Cat, you are right, of course. It was more about me, though. Coming to the realization of what codependency does. I was lamenting what I did, let's say differently, than what so many others recommended as giving the best chances to reconcile. But I could not have done it differently, as the person who I was.
It is painful to change at such a deep level, even when the changes are for good. I am not healed completely, and I have not stopped changing (hope that I always continue to grow, actually). But I am becoming whole on my own.
I can say that I will never love another man as I love (loved?) him. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It will just be different. Maybe in the future, I will come to see it as the healthier stance (a nod to OT). Right now, because I only know one way, I am sad to see it go, to let it go, and know that it won't be that way again. It was comfortable, and I was happy. I miss that love in my life. I thought I was receiving the same as I was giving (unconditional love), and that wasn't the case in the end at all.
We will see what comes into my life in the future. I will try to not label it better or worse until I live it.
Now, I'm going off to my women's spirituality group to talk about Rahab-the-Harlot. Should be interesting
