Not rambling thoughts...good thoughts! I have thought about getting some of mine down lately- I have started a journal that I am trying really hard to keep full of positive things. I have made notations of text messages and things like that- I think it is good for me to really study what is going on. I am one of those people who can be terribly mad at someone but with one good interaction..poof..all better. I don't learn a lot of lessons that way!
I understand the games your mind wants to play. I am sure that is why I have such a tough time. Example- as I told you, I went on a "date" last weekend with X. It was actually very fun, and ended with some hot car smooching that went on for what seemed like ages. Since then, I saw him 2 more times during the week. I have also been on the receiving end of many texts-- (ex) late Thursday night: Goodnight, baby, and then a morning greeting first thing on Friday. Sounds nice, right?
Well.....then lets take into account that he called here last night to pick something up out of the garage. He said that he didn't have time to stop, he was running late, but didn't want to scare me. Sure enough, 10 minutes later I heard the garage door open. He took his items and took off.
Now really, who doesn't have a minute to open the door and yell hello? Not necessarily to me, but one of the kids was at home. I could never begin to imagine being in that close proximity to one of my children and not saying hello and grabbing a hug. And, when I see that it is ok with him it really lessens his appeal to me.
So far haven't heard a thing from him. So, then I sit here and wonder why the date, why the texts? And, worst of all, I get mad at myself for wondering or caring at all.
I guess that was a long way of saying, yes, darkness stops the mindgames and helps the heart to heal.
I don't want to keep feeling like this. The worst part is that I constantly doubt myself. As in, "what did I do wrong this time?" That is no way to live, is it Julie? I like your way- slowly finding yourself again. It is something that I need to do more of, and I need to keep using the short leash my X keeps me on as an excuse.
Actions, not words are what is needed in my sitch. I am tired of the words. Really, really tired.
Well, better get outta my pj's! Yeah, it's after 1 and here I am still drinking coffee. Lots of snow happened/is happening, and it is a good day to be lazy. I hate snow!!!!!!!!!!
