ok how can I respond to theese posts without the typcial pessimistic got an answer for everything LL tone??? suppose I'll just state the facts and see how it goes from there.
jethro...
I could accept the dear in the headlights bit if h's time spent with ow AFTER my finding out about her was just a prolonged goodbye...but it wasn't...he continued to see her 3x a week and lied to me about it...and THEN moved out for over six months all the while stating he wasn't comming back..that he had feelings for this woman before we even married...that he never felt that way with me (and yes I do believe him) bla bla bla and a whole lot of other crap. he continued to speak to her even after he started to come home...I'm not sure he even has stopped talking to her..point is it really doesn't matter.
Quote:
so...ll...what is h trying to communicate to you by bringing this up? did you ask what his concern was? is he feeling as though YOU may be still not IN the m?
h knows that I am not fully here...I've stated it to him many different times...his response is it's fine...I can let that wall down little by little and take as long as I need....gee that's comforting.
what does his statement show me? it's typical of him...he uses such places, people etc...to assume that what I say and feel is a result of someone else's thoughts...his thinking is that this place invades my thoughts...much to the contrar' if not for this place..I would not have taken him back.
Quote: ah, LL, what if this football season you were his biggest cheerleader? Does he spend more than a few hours a week at it?
he will be on line...on phone with buddie....going to the games....and more likely than not going to buddies house to watch the games...or expecting me to keep the kids out of his way so he can watch them.
Quote: I know my h has planned his entire sunday around the game ... I think I'm getting him and his friend takeout from someplace! Hey, I'm gonna have one happy h after the game, though
been there done that...who knows h may not even plan on being home to watch the game...so what will I have after the game??? one tired h.
Hey LL, I still think about you a lot. I've been doing pretty good lately. I've accepted the fact that it's finally over, and have been preparing the house for sale, and throwing out all of her crap. Just having one of those days, been looking at her pictures, our wedding picture, pictures of the kids and us together, and still trying to understand what happened! Mediation is going sloooooooow, and no resolve yet. The last two times here, she has brought her BF, and hasn't made me move out of the house, but S19 and I want to get out of there so bad, we are looking for a place to rent until the shop sells too, and then we plan to leave this hell hole! Again, just having one of those days, sorry, I'll be OK tomorrow
Quoting TonyP: Hey LL, I still think about you a lot. I've been doing pretty good lately. I've accepted the fact that it's finally over, and have been preparing the house for sale, and throwing out all of her crap. Just having one of those days, been looking at her pictures, our wedding picture, pictures of the kids and us together, and still trying to understand what happened! Mediation is going sloooooooow, and no resolve yet. The last two times here, she has brought her BF, and hasn't made me move out of the house, but S19 and I want to get out of there so bad, we are looking for a place to rent until the shop sells too, and then we plan to leave this hell hole! Again, just having one of those days, sorry, I'll be OK tomorrow
sorry to hear that stbx is being so inconsiderate bringing her bf home on visits..are you staying at the house while he's there with her? by "getting out of this hell hole" do you mean you plan to leave the island? (it is an island right?)
I'm sure that when all is said and done you will be just fine...and w will be the one left saying wtf?
Quote: I could accept the dear in the headlights bit if h's time spent with ow AFTER my finding out about her was just a prolonged goodbye...but it wasn't...he continued to see her 3x a week and lied to me about it...and THEN moved out for over six months all the while stating he wasn't comming back..that he had feelings for this woman before we even married...that he never felt that way with me (and yes I do believe him) bla bla bla and a whole lot of other crap. he continued to speak to her even after he started to come home...I'm not sure he even has stopped talking to her..point is it really doesn't matter.
LL, my point was simply to say that we know it's a process. Our Ses have to work through this cr@p in their own time...and we have NO control over this timeline. The only thing, as DBers, we can do is "get a life," and in that, make ourselves attractive to our Ses again. This you know.
However, in many situations, when our Ses are doing something sneaky behind our backs and we find out, we find out "prematurely"...before they've really had an opportunity to work through their junk. Heck, I firmly believe this is the deal with KAW, it happened with SB, I think (if I remember correctly) it happened with Sage, and I also think this is what happened with your H. For me, I found out after a year of my W's PA/EA, so the "novelty" had already run its course.
Quote: his thinking is that this place invades my thoughts
Ahh...insecurity. It's the same with SB's H. He fears he's being trash-talked, which might hurt the recovery of the M. My W too was concerned about what people were telling me on the BB. I was honest and specific about some of the information that people were telling me, and she was relieved that you folks were telling me to stick with it.
Quote: LL, my point was simply to say that we know it's a process. Our Ses have to work through this cr@p in their own time...and we have NO control over this timeline. The only thing, as DBers, we can do is "get a life," and in that, make ourselves attractive to our Ses again. This you know.
jethro,
I'm doing my best to "get a life" thing is somehow my life does depend somewhat on h as we do have young children...for example tonight I have a meeting with my ambulance co...my getting there on time depends on if h can get himself home on time for me to leave...should it be that way? I can't even get a part time job without getting a sitter cause h just can't or rather wont make the consession to be home at a certain time for me to do so..heck just to take a class two nights a week I had to have my mom or someone else come babysit so I could leave on time...and yet he doesn't even have to let me know what his plans or intentions are for any given day or night..he just says so and goes..the kids seem to be MY responsibility..it wasn't that way during seperation..then he was here garunteed each tues and thurs by 5pm and sunday by 10am and I was free to do as I pleased.
I know that I have no control over his timeline...just as he has no control over mine...it would be nice though to have some clue as to what's going on in his mind. for example I know that he's into another round of fertalizing...which will mean he will have to go to her house...will he tell me? nope...might she be there? might it be awkward for him...might he find out if she's still selling her home? ding her h? will he tell me anything..even if he goes and she's not there? NOPE! would I like for him to! YES!
Quote: However, in many situations, when our Ses are doing something sneaky behind our backs and we find out, we find out "prematurely"...before they've really had an opportunity to work through their junk. Heck, I firmly believe this is the deal with KAW, it happened with SB, I think (if I remember correctly) it happened with Sage, and I also think this is what happened with your H. For me, I found out after a year of my W's PA/EA, so the "novelty" had already run its course.
took him a long time to admit the truth...infact the truth wasn't told by him until he was almost comming home...when ow was first disclosed it was because he was seen taking her to an appointment (cancer treatment) he called and tried to pass it off as aquantance with customer, then friend, bla bla bla...I asked that he end the friendship and drop her as customer..he did not for a month or more...then supposedly did...then moved out...his relationship with her had been going on for over a year before I found out about it...continued for the several months thereafter and then he left for over six months and upon his return still spoke to her...she is still a customer...(ya and I'm supposed to believe it was just an ea?????)shouldn't he have worked through his junk by now??? how does all this make me feel? duped, like a dumb little girl, foolish, blind, gullable, naive, weak, and a whole slew of other not nice things.
Quote: Ahh...insecurity. It's the same with SB's H. He fears he's being trash-talked, which might hurt the recovery of the M. My W too was concerned about what people were telling me on the BB. I was honest and specific about some of the information that people were telling me, and she was relieved that you folks were telling me to stick with it.
isn't it funny that my h would be insecure???? I don't think of it as insecurity cause he'll even use books against me "oh where did you read that" as if I have no mind of my own...it really pisses me off...especially if what I say comes from me and has no connection to any book or person.
Quote: I'm doing my best to "get a life" thing is somehow my life does depend somewhat on h as we do have young children...for example tonight I have a meeting with my ambulance co...my getting there on time depends on if h can get himself home on time for me to leave...should it be that way?
Hmmm...I hope you didn't misconstrue my post, as I really wasn't implying that you were not "getting a life." I was simply prefacing my later statement. Sorry...
Quote: would be nice though to have some clue as to what's going on in his mind.
ya and I'm supposed to believe it was just an ea?????
You know, I have two thoughts on this (total speculation): 1) Either he only did have an EA, and thus, he doesn't feel like he really did anything wrong (as we know with men it's the physical part). Even my W has downplayed EAs...much to my disagreement. So, he likely doesn't feel like he has to atone for very much here... 2) He did have a PA and feels so guilty about it that he doesn't want to talk about it, can't deal with it, afraid it will set the two of you back, and is afraid that you would D him as a result. Given your "fiery attitude," could he have the impression that you'd D him if it was physical?
Quote: "oh where did you read that"
Yes, it's still insecurity. I would say that he likely interprets what you're saying as a judgement...and thus, feels like he needs to defend himself or "prove" you wrong.
