Now She is Questioning!

[Jeff3]

Guys,

Guess I got locked! In reply to the posts on my last thread:

Thanks, I have no intentions of dating, she was the one who wanted me to. I admit the thought was tempting because of the loneliness, but I am committed to saving my marriage.

Now with that out of the way, another crazy thing happened today, I had a DB coach session, which was helpful, and when I was done I got a text from my wife replying to a text that I had sent about our dog walker. Anyway I was blown away, when the text read hey do you want to go Skiing Sunday?.....WTF then got another text saying do you want to go to the gym tonight?

We went to the gym and worked out together it was fun! When we came back I gave her some space because I don't want to overwhelm her. I got ready for bed then we started talking and she was openly admitting she unsure about stuff ( should I stay or should I go) and then went on to talk about what we should do with the house as far as renovations and decorating.

We also talked about the schedule for our dog walker. {We didn't need one a whole lot before because I work shifts. She was going to stay in the house and works all day so she hired her under those circumstances}. Anyway she said she was going to have to talk to the dog walker because at the time she wanted a Separation and now she doesn't know. I guess I am wearing off on her a bit.

It was a nice night, I was confident and relaxed. She is becoming positive more and more, with of course the roller coaster as well. She was talking to her mother on the phone telling her about a trip she wanted to take to clear her head, and her mom said you and Jeff should go together. She told her mom that she wasn't ready for that. My wife (after she hung up) told me about the conversation I said you don't need that kind of pressure, we were laughing and kidding about the conversation.

So once again I get surprised, funny thing is I was praying about it all day and God answered with a text message (via my Wife LOL)

See what tomorrow brings

Jeff

[Jeff3]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1690612

[fisherman]

Hey Jeff,

This sounds good. Your doing great by just keeping it casual and pressure free. Hang in there, and remember the dance. Try your best to be consistent, keeping the expectations in check.

Glad to hear this.

[Mach1]

[ Ummmm, ok newbies, try not to get offended here.

I am looking at the start dates on the situations of those of you who are asking about dating, and only one thing comes to my mind here.

WTF??????

You guys have been at this not even a full year. Your WAS are obviously confused and lost right? It does not give anyone the justification for finding someone else or dating. You still have an obligation, not to your spouse, to yourself to maintain the commitment that you made and not make the same poor judgment that your spouse did that has led you here and devistated your life.

Let me throw this out there. Let's say you did go "date", and let's say 6 months from now your spouse comes out of their fog and it truly was MLC,how exactly are you gonna justify that you gave up on them and strayed?

You come here to try and save your marriage, if that is what you wish to do then stand for it until such time that you don't have to ask yourself if it's the right thing to do or not. Simple as that.


Ian ]



I think this post should be renewed from that last page of Jeff's last thread. I think it shouldn't be lost on the last page of an old thread........


M1

[Jeff3]

Its always good to keep that in the fore front when we get tempted

[Jeff3]

With all the hard work and stress, it would be a waste to throw it all away now, for sure.

[Jeff3]

Thanks T,

I just have to suppress the stressed out feeling when she does something weird, (no expectations). I am hopeful though because over the past month there has been alot of change and questioning. I just have to be more sensitive to the fact that when she initiates contact and conversation, I have to back off after, in order not to overwhelm her.

Reading and understanding more about ADAD has helped a great deal because I now kind of see why she reacts the way she does. This could definitely contribute to the MLC because her mind gets confused and has been dealing with a lot of negative stuff all her life.

Even if she changes her mind about skiing on Sunday I can't appear hurt. She declined on my invite for the cooking lesson, so I signed myself up, should be fun.

One thing my DB coach said to me about OM was that "who is doing the pursuing now?" answer OM. I never thought about it like that but she is right because my wife has been trying to break it off for a month but situations like the other night when she went of drink with him tend to make sense now. She went thinking they could be friends but I am sure he had other things in mind and she came home early.

I guess I have the advantage now because he doesn't know about DB'ing stuff and will keep pursuing (hopfully) which will push her away, as long as I make her feel safe and give her no pressure. One response was suggested to me by DB coach about when she asked how I felt about the fact that her firndship with OM crossed the line:

something like this: You're and adult and you make your own decisions. The relationship is your business, it's not my decision. I am not without responsibility and am in no position to point fingers.

You get the jist anyway but I guess the way I handled it is working so far based on the results. Just avoid getting into a deep conversation about it and move on so they know the door is open.

Rambling again but am learning alot!

Peace Out,

Jeff

[Jeff3]

Had a day off today so I thought that I would clean the house She got home and was impressed. I asked her how her day was, and went about my business. She came down stairs looking a little sheepish and asked me what I was doing tonight I said, hadn't thought about it, just going to the gym. She told me about her plans to go out with the girls I replied great have fun. I want her to have fun with her girl friends.

She said she would be running around tomorrow, I expected her to be busy because of last night I am sure she doesn't want to get over whelmed again so hanging out with her friends should be a good thing. I just have to not worry about were she is going.

the reason why she was sheepish is because she bought some new ski boots even though she has racked up her visa. She told me that she was cutting her card up. She has some scars on her leg that are painful with rental boots so she needed ones that fit well. Instead of yelling at her for buying them (as in the past), I said hey they I am glad you got boots that don't hurt your scar, that's important. She seemed to respond well, I am glad she acknowledged on her own that she needed to cut up her credit cards.

She thanked me for not yelling at her about the boots, and left for the evening. We are still going skiing on Sunday!

My other issue is that I don't want to seem boring by not going out with friends but I felt like just vegging tonight after along week at work. I am going out tomorrow night,and will be going away to my parents for a couple of days after we ski so that she give her some time apart not to get over whelmed.

Anyway can't rush or get greedy about spending time with her, but these are some good steps. She was in a good mood today after our talk and spending time together last night. This is good because before she would be distant and cranky after wards.

[glamgirl]

Jeff I am impressed. You are handling yourself very well. Cleaning the house, no guilting your w for overspending. See you even got a thank you.

You have got to be smiling on the inside. Now the test is can you keep it going?

[Jeff3]

Hey GG

Ya I am smiling on the inside but, am trying not to have any expectations. I am prepared for some more rough stuff, but there have been some pretty good days recently. I will just keep the pressure off and be a good roommate and friend. Tomorrow activity is cleaning the garage (Yikes) but it needed to be done anyway. I am now asking her opinion about stuff I am fixing around the house and she is giving it. Before she would just get mad because she was moving out.

Before we went to bed tonight she told me she like the gifts I got her at Christmas.

We shall see how tomorrow goes I won't see much of her if at all, but that could be a good thing as it gives her space.

Just hope she doesn't see OM BUT I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT!!

All in all seeing some good results, I will keep on truckin

Cheers Jeff