Thinks are just moving along. Sent X an email about holiday schedule with kids last Thursday. Per court papers she would get them from the time they get out of school until noon on Christmas Day. I get them from then until they go back. Long story short they would be with her for 8 days and me for 12. Told her that if they weren't going out of town I would like to get them for a night in the middle of that. I did some switching for her over Thanksgiving and ended up not having them for 7 nights. Missed them a bunch and tried to get them for dinner in the middle. She wouldn't do it and said kids didn't want to go. Kids told me it was her not wanting them to go with me. Decided I wouldn't leave things to "chance" anymore and that we needed firm schedule. In email I told her I would like to get them one night and she could have them during my time if she wanted, but NOT required. She didn't answer, told me she would over weekend.
Kids came to me last Friday. Weekend went good. My D14 is a HS cheerleader and they were in the local Christmas Parade on Sunday. I met her at the end of the parade route and we had to drive back to the middle of the route to get her stuff from her friends car. She said her Mom and BF were close by. I figured I would "break the ice" and meet the BF since my D16 is so protective of me when other kids talk about him when I am around. D14, D11, and myself went over to where they were but he wasn't around. X was there with his two young kids. D11 got a bit upset afterwards because she said that her Mom was acting like theirs.
Rest of weekend went good and the kids went home w/ Mom after school on Monday. I had to drop their stuff they left at my place off at her place on Monday evening. X came out and we talked about Christmas presents for kids and she gave me verbal ok for getting the kids on Sunday night the 21st.
Yesterday morning I sent another email and sent her a text saying I had sent one to "confirm holiday schedule". I wanted her to be clear as to which night I wanted them. She replied back that there was "nothing to confirm". I called her and asked about what we had talked about the night before. She got upset because I only wanted them for one night, she understood it as being two. She said she would read my email and reply back to confirm. She hadn't done so by 9PM so I sent another text asking her, she said she would do it "shortly".
This morning still no response so I sent another text. She called and we talked about it. She was still pissy about the "one night instead of two" thing but said okay. I told her that the reason I was doing this via email was so that we were very clear on what was going on. She said she might want them during my 12 nights but doesn't know for sure since she might go on a trip. I told her fine, I would be willing to do whatever she wants as long it doesn't interfere with plans, but that I needed to know ahead of time so I could make my plans with kids. She said she prefers just playing things by ear.
My problem with "playing things by ear" goes back to the way things go when we do this, like during Thanksgiving. I always get the short end of the stick and she constantly wants me to pick them up early because she "has plans". It is always a bit of a fiasco and generally involves tension between us because of her shifting expectations.
Hopefully I wasn't wrong in asking her to deviate from the court plan then expecting her to be firm on the modified schedule. I was just trying to ensure some time with the kids and a known schedule so I could plan.
ya know I see things the same as you do on the co-parenting. I want something on paper to fall back on but also want to be as flexible as possible while being fair..and I want it fair for both Kim and myself..
That was funny G! Totally caught me off-guard and I laughed. Ducks were relatively safe this trip. Too much ice and what not!
Had my kiddos for about 35 hours and it was good. I cooked their favorite meal last night and we baked a boat load of cookies. They had a big time decorating them, wrapping gifts, and wrapping up cookie plates to give to their friends. It was a good time and I'm looking forward to getting them back on Thursday!
I was reading the boards through the holidays but just didn't seem to have the time to post anything. So here is my update...
Holidays went well, very well. No emo stuff, just relaxation and good times with the kids. X asked for the kids during my 12 days with them and was actually quite civil, albeit scatter-brained about it. She kept changing her mind on when she wanted them right up to the 24 hr prior mark. Prevented me from scheduling an 11th hour trip to Missouri to get in one last duck hunt, but no biggie. Only true irritant was her hitting me up for extra money and then me seeing how much she spent on kids presents. She outspent me, but again, no biggie. Took a minor gut punch when I learned that her BF had given each of my kids gift cards for Christmas. Just a first time experience I guess.
With the New Years comes resolutions! I was oh so thrilled to be completely DONE with 2008 and decided to turn the corner across the board:
- Go beyond being civil with X and actually try to be friendly - Don't allow discussions of X to be a part of convos with old friends. If they start talking about the past, change the subject!**
I've been holding to this quite well. I still don't answer her calls if I don't want to, but normally I will. If she starts being chatty I'll just tell her I'm busy and try to get her to get her point across quickly. I've been a smartass to her (which is my normal self) instead of being very dry. She has noticed and it makes her smile.
Her having a steady BF has been a GREAT thing even though it came with an initial crisis that I had to wing with the kids. In the end though, she is not the bar hopping "you know what" that she was before. The emo feelings w/ the kids in regards to having a new man in Mom's life are trivial when compared to me worrying about the stuff they might hear/think about their Mom.
** Decided to make this a resolution when I met a woman before Christmas who had "hung out" with my X through a mutual friend on four or five occasions. She went through the "oh my god, I can't believe she gave you up for what I've seen her with" and started to get sort of explicit and graphic. It had been quite some time since I had heard stuff like that, and I told her I could really care less. Had to scratch her off the list because of that, which is a shame. She is my age, quite successful, was a college swimmer, and has a body that a 25 year old would kill for!
Beyond that, some for me:
- Get to the gym FIVE times a week, even when the kids are with me - Include weight training with my cardio. - Concentrate on abs workout! - Reign in my diet a bit and cut back on the beer so my ab workout will be noticeable. - Start looking for opportunities to have "adult interaction" when I have the kids with me. I'm not talking about having a GF around, I'm talking about more group stuff, selections on where to eat out, etc. - Take the kids on TWO vacations this year!
Those sound like great resolutions and objectives. Duck hunting.. huh? A sport that targets fowl play with ducks and Vice Presidents. The only thing I've ever hunted is bargains.
You could probably start mentoring on how to be divorced. Now why did you cross off the swim/graphic lady? Because she talked too much or gave you a bad feeling?
I'm taking notes on how you manage your boundaries with her. Has it gotten easier over time.. and how so?
As for duck hunting and VP's... if you are talking about the esteemed Dick Cheney, that was actually quail hunting excursion when he "shot" that guy. For those of you who've never quail or dove hunted, it is actually not that unusual to get "shot". Peppered is the phrase we use. Granted, he got this guy pretty good but it was more carelessness on the part of the guy that got shot than Cheney.
I'm gonnna "cut" the swim/graphic lady just because I don't really want to hear about my X any. Definitely not with someone that I am involved with. I'd just assume not have someone that knows anything about her. Who knows, maybe I'll back off on that but for now there will be nothing more than a new friend, and you can't have enough of those. When she has spoken of her it has been in flattering terms towards me. When I met her she literally gawked at me for over an hour before she admitted knowing my X. Just kept going on about not understanding her.
I saw a movie that listed the mistakes a divorced guy makes, one was talking about his X wife. I don't need help in that department! There are plenty of women out there that haven't "hung out" with my X. However, it will be tough to find a 45 year old with a body like that!!!!!!!! SMOKIN!!
It has gotten easier. I think that while painful at times, I've had a crash course on some of the tougher post-D topics. There is very little that is new and I've gotten pretty good with dealing with the normal fare. Maybe it is that she has started to evolve back into somewhat of a normal human being? Who knows.
As I've worried less about her and TRULY focused on my kids and myself, the boundaries are easier to enforce. I really don't care all that much about what she thinks of me now and I don't allow her to "play" me like she used to. She has turned into "someone I know" versus someone close.
A buddy of mine was in downtown Nashville tonight at the Yazoo Brewery. Brought me back a gallon of Dos Perros! Awesome beer for anyone fortunate enough to have it available!
Ok y'all, I need to run something by everyone to get their input on it. First, let me say that things have been going smooth. X is very serious w/ her new BF (since November) and that has kept her out of bars and therefore no more "white trash" antics to upset the kids. Kudos to her. I've been doing great! We've done a decent job of co-parenting. While X hasn't been doing bar-fly stuff and the initial issues from meeting the BF have worn off, I have heard a constant "gripe" from the kids, especially the youngest. They get jealous of time X spends with BF and his kids while they are with her. No biggie, I can counsel them through this.
Our house hasn't sold so the financial terms of the divorce (CS & A) haven't kicked in. Basically, I'm responsible for all. Hasn't been bad since she quit going to bars and burning money like it was going out of style. For the most part she hasn't been hitting me up for money that I didn't feel like was fair.
So, things have been good, not much convo between me and X, civil & borderline friendly when it happens.
Now, on to what I need advice on. This entire month she has been hitting me up regularly for additional money. I haven't complained, figured it was easier to just cough it up versus debate it. Last night the kids came over to my place for their normal "every other Wednesday night". They told me that the oldest son of the BF (he's 14 & in same grade/school as my middle D) has been staying at the house for the last week and a half, sleeping on the sofa in the TV room.
Okay, I have two issues with this and I'm not sure how, or if I should, voice them to X:
- He's a 14 year old boy in the house with my 16, 14, and 11 year old daughters. They haven't known him that long. What if "something" happens? I just don't think it is proper and I think that I should somehow document my objection. I can understand a night here and there if circumstances are dramatic, but almost two weeks? I just don't think my girls, for that matter my 8 year old son, should be subjected to this. I know it is a stretch and I should be able to trust judgement of my X (wouldn't knowingly put kids in harm's way), but I don't. I think she is all about impressing her new BF.
- The secondary, and not so important thing, is that it irritates me that I now know why her expenses are going up. She is feeding a 14 year old boy every day, not to mention entertaining her BF and his other two sons almost every night.
Cohabitation in Connecticut would negate your responsibility to continue alimony for your wife. You'd have to go to trial to adjust it.
Is the amount you pay voluntary? Are you paying above what the guidelines for the child support and alimony? My ex spouse paid me 40% of his NET take home pay, which was considered equitable in CT for child support and alimony during the divorce process making it very difficult for me to support the family and household.
Now that the divorce is final I receive 40% of his GROSS income.
It's your choice what you do. She'll keep going to the well until it dries up.
As far as the 14 year old boy, I don't think you have many options. Counsel your daughters and son about appropriate behavior, what should be expected.
Net, net, I'd limit the payments to what is reasonable and customary. When in doubt, let the additional money go toward paying half of the kids activities if you're not already doing that.
Hope it helps.
Like I was told when it comes to making a decision:
If the answer is yes, it's yes.
If the answer is no, it's no.
If you waffle, the answer is no.
Go with your gut and make sure the sale of the house isn't be dragged out for the monetary gain (and later divorce restrictions) of your wife.
