For the Guy with Kids and a WW 23

[hopeful4her]

I don't know, Pup.

I love this woman. I miss the hell out of her. I hate what she has done. When I see her in person, it just freakin' hurts, not to be able to show her or say what I feel for her. To have to put a front to her about how strong I am. How better off I am. How upbeat I am. Thats part of why I might come across as jokey with her in person. I'm trying to be upbeat. Showing her how I'm moving forward, when deep inside, I haven't really.

For all we've been through, what she has put me and the family through, I should just absolutely hate her. I shouldn't want anything to do with her.

Am I afraid that I won't find anyone else? Someone who was as good a person that she used to be inside? The mother she used to be? The one that would not have done anything to hurt her kids. Or me. I want her back, and I know that that woman is still hiding inside of her. I could be fooling myself, but I believe she is still there somewhere.

I can remember the first time that I laid eyes on her. What she looked like, what she wore. Everything.

I do my own thing. I live my life. I spend time with B. We talk on the phone a hell of a lot. But my wife still occupies my thoughts. It won't stop. On the way to work, I look for her car. My heart just pounds when I catch sight of it. At work, I hope that she'll send an email or call me.

My emails are my way of showing her what she is missing. Because thats all I got. Through those messages, I try to give her the guy she was wanting.

I think to myself, how could I have F'ed this up so bad and at the same time, feel like it was me that let my family down. Somehow, I didn't take care of what I was supposed to. Like the song goes, "It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do".

Aside from a girl in high school that I could never get out of the 'friend zone' with, I have never really experienced rejection.

Okay, now I'm really starting to sound like a pus.

Man, do I have problems or what?