Thanks GG. The thing is, my son is 18. He will hopefully be at college next year. So there is not much incentive for h to ever return. He also never admits he made a mistake (well, almost never) and never changes his mind once a decision is made.
But I have to keep moving forward. I am falling apart again and I cant take much more.
BM allow God to work on your h. My h too was a man that never changes his mind, but about a year ago during one of our first C appointments my h said he couldn't see himself ever going back to the M.
Not so sure he still feels that way today. What I am saying is God still performs miracles today.
Look at my ex h apologizing after 14 years. Life and time changes people.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know the pain and fear is almost all consuming! Please know that what you are feeling is normal because you are a warm caring woman who did not give her heart lightly. The pain you are feeling is what makes you such a remarkable woman! (Even though it sucks right now!)
It will get easier though. Really! I don't know how you've had the strength to stand the coldness and living in the same house for as long as you have! I think that you will look back on this and see that this will ultimately be the best thing that ever happened to you! This is the way you will learn that you really are going to be OK.
Concentrate on you and your son! Make it a point to do some fun things together, just you and him. If your H is the man you think he is (and I'm betting he is, because "duty" doesn't last 30 years, no matter what they say!) then he will figure himself out! He too is hurting and confused right now and thinks that what he is doing is the right thing for his own happiness! Being in the same house, you have been the easy target for his discontent. But he will come to see that it's not you, it's inside him. It will be a long difficult journey for him, but it's his to take, and now it's your turn to take care of you.
If you check my thread, you will see that I came to a little epiphany yesterday. I realized that what was causing me so much pain was the idea that I would not grow old with my H as I had thought. I was not mourning the loss of the relationship, because that is not really lost. It's a fact. It happened and it was real for me and nothing can ever take that away! No matter what happens from now on, that love we built over our years together remains pure and unsullied and woven into the fabric of our lives and who we are.
I don't know why this meant so much to me, but it did. I was grieving for the loss of a future with my H, but what is that if not "future fu**ing". I don't know what tomorrow holds, and my H certainly has no idea! I know that the man I love is inside him. I know it because I have seen it! He can hide it, and refuse to acknowledge it, but I will always know until the day I die that that sweet vulnerable man who cried the first time we fought is still deep inside him. And I do believe that my H thinks what he is doing is the right thing. Or at least he is doing what he thinks will end his pain and make him happy. I don't agree with him of course, but if I love him, how can I stop him from doing what he feels will make him happy? Maybe I am the one who is wrong and someone else will really make him happy? I hope with all my heart that his journey leads him back home to me, because I believe that nobody will ever love him like I do. But it his journey to take, and I want to show him that there is such a thing as unconditional love, and that's what I have for him. And I'm strong enough to show it to him by setting him free to find his happiness.
I am not saying I will wait forever either. I don't know if I will. I don't know what my destiny is. But I have learned that I am strong and capable. And most of all, I have learned that my love for my H is NOT based on familiarity, or that marriage is sacred, or that I am afraid of being alone! It is a real and true love and that never dies. No matter what happens from here on out. I am grateful and cherish my life with H. I always will. And I truly want him happy.
I actually pretty much told my H all this yesterday, and it was the most empowering thing I have done since my sitch began. And it wouldn't have happened if my H hadn't done this. My real love for him was over-shadowed by my fears. But I now know that real love is not a weakening thing. It is an enriching thing, regardless if it is returned in the same way or not.
I know all this is very "sappy" and it's inevitable that days will come when I miss him so much that I ache. But I wouldn't go back and change it for anything. And I'm liking being happy and strong and confident right now in a way I have NEVER been before. And again, I wouldn't be at this place right now if this all didn't happen. So, I'm actually grateful for it......at least today I am. And that's cool!
Sorry for the long disertation, but hang in there BM! You are going to be just fine. I know it!!
{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Thank you both so much for posting. SC, thank you for your heartfelt post. You really are an amazing woman. It is a post I know I will read again and again.
I know that I need to let go. I know that I need to file. This waiting has cost me my financial future.
There really is nothing else I could do but move forward. And Irealize that I have kept my dignity and my moral compass in tact. That I have acted with thoughtfulness and kindness toward my h. And that I love with everything I have.
So, I really have to figure out the rest of my life - taking it one day at a time.
Last night an aquaintance invited me over to her house. She was having some friends over that she grew up with. I initially said no as I do not know them and it was all couples.
But I forced myself to go. Well, these people were from Brooklyn as I am originally. I did not stop laughing for 4 hours. There are no people on Earth as funny to me as people from Brooklyn. It was sad to see all these happy couples, but, laughter is the best medicine.
I come home, and my h (who is leaving us for good tomorrow) is still sitting in the same chair I left him in. He knew where I was going as my friend called to ask where I was and told him. He said that I must have gone to the store to pick uop cake or something.
Anyway, he is sitting there watching TV, right where I left him. I go into my room. Son comes up from downstairs and asks if his two friends could sleep over. I say yes as son is so depressed and this is the first time in a long time he has even hung out with his friends. But that is where h sleeps. Downstairs in the family room on the couch.
H says, son should ask us before hand. I said, well, I guess it just came up. So he said, where am I supposed to sleep? Not my problem, I think to myself. I just went to sleep. He could have slept in son's bed, but he chose to sleep in the same chair he is always in.
Be careful what you wish for. Because he has to feel really stupid that I was out, son was with friends and he is alone all night sitting in a chair.
Why he is still here is what I dont get. He left last Tuesday and stayed at ow's mom's house til Friday. Came home and is still here. He told me he wants to ease son into him being gone. I said, you told him you were leaving, he is 18, you dont have to ease into it. He said he thought it was the best way. I said nothing.
Now, this man has spoken of nothing else for a year and a half. And here he sits. Makes you shake your head and say to yourself, ahhh, life in the twilight zone.
I should SC. When my h made his big announcement 18 months ago. He said to me, I want a divorce right away. I want to start my new life. I wasted years being unhappy (news to me) and I dont want to waste another day in this life.
And here he sits, in the same damn chair he made the announcement from. As I said, he needs to put the freakin' cuckoo back in the clock.
He needs to stay or go. Pick one and do it. Or stop being Dr. Seuss. I do not like it here, BM. I do not like it Sam I am. I need to leave or maybe not. I need to go or stay or not.
This is the song that never ends.....yes it goes on and on my friend.....you're H, he started singing it, you don't know when it was.....but he'll just keep on singin' it forever just because....this is the song that never ends....yes it goes on and on my friend.......your H, he started singin' it, you don't know when it was......but he'll just kep on singin' it forever just because....this is the song that never ends......
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
SC, that was great, I am laughing out loud here and my h yells down,whats so funny? Which of course, makes me laugh more. So I yell up, some song made me laugh. Too funny. And he was supposed to leave today for good. Let's see what happens.
