M, Actually, I do not think the ow has put any thoughts in your h's head about the police. When in crisis, they remember what transpired previously and it's stuck in their brain and nothing will shake it until they wake up. Their paranoia eats at them and once we've done the "unthinkable" in their minds to them, it stays there. What do you do about it....nothing. He's going to have to figure that one out on his own.
BTW, until they get a very good grip on the bottom of the barrel and begin to float again, the paranoia still plays a role in their way of thinking. I think your h is scared to death to let go of that paranoia and face total reality right now. He knows that once he faces everything front and center, there will be no excuse not to come home.
The ow may voice her opinion, but your h's depression is what is driving his guilt, shame and paranoia right now.
You are going to have to step back just a little bit, when he comes over, go to your room and leave him be. I know you don't want to do this in your own home, but he's got to see you aren't going to be out front and center for a bit. He's just a bit too comfortable w/the way things have been going for a few weeks and we need to find a way to shake that comfort zone up just a little bit. Nothing drastic.
Please take care of yourself. I do worry about all of the stress that you are under and how it may be affecting your health.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
