Standing on the Edge

[native]

Thanks for checking Msm. I just got back from going out with a divorced buddy to hang downtown, get out and see whats happening. Same old town, same tired and not very attractive people.

Yes, live and learn. I feel I've grown more in the last 8 mos. than in 7 yrs of marriage.

At this point W is not actively accusing. Her $$$ situation cannot be blamed on me. She is in the negative on her bank account until the 2nd of Feb.

I hope I can make all my obligations.

Due to w's two rapes one year before our marriage, just getting an affectionate response was difficult, even to non-sexual cuddling, etc.

It was hard to 'romance' someone who was shutting down due to rape trauma and who withdrew out of fear, and communicated poorly about what she needed.

Much less, never seemed to be interested in what I needed.

But to be fair, she was wounded from the rapes and really couldnt be concerned about what I needed.

I just didnt really understand how profoundly she had been hurt, neither did I understand how she liked to be approached, so I eventually gave up, especially after she said she never wanted to ML w me again.

Apparantly she had been accomodating me against her wishes upon the advice of her counselor.

To me, the necessary communication seems like it would have been a lot easier than it was in reality for her.
But it really never happened.

Have you ever asked her to go to MC?

In a very odd way, she asked me. She asked me if I would like to go see our counselor. At the time, I thought she was the one with the problems and did not understand what she was saying.

She certainly did not seem to be asking me to go with her.

I asked after the bomb. It was clear that her counselor had not helped her or us. We needed a clearer voice and better advice. But by that time her heart wasn't in it.

I don't think her heart was ever into her changing however. Even with her depression and rape trauma.