(((Jeff))) thanks for the reassurance, it means a lot. I know that one can over think sometimes and come up with crazy stuff but I am still happy with my thoughts so that is a good sign. I forgot you lived in Lincoln. That is quite near my sister!
(((Mishka, R2C))) I grew up in London where I just didn't need to drive. When I first moved out here I started learning (and was quite good) but on one practise session some guy undertook me and ran me off the road into a ditch. It majorly shook my confidence. I can get around here with public transport but it is quite annoying especially if I need to go food shopping. On the plus side I walk a lot and enjoy it and know all the local bus drivers! lol. Even if I don't use the licence for a while, if I move back to London, at least I will have it and will have learnt on quiet roads that I know.
(((Dan)))I wanted to come back to your post. I don't really see how I can confront him. He has been gone a year and doesn't really talk to me enough to lie to me. I did send him that strong email saying I knew he had ow and got no response. If he lies to my face I will turn round and ask him not to lie as I am no longer afraid of walking on eggshells. I suppose the thing is we don't have children so really his business is his business as he no longer considers himself married to me. I know that he knows he is doing wrong otherwise he would be proud of his relationship and not be acting so guilty around me and be able to look me in the eye. Really I have no leverage to tell him to stop seeing her - in his eyes our relationship was over in Oct 2007, if not finally over in May 2008. Do you agree with my assessment? It does frustrate me that I am not making headway, I (for some crazy reason??!!) am not able to lose a tiny spark of hope but I am realistic. He most probably is one of the ones that Michelle W-D says is set in their decision to walk away.
Unfortunately Julia, I think you are right about your H being one of those set on his decision.
I know nothing about D laws in the UK. Is there some sort of waiting period before filing? You mentioned something about not having grounds so having to wait 2 years. He is able to live with some other woman while still being M'd to you and there are no grounds? WTF?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have grounds, he doesn't until 2 years of separation and that is only if I agree. The grounds for divorce here are unreasonable behaviour, infidelity, desertion, two years separation with consent and 5 years without consent.
I'm not ready to divorce yet. For me I can only handle one thing at a time, house first and I also want to be a bit more 'ok' with the thought of being divorced before proceeding. I can be patient a bit longer
WOW!!!!! Those are some seriously strict laws! I'm glad to see that some countries still value M. So you have grounds and he will have to wait possibly 5 years depending on you. That sounds like an awesome growing time for you then. Good!
I'm glad your patience is holding out Julia. I'm afraid I am much too impatient in life. I will take my queues from you.
So, getting your license is an awesome goal. Sorry to hear about the jerk running you off the road. I understand the not learning to drive earlier since you lived in one of the best public transport cities in the world growing up. It's a lot like New Yorker's. They sometimes never learn to drive in their entire lives!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi Julia. I didn't realize that you'd already told him that you knew he was involved and moving in with OW. So, scratch what I said. It's when the other person is a secret that the lying gets to be a real problem on top of the integrity problem.
He lies by omission. He says he's going on vacation, but, he leaves out a lot of information like that he's taking OW with him etc. He asks you for something like the car without telling you he wants to sell it and so on.
If you feel you're communication is truthful and only inadequate. Say so. Tell him that he needs to behave like an adult and start talking to you about the house etc.
In light of your latest, I'd say you are definitely in the sweet spot of what you can be doing and I wish you all the best.
I know he lies by omission, it does bother me (quite a lot!) but I don't really know what to do about it as often I find out that he's lied after and not at the time so it is hard for me to confront. He is just always going to leave out ow stuff I think. He can't mention her to me - guilt.
I sent him an email reflecting his tone on Friday but tried a new tack of stating when and where I would like to meet basically in R2C's suggested text and a sketchy brief of what we would be discussing, so he brings the stuff I need to the meeting and also so he knows I am not trying to 'trap' him or whatever he builds it into. Two baby steps have occurred...
1. I haven't been stressing about not hearing from him, although I did start wondering what to do today as I had suggested Monday lunchtime and I hadn't heard. I decided to put it out my head and wait a bit longer. Lucky I did because...
2. He sent me a text saying 'Hi, got your email. Can't do Monday lunchtime, got a really busy week, but I'll check my diary and suggest another time. Not really sure what you mean about the internet bill...?'
So baby steps, although I find the time lapse weird (why did he not email me back on Friday - shows at least I pop into his head at other times - one of my old fears) at least he let me know in good time and said he would suggest an alternative and didn't react badly to me taking initiative. I am busy this week so he will have to fit round me too This is better communication and more respectful of him.
I had asked him to bring copies of all the bills to the meeting. My plan for the meeting is to discuss the fact that I noticed he didn't pay any money in to the bank last month so didn't contribute towards the bills or mortgage (mortgage was fine as it is the holiday month). It is fine if he doesn't want to contribute towards the bills anymore - obviously - but I will tell him he needs to let me know this (this damn conflict avoidance he has going on!!!) so I can compensate otherwise how am I supposed to know! Also, if I am going to be paying the bills I want to be receiving them rather than them all going to him - that won't sit well with his control needs - which is why I have asked him for copies. I also said that in my email that I have some mortgage papers for us to look at (this is the interest only mortgage) to make sure he knows I am serious about the one month mortgage holiday. I will keep the meeting light and friendly and will discuss the issues with him to see if we can come up with a solution together - this is what has worked before.
I will tell him that he needs to communicate better re the house Dan, you are right. If I let him get away with it then it enables him and I'm not putting up with that any longer - it screws me as I have no idea what is going on with my own finances!
So, I saw the estate agent on Sat and they basically said the same as the two h saw. I am really glad I saw the agent as I actually concur with h's view of which one to go with. I am more used to the idea of selling and am over the money lost issue. I can't torture myself with what would have been's.
Today I took myself off the Bikram Yoga. I really enjoyed it! It was a hassle to get the train into London but as I told myself I had nothing else to do so may as well and was so pleased I did!
I have a *great* 180 outfit for meeting h! This skirt with a tight shirt and heels - I'm going for the sexy administrator look bit different to my usual jeans!
You seem to have gotten your emotions in order and your ducks in a row regarding the house and bills.
Very inconsiderate of him not to let you know he wasn't going to be paying the other bills. If he receives all of them, how does he expect you to pay them instead? DUH!
Georgeous skirt BTW. Very sexy. That outfit should give you a major confidence boost when dealing with "Mr. Unreasonable".
Yoga is something I would love to do but just can't afford right now. I have a DVD but haven't had a chance to boot my mom off the TV for a while so I can try it.
I'll look forward to more updates as the week goes on.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks Mishka, I would label him 'Mr Avoidant' lol! an ongoing battle! I am hoping that by no longer enabling and being brave enough to bring it up it may help change the situation. In fairness, I think I may have been avoidant too this past year in lots of ways. I am stronger now.
I also do feel a bit stronger over the house thing - it always helps to let it go! To be fair to h, all the bills come out by direct debit but if I am going to now be responsible for them now I want to be fully responsible i.e. being able to check the statements.
The yoga was fun, although it is expensive. Much nicer than at my gym, I always feel intimidated there so stopped going. Here it was really friendly and they helped me much more - I didn't have to stand on my head! It was so hot though, I thought I was going to pass out a few times! It was nice as my mind was somewhere else for 90 mins and I wasn't stuck at home.
I wonder what the week will bring...
BTW Lisa and I have another choir concert on Thursday! Exciting 3 choir extravaganza!
bit different to my usual jeans!