in a galaxy far, far away...

[Silent Chrleader]

((((((((((BM))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know the pain and fear is almost all consuming! Please know that what you are feeling is normal because you are a warm caring woman who did not give her heart lightly. The pain you are feeling is what makes you such a remarkable woman! (Even though it sucks right now!)

It will get easier though. Really! I don't know how you've had the strength to stand the coldness and living in the same house for as long as you have! I think that you will look back on this and see that this will ultimately be the best thing that ever happened to you! This is the way you will learn that you really are going to be OK.

Concentrate on you and your son! Make it a point to do some fun things together, just you and him. If your H is the man you think he is (and I'm betting he is, because "duty" doesn't last 30 years, no matter what they say!) then he will figure himself out! He too is hurting and confused right now and thinks that what he is doing is the right thing for his own happiness! Being in the same house, you have been the easy target for his discontent. But he will come to see that it's not you, it's inside him. It will be a long difficult journey for him, but it's his to take, and now it's your turn to take care of you.

If you check my thread, you will see that I came to a little epiphany yesterday. I realized that what was causing me so much pain was the idea that I would not grow old with my H as I had thought. I was not mourning the loss of the relationship, because that is not really lost. It's a fact. It happened and it was real for me and nothing can ever take that away! No matter what happens from now on, that love we built over our years together remains pure and unsullied and woven into the fabric of our lives and who we are.

I don't know why this meant so much to me, but it did. I was grieving for the loss of a future with my H, but what is that if not "future fu**ing". I don't know what tomorrow holds, and my H certainly has no idea! I know that the man I love is inside him. I know it because I have seen it! He can hide it, and refuse to acknowledge it, but I will always know until the day I die that that sweet vulnerable man who cried the first time we fought is still deep inside him. And I do believe that my H thinks what he is doing is the right thing. Or at least he is doing what he thinks will end his pain and make him happy. I don't agree with him of course, but if I love him, how can I stop him from doing what he feels will make him happy? Maybe I am the one who is wrong and someone else will really make him happy? I hope with all my heart that his journey leads him back home to me, because I believe that nobody will ever love him like I do. But it his journey to take, and I want to show him that there is such a thing as unconditional love, and that's what I have for him. And I'm strong enough to show it to him by setting him free to find his happiness.

I am not saying I will wait forever either. I don't know if I will. I don't know what my destiny is. But I have learned that I am strong and capable. And most of all, I have learned that my love for my H is NOT based on familiarity, or that marriage is sacred, or that I am afraid of being alone! It is a real and true love and that never dies. No matter what happens from here on out. I am grateful and cherish my life with H. I always will. And I truly want him happy.

I actually pretty much told my H all this yesterday, and it was the most empowering thing I have done since my sitch began. And it wouldn't have happened if my H hadn't done this. My real love for him was over-shadowed by my fears. But I now know that real love is not a weakening thing. It is an enriching thing, regardless if it is returned in the same way or not.

I know all this is very "sappy" and it's inevitable that days will come when I miss him so much that I ache. But I wouldn't go back and change it for anything. And I'm liking being happy and strong and confident right now in a way I have NEVER been before. And again, I wouldn't be at this place right now if this all didn't happen. So, I'm actually grateful for it......at least today I am. And that's cool!

Sorry for the long disertation, but hang in there BM! You are going to be just fine. I know it!!

{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}