1. She still controls my emoitions, not as much but obviously enough for me to know know I am not yet full dettached.
2. No she is not the enemy, when I get like that, I am my own worst enemy.
3. My kids do not understand why I hold onto my belief, they stan beside me, and think I am crazy for having Faith in something they cannot see.
4. Yes, my Faith is very good, very good and very solid, Slerpt very well last night. re-read your responses to me quite a few times....I was hurt and ventign and tyes there was some BS in my post.
5. Name calling is just me venting, didn't mean and asked Him to forgive me for sounding out like that.
6. If I didn't believe that I could save this marriage, i wouldn't be here.
7. No, this isn't looking like detaching, not in the slightest. My walk is about detaching, I have learned now that when I get this way, take my drive or go for a walk to "continue my WALK".
8. Yes, I really hoped this would cave her in. Huge expectation. I didn't call her to offer the "nice" guy help, I called to see if she was crashing, that was my expectation. I realize she didn't open her mail or read all of my norte because she knew it was all bad news and in her world, she doesn't deal with it. I cannot control that. Her crash is coming, I have to stop waiting or trying to be the catalyst. I have "walked " away.
I want her back. this not being able to see her face is bothering me, really bothering me. I had dreams a couple of months back about her, in all the dreams, I never see her face. I can't analyze it now because the dreamas were too far back. But I am now concerned about their meaning.
I missed church this morning and I will tomorrow because of this trip. I actually feel real bad about it. But I am holding onto your words about what "church " is and I feel better.
He has me by thehand now, the walk now doesn't seem to have any thorns that I can see. Starting to see the top of the rise in my mind. Its clearer up there and the sun is rising. the images are very clear and I don't yet understand them, but I think i will and soon.
My friend who I confide this stuff in was very concerned for me yesterday as you all were. He told me the same thing you all basically said, take a deep breath, remember who you are, what you have accomplished and feel good about yourself. She will come around someday, but not on your terms, she has to do it. Keep telling yourself that and you will be fine.
I feel verygood today. My road trip will definitely make me feel better. The walk is at full speed. Mantra, "It's all her's right now, you can't control, you can't counsel, and you can't watch. He will take care of that. Go for your walk and be happy when you can, every chance you get."
Thanks for not listening to that stuff yesterday. I was hurt because of my expectation, no other reason, I did it to myself, she had nothing to do with it.
