Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Hey all. Well, H saw me on messenger yesterday and asked me to dinner and a movie last night-and I went. No worries- nothing happened. We did hold hands. At dinner he told me he was kept checking messenger to see if I was on after our big blow out on the 1st. He said if he saw me he was going to say "hi" and see how I was doing. (It's news to me to find out that he was essentially seeking me out.) I said "if you wanted to talk, why didn't you just call?" He said he didn't know and said again how he kept 'looking' for me. I said "Yeah, well-"Shun on"." (If you have seen The Office where Dwight 'shuns' Andy, you'll get the reference.) He sort of looked at me funny- like 'you would shun me??'

Saw Slumdog Millionare. That's a good movie. Got a little long in a couple spots, but I liked it.

After the movie, drove him back to his house, dropped him off. No big deal.

So, first let me address this:

When did "Game over" become "feet to the fire" though? And why?

They are actually the same thing, to a degree. (I acknowledge I was not successful in carrying thru with the Game Over/Feet to the Fire plan.) The 'Feet to the Fire' is an extension of Game Over. I have to hold his feet to the fire and make sure he actually brings something to the table for ME, instead of the old 'game' of living with the status quo of him cake eating.

What are you afraid of? What do you think is keeping you from following DB right now?

First-let me preface this with this is how I feel at my weakest moments. I don't always feel this way, but I must feel it often enough to keep me stuck. I know that since he already has survived one divorce, that he doesn't get stuck "crying in his beer" so to speak. His mindset is sort of "yeah, it sucks to lose that person, but I'm not going to get all depressed over it." So, I'm afraid if I walk away completely, he will forget about me and say "well, I didn't really want to lose her, but I'm not going to get too bummed out. I guess I'll just find someone else." On the face of it, I guess that's the "right" way to feel-- 'sucks to lose someone, but oh well...next!' but I have a hard time embracing that philosophy. I think that philosophy makes it easy for people to walk away from their commitments and to treat people as replaceable objects. I don't know. I am not articulating it very well--it's more of a feeling. I feel a little vulnerable even trying to explain it here because of how weak it looks. I keep re-reading what I have written and it looks so obvious that I should embrace that view--why do I buck it? Something seems out of focus and blurry. I am missing something. ....Maybe I don't like how cavalier the "oh well....next!" point of view is. When did people become so disposable?

H starts chantix today;quit day for smoking in a week (or less). My GF quit early because by day 3 she just didn't feel like smoking anymore. I am quite interested to see how this all plays out since it will impact RM, SS, me(potentially).... Ok, here's another "admission". When he said that the dates/flings he had were when his head was 'in a bad place', that concerns me that he is trying to get his head 'in a good place' so that he can go have "better" dates and flings. Like "Well, sure you're not easily replaceable when I am screwed up... but once I'm not screwed up, I'll find someone better." No, he didn't exactly say this, but he didn't NOT say it either.

Tonight I may go out to dinner and bowling; depends on how my showings go today and what I need to do to get ready for open house tomorrow and how tired I feel. The bowling thing will go to midnight and right now I just want to go to bed around 10. Yeah, I'm such a party animal.

I will finish this post saying that I hope that my disclosures don't make you give up on me. I don't *always* feel those ways. In fact, I often feel like I have learned to be a pretty awesome partner because of going thru this...