Sooner, Let me start off by saying sorry about Thursday. Better luck next year.
Took a couple of days off posting. I have been trying to sort some things out in my head. On Tuesday I met up with a staff member from church for a talk over coffee. The pastor recommended I contact him after hearing about my troubles. I sat down with the pastor one day after church just to ask him to pray for us and to say a special prayer to keep my wife safe. He mentioned that this person went through something very similar and I should sit down and talk. As you know I am up for anything at this point. He was very helpful and mostly listened to what I had to say and gave advice based on his past experience. Unfortunately for him his past marriage ended in divorce but there was some things that he could have done but didn't realize until too late. He stood for his marriage until she filed and had him sign. He has since moved on but I can tell he really wanted to make it work and is maybe disappointed in the outcome. I could still see some of the pain. Our one hour long meeting turned into 2+ hours. I felt kind of bad but he was very happy he could sit down and talk it out and maybe help. He says that helping people talk about it and maybe even suggesting helpful tips has helped him accept the pain he once went through. Our situations seemed very similar. In fact his wife was on the same anti-depressant my wife is on and he agreed that it caused more problems than the solution. He said that his sister in law is always on some sort of heavy dosage of med (reason unkown to me, didn't ask) and she couldn't even take it. I told him about my wife saying that i did not accept her for who she was. One thing that really stuck with me is that he asked if I accepted my wife for who she is right NOW, even if the new her is who she really is, even with everything she has done to hurt me that I know of and expecting maybe there is some I don't. That has been something I struggled with all week, I have thought long and hard and really dug down deep. Sometimes I feel that she is so different from who she once was. The conclusion that I have came to is YES. I do accept her, right now, always. I accept all of her, her faults, her strength, her weakness, her goofyness, her flaws, her soul..every part...every fiber...physically, emotionally and spiritually. It hurts that I had to think about it but so much has happened that I had to question who she really was/is. Deep down I know this girl better than anyone. I am also struggling with the fact of getting another wedding band. As previously posted I lost mine. I am not sure if she would take it as me being commited or if she would think that I need to be commited (mentally crazy). I am not even sure when I will see her. I want to get one to show how commited I am but also because I want to continue to wear it for myself as a reminder of my commitment and what I am fighting for. After all this time I still feel weird without it. I fear that it will upset her but I am not sure. Any thoughts/advice? I also had my second Divorce Busing coach session on Thursday. My coach seems excited and said that some of what I thought were bad things in our conversations could be looked at in a different way. She is excited and thinks that this thing is recoverable. Both her and Andy (guy from church) suggested I ask my wife on a date. She will probably say no but I should do it anyway. Then give it a week and ask again but be prepared to take many "bullets" and even harsh rejection. Not a romantic date but just to go out and be friendly. I am struggling with this and will continue to pray about it. I can't believe how afraid I am to ask my wife on a date.
I continue to pray and try to work on me. Reading alot, hitting the gym and catch up some things at work. I am also fasting. I am not drinking Pepsi. I know that might sound like not a big deal but anyone that knows me will tell you that the stuff probably runs through my veins. It is taking disapline but it is giving up something that I like and need(?) on a daily basis. Water is better anyway especially now that I am working out more.
More to come....gotta go for now.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
