Not much to report on in the ITH household. There have been no major steps forward lately, but H has been acting happier in life in general, which makes me happier. Today he said that hanging around the house with no deadlines and responsibilities made him really happy. There were months where I didn't hear him use the word "happy" except in the context of me not making him happy and other typical WAS statements. So now he says things make him happy on a semi-frequent basis.
I have been getting back into the swing of things at work again, and am doing my best to try and become a high-performer. This would help my emotional state as well as our finances (we're rewarded with performance-based bonuses at work). I have found an untapped niche at work, so I think that if I do well there is a lot of potential to not only be rewarded financially, but also to transfer to another location in the future. I would love to do this with H and have it be one possible ticket back to the US. However, given the fact that we have moved country twice for me, this time I would be very sure to follow H's lead. It is worth giving up my job for my marriage, and I would do so with no regrets.
Other than this, I'm still trying to figure out how to have the easiest interaction possible with MIL next week. I really don't wish to be backed into a situation where I need to say something about the M. While I will do my best ninja moves, I will be unable to avoid direct questions, and I know her well enough to know that she will ask them. So number one on my list of ideas right now is to have her come over to BF's house for dinner. This way she will probably still ask about H in general terms, but not specific questions about the M.
I'm excited about going to the US and having a bit more freedom. I don't mean from the M, I mean in terms of having a car, and the ability to drive somewhere to go jogging, grocery shopping etc. I miss a lot of the things I used to take for granted.
There is still increased physical affection between H and me, though it's not at pre-bomb levels yet. I initiate affection many times now, but this seems positive for once. H initiates at times as well, and this is a major improvement. I am now quite sure that H's primary LL is words of affirmation, and that my failure to pick up on this was one of the major reasons for the M breakdown. He used to frequently ask questions like what I loved most about him etc., and I always made jokes instead of really giving him heartfelt responses. He probably didn't feel like I really loved him. Now I am regularly complimenting him, every chance I get. I am being sincere, and this usually goes over pretty well. I think my LLs are quality time and gifts. So I always tried to get H to do things with me, and he saw this as pressure, while I saw it as trying to make the marriage healthy. I got him gifts all of the time too, and he rarely got anything for me, and didn't seem as taken by some of my gifts as I always thought he should have been. It all makes perfect sense now, having been listening to the Love Language audio book. I guess we're not yet at the place where I can start asking for what I want, but the fact that we have trips coming up means that there will be quality time, so this works well. I also think we're very close to the point where H will really care about what I want. There have been a couple of occasions where he has said that if something makes me happy we should do it. I am being extremely cautious there though, as one of the big things he said at the bomb was that he was doing everything to make me happy, and nothing to make himself happy. So if he is doing something because I want to, I always ask him if it is something that he is interested in doing too, or whether it will make him unhappy or stressed. There is plenty of time later to compromise and bend for each other. My primary goal now remains recommitment. Of course another ILY would be great too!
OK thanks for reading my novel. I will post later if there are any interesting updates.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
