out of clever titles

[hoosiermama]

Would you be willing to read my final draft, Pup? I have lost all objectivity at this point.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Of course!

[hoosiermama]

H has sent me a proposed visitation schedule for January and February. After making a big deal about wanting D on weekends, he hasn't indicated any weekend visits until February--and that's because he'll be out of town on business for much of the first and last week of the month. Nothing on her birthday or Valentine's day. Which is good for me! Actually D will be taking a healing touch class over the Valentine's day weekend; couldn't manage financially for both of us to do it, but at least she can be there. Probably I can be there too, to move massage tables and prep food and stuff, so she won't feel too awkward. But in the October class, she was absolutely comfortable being the only non-adult and was quite engaged and mature. What an amazing thing, and so timely.

I'm thinking of sending the letters to his parents and brother during the time he'll be gone in February. I don't know what their response will be, but I am certain that once he finds out he'll be furious with me. So maybe allowing them time to absorb it and perhaps respond to me before he can respond to them might be a good idea.

The bishop is at H's church this morning. How ironic. He had talked about bringing D with him, but then never contacted her, and last night emailed me that he'd have to be there 90 minutes early so she probably wouldn't want to go. Which was true. I know he'll be charming and tactful. But this is a very astute woman, and we've had a few chats (one was just a week before the bomb at a church event) so when it all comes down to it, she won't be manipulated. However, I really think he will end up not pursuing priesthood. If he and OW are longer term, she will demand too much of his time and her values will continue to impact his. If they split, I'm fairly sure it will trigger a crisis in him--it certainly did the first time when he gave up one dream for her. Once she is not around to trigger his hormones, he will be forced to come to terms with all that he has done. This will be a good thing--and I don't say that out of revenge at all. But I've known the man for more than 20 years (we were friends well before we were romantic) and I know just how much he can delude himself for immediate gratification and affirmation. I hope for his sake (because he does have a lot of potential) that he will ultimately be forced to deal with himself, with finding peace and fulfillment within rather than externally. Sure, there's a real possibility that he'll jump into another relationship right away. That's a pattern for him. But this is the only woman who's ever broken up with him, rather than vice versa, and I'm sure there was that whole element in play when he began pursuing him.

Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be focusing on me, on GAL. And I am. I'm just thinking out loud.

My own life is in a fallow period. Just being quiet, healing, can't really do much else right now. I'm finding that most GAL activities seem to involve money--and so they're not happening in the near future. I am seriously considering starting a small online business for crafts and jewelry; I already have a lot of supplies and wouldn't have to purchase much. And if I join etsy dot com, there's very little investment needed. It wouldn't be big bucks, but it also wouldn't be terribly time-consuming either. Yes, the small amount of child support is helpful, but I only got half a paycheck because of Christmas break at the same time I had a large, sad, unexpected vet bill and had to buy a new cell phone. I need a bit of a buffer, and hope this may be the way to do that.

[hoosiermama]

hello? anybody out there? jump on in there, really. feel free. it's lonely in here. you don't have to be wise, articulate, or brilliant. just show me I'm not invisible.

[Purple]

I'm here Hooz.

I don't recommend outing him to his family. It will backfire in ways you wouldn't expect. They will believe what they want to believe, regardless of how much evidence is to the contrary.

Just think about the r'ship you want your D to have with these people and only do things that will not jeapordise the future of that relationship. You have control over that aspect, you don't have control over what they or h do RE their relationship with your d.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Just a Purple outside looking in with perhaps a little more objectivity.

[Bridgestone]

Hi HM..
sorry i missed your thread when I was cruising around here late last night.

I likehow your thinking process works... your thoughts & actions are tinged with respect, yet care and compassion for yourself & D. You are trying to see the effect on your H and while not necessarily let that affect your actions, it is within your line of sight & you are not being oblivious to how your actions are/could affect him.

I LOVE hand made jewelry.. a dear friends daughter has made some for me in the past. I would be very interested in some if you decided to make a go of it???

hugs to you
Bridge

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Hooz,
I don't have much advice, but I am reading along and thinking of you. I am a little wary about the possible effect of informing your H's family about his...activities, since so many people here have had negative results from telling their in-laws. It's got to be rough for you, though, since you don't have any other family. You go to all the trouble of spending years adjusting your attitude to accommodate all of your in-laws' quirks and irritating behaviors, and then discover that if your M is dissolving, they will take sides against you. Yeah, it hurts not to be valued for yourself.

I know that during Christmas of 2007, when we were with H's family, only a couple of months post-bomb, I did my best to cherish the time I had with them, without being obvious about it, because I kept thinking that I might never see them again. Well, that was the last time I saw most of them, and I probably never will again unless H and I are lucky enough to have a restored M. I think most of them probably still don't know things are bad between H and me, much less that he's been cheating on me for a year and a half and has now moved out.

Oops, sorry for the hijack, got carried away.

I sure wish we could wave our little wands and magically fix everything! Who cares what lessons we "should" be learning through the process?!

Take care of yourself.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[smartcookie]

Hi Sweets, I love handcrafted jewelry. I think you should go for it. A neighbor down the street makes baby bracelets, with crystals & sterling letters. She does pretty good.

Thinking of you !

Hugs

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm thinking of sending the letters to his parents and brother during the time he'll be gone in February. I don't know what their response will be, but I am certain that once he finds out he'll be furious with me. So maybe allowing them time to absorb it and perhaps respond to me before he can respond to them might be a good idea.

I think that is a very wise idea.

Sorry for the slow response, Hoozh -- yesterday was D20's birthday, and I was slammed.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

I'm here Hooz.

I don't recommend outing him to his family. It will backfire in ways you wouldn't expect. They will believe what they want to believe, regardless of how much evidence is to the contrary.

Just think about the r'ship you want your D to have with these people and only do things that will not jeapordise the future of that relationship. You have control over that aspect, you don't have control over what they or h do RE their relationship with your d.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Just a Purple outside looking in with perhaps a little more objectivity.

I would certainly not do anything to jeopardize D's relationship with her family. God knows I know what it's like to be cut off from family, and I would do anything to keep that from happening to her. And so I would never say anything in a mean or accusatory way in the letter I would send. However, I do need some closure with them--I have a lot of grief over this aspect of the divorce. Also, since he has put D in a position of keeping the secret of OW with her grandparents, this is a way of ending that issue. I hear what you're saying, and I will admit that I am not 100% committed to "outing" H, but when I do so it won't be so much an act of revenge or "outing" as it is a closure for our relationship.