STEPPING out...

[cagzmom]

Hey Pam .. First and foremost I must say.. SNOW STINKS!! tee hee...I do NOT miss it not one bit!!

Ok Ok onto my latest apithany (cant spell it). Ok. SO.....

I had this talk with myself today... (i do that often ha!!) Through this my sister (and so other real friends) will be REAL REAL straight with me when I have asked so many of the "why" questions.. So listen to what my mind did..
Now remember I just saw x last night to pick up d12. Seeing him triggers teh questions because he acts so normal, so comfortable.. so here goes the mind.. "why can he be so at ease? if we get along so well what is the problem, where did it fall - why doesn't he want to be here.." then the shift... "You know why Cagzmom, he doesn't want to be married. Sure he wants to feel good, he wants benefits of relationship...but he does NOT want to do what it takes nor what you deserve."

then I asked myself the true question...You see I can get along with him, I can joke with him and all that. And that is what is NOT good for me..that is when I start the "Why and the What if's"... So I asked me...Cagzmom if you asked him to go out ot dinner - or to stop over for whatever what is it that you really want from him.... My HONEST true answer? To be my husband, the father to my children and a participant in a family he helped create.... Then I realized...he can't do that because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be put in a "box" where he isn't free to run - where he isn't free to make selfish descions and choices. He WANTS to be all about himself....and by being single it is the ONLY way he can get all that he wants.. and that is anything that X wants for himself.

My x was ALWAYS selfcentered ALWAYS. AND that has NOT changed... The WORST fights/arguments that we had were always because he woudln't budge or do something for anyone that didn't affect him in some way. Oh he would tell you different...and yes he did do many wonderful family things..but see it was because it was stuff HE WANTED TO DO. Right now he is all about HIMSELF...

The words Pam - they really do mean nothing. Wasn't it you that told me that your x had been a master manipulator? (my x's own words for himself). WORDS come easy, especially for someone that has learned how to use them. ACTIONS are the things that catch us by surprise.. the things where words weren't used and low and behold TA DAH!! YOU DESERVE ACTION enough of the back and forth.

Where do YOU want to be in a year?!! I know where I Want to be....of course I would love for x and I to be "dating" and working our way back...that would be a dancing moment. But it is time for me to do what is best for me....waiting for him to wakeup is NOT good for my heart.

Do I miss him? OF COURSE!
Do I love him? Always.
Does God desire reconciliation - always.

The kicker... I am only in control of Cagzmom. Cagzmom is going to keep goign to counseling to heal the broken little girl that got married 20+ years ago. Cagzmom is going to keep going with God. Cagzmom is going to forgive.

I hope you are well..and wow this was really long