reading trustings post and it puts thought in my head.
dark works (it seems) to HEAL the heart of the LBS. In the beginning i remember wanting to be dark to make him miss me - or notice that i din' need him or whatever. NOW I see that what it does is helps the heart heal.
Whenever I see x my mind wants to play a game. It works on my heart and tries to tell it different things. NOT the truth of who he is right now-- it says "he was so wonderful. He was your best friend. He did love you...etc etc." That doesn't help healing...it keeps you stuck.
Being stuck is different than standing. Standing means beleiving and staying open to the return. I do believe - and I am still standing. BUT no longer am I letting myself stay stuck. I AM GROWING. I AM HEALING. I like who I am becoming and that is a first!!
All my life I have struggled with insecurity. Through my marriage i battled it. Battled "Who am i" and all those wonderful growing painful thougths. WHENEVER I would find myself - grow and LIKE what was going on in MY portion of OUR marriage he would MOVE me. THEN I would have to recreate me again.... (we moved like 20 times in 20 years...in the last 10 I would say we moved maybe 5 times that really affected my life..)
So now I have been in counseling for 2 years. I know what I like to eat, I know who I am a little better, I am learning to laugh again, I am stronger, I can drive places and get lost and find my way out WITHOUT X. I LIKE becoming an independent person...I like not hurting anymore.
Do I still dream of restoration of course. BUT it doesnt' define me anymore. This great devotional I am reading brought up something that i had forgotten... God has a plan for me (i got that one) but here is the best part HE DOESNT NEED MY HELP to MANIPULATION/CONTROL OR FIGURE OUT how or what He is going to do. He truly has it handled!!
My job is to keep Him #1 totally. #1 as my Provider, Friend, Confidant...all of it. XH is not suppose to consume the parts of my life WHERE GOD should be first.
Sorry to ramble.....just lots of thoughts...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
