusing heavily on the negatives then that is what you will get.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
MWG, I know what your saying is true. I really do. But what positives do I have to focus on with my H? All I see is negatives. That is all there is. Right now there is nothing good about any of this.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
well hes not filed for D has he???? I would call that a huge positive.
You have to give this time toh, not measured in minutes or days ..possibly not months.....remember we have told you many times you have sent him to square one by interfering.....well hes there and you have to leave him be to go thru the crisis.....hes in replay...mixed in with depression and booze...let OW have at him while hes in this mess of a alien.
you have nothing to loose by doing this and everything to gain...what you were trying was what we ALL tried , we thought Ouur H's were dif, ours would listen to reason....sweets they dont. You really truely have to let go of this man to ever get him back. He has to find his way back....some never do, they stay stuck in this hideous limbo that is so destructive to those around them.
take of you, and the girls. Stop coming up with reasons why you cant GAL and beat him to finish line and leave the door ajar in case the man who exits the tunnel is someone you would want to spend your life with.
Last edited by a new 2moro; 01/11/0904:09 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
And the thing is, TOH, this long NC that's going on means nothing to him. Its not short, its not long, its nothing in his eyes. That's just the way it works. In fact, if you brought it up (which you will NOT! I am worrying you are about to 'break' and contact him), he would be surprised its been so long.
Remember, he is living his life, making his choices, lost in his issues and problems. He is self focused, and not really worried about anyone else. Also, he might be avoiding you because he is tired of the confrontations, the accusations, and the emotions.
PS: I know how hard it was to notice he was gone, and he didn't say a word to you. That was heartbreaking for me.
A few suggestions:
-Get some painting done, and sell it on Ebay. Or create your own website.
-Clean out your house, sell some things (NOT husband's stuff), make a little pocket money and spend it on new bedding for your room
-Called your married girlfriends, schedule a girls night at your house. Everyone bring a snack and play games, watch a movie, scrapbooks, whatever.
-If you love kids, call your married friends, and offer a night of babysitting for them to get out.
-Your daughters. What do they love? Plan a night with them and do what THEY like (teens are more likely to hang with mom if you are offering something up that they enjoy lol)
-Start planning a garden for the spring.
None of the above cost money or will violate your probation. Pick one and do it!
In a way you all know me too well, then again, you don't...old habits really do die hard for me.
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I am worrying you are about to 'break' and contact him), he would be surprised its been so long.
too late, I already did. as soon as I seen he had left without saying a word.
that was yesterday. I told you I fell again. Today is a new day. On to NC again.
I REALLY am WORKING (not trying) to get this right. I have all the thoughts emotions there to make me STOP and leave him alone. Just have to put it into motion and stick to it...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I promise, I am not trying to beat you up about this.
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I REALLY am WORKING
You are so right, it IS work. It doesn't come naturally to withdraw from someone you love. It feels wrong, the exact opposite of what your heart wants to do. But your heart has led you over the last year (just like mine did), and it didn't work. I didn't see it til my xH was completely gone. I am trying to prevent this from happening to you.
H will not see any changes until you actually change your behavior. In your head, you have 'changed', but contacting him yesterday, H said "Same old TOH, giving me grief".
In his mind, he came, did his duty/part by pushing the snow. That was more than he did the week before, right? But, he still got flack for it, from you.
