in a galaxy far, far away...

[dl443322]

So, I spoke with h today and told him that is what not ok what he did. I dont know if its good dbing or not, but I had to tell him. I said, we agreed to work together regarding son. It was not ok for you to tell him two days before you told me that you were leaving. And then to walk up to me and say after 18 months, well, I am going to live with ow's mom and I am leaving in an hour was not cool.

He said he was sorry that he handled it that way. He just avoids and thats why he is where he is. He should have told me years ago that he was unhappy instead of waiting.

I made it clear that he cannot do this again regarding son. That if he is talking to son about us, I need to know. I said it is his choice how this unfolds. That I want to do the right thing regarding son. I want him to feel comfortable coming to both of us and being around both of us. I told h that if he continues to talk about us to son without my knowledge that I will assume that is how he wants it to go and will be forced to do the same. I again stated this is not how I want this to go, so the choice is his.

Then I said, I cannot afford to owe anymore of his debt. That he has to file so that I can be protected from any futher debt. That I do not want to file, so would he. If not, then I have no choice. He said he would. And that was the end of the conversation.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, (((((BM))))).

I'm sorry that you are at this point. But you seem to be do really well keeping strong. I too said some things in an e-mail to my H that probably wasn't "good DBing" but was honest (it's on my thread). Yellowrose once told me that she mostly went with her gut in times of confusion, so I think that that is OK. You have to be true to yourself. There is strength in that!

I hope you can work together regarding you S. It's important that he knows you both love him and that he doesn't have to take sides (and indeed he shouldn't). That is one thing my H and I have done is not badmouth each other....certainly not to the kids. I still often defend H to the kids. Kids are always going to be "in the middle" some no matter how hard you try not to put them there, but you should keep it to a minimum if at all possible, for their own self image.

Take care!!

{{{{{}}}}}

[dl443322]

I am having a hard time today. This is real now. H is packing and leaving. I do not want a divorce. I married for life. He seems so done with me, so removed, so uncompassionate. It is sad, after 30 years without even giving me a chance.

[graceallday]

just know the way he is now is becuase in his mind he couldnt leave if he wasnt acting this way...when there is ow you are not on the radar.....sorry to say invisible...the best thing you can do is the opposite of what you want to do...detach..let him go..dont call him.....I havent followed your thread but there are alot of good books that will help you understand but i think the main thing to remember is while you are trying to understand take care of you too...This is a long journey and the quicker you really let go, thats when you can heal. So sorry you are going through this...

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Donna))))))

[dl443322]

You know, I just have to get it into my head that this is happening. It is not what I wanted. But I really have to stop fighting it and accept what is.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Donna)))))
I think you need to take care of yourself. You can't control what he is going to do, or how he is going to do it. How can you give yourself a good day?

[glamgirl]

BM take a break from all of this. You can't control one's bad behavior, no matter how hard you try.

Accept that this is who he is now. Can you file for legal separation to keep from owing any of his new debt rather than for D or is D a better option for you?

Don't bother with telling him what he should or should not be doing. It all falls on deaf ears and we then look like the bad one.

Hugs!

[dl443322]

Thanks for posting guys. There isnt any legal separation in my state. It goes right to divorce. It is a no fault state. So they make it very easy to get divorced. I am having a hard time filing.

My h told our son he was moving out on Tuesday and he left that afternoon. He then met me at the doctor for our son. He has health issues. Then he came and stayed here. I asked him why he is back. He said he wanted to ease into for our son. I said I think this is making it harder for both my son and I to move forward. He said he is leaving next week for good. He thought he was doing what was best for son. I left it at that.

I then had the long talk with him about how he handled him finally leaving. He apologized.

It is very difficult having him here. I think son is confused as well.

I couldnt help it, today, I lost it. I started crying.

My h works for home and he came up from downstairs and I said that I was scared of the future. That I have been with him since I was 19 and that 30 years is a long time. I said I was worried about our son as is his doctor. Son is extremely depressed and the therapist wants me to watch him carefully. My poor son has had such a tough life and this might be the straw that breaks his back.

I told h he has to be in son's life. That him being 2 hours away is going to make it difficult but he has to make a real effort to see son as much as he can. I said I would do what I could to make that easy for them both.

He said he appreciated that I have kept things friendly between us so that our s does not have to deal with us being unkind to each other.

I was crying and I said, I just want our son to be ok. He said he knows and he hugged me. I told him I know he has to leave. He should do that since that was the decision he made.

I think I will be a little better in some ways once he is gone for good. This back and forth is too much for me.

[glamgirl]

So sorry BM that it has come to this, but on the brighter side it should be better for you and son. No more trying to guess when he is going to be gone.

Once he is gone then you can focus on your life. Even though he is gone it doesn't mean the end. Maybe then he will want to go to MC or want to return at some point.

You do learn to move on with your life in ways that you may have never imagined. I know that my h misses our home and being away from the kids. I can only pray that HE will want to come home and be a family and h once again.

Don't loose hope or give up, build your strength.