I think I'll just have to call BS on your list of answers!!
It is ironic that you can quote the exact right thing....then let your emotions lead you the exact wrong way! The way I see it you have 2 choices....the harder right which is the path you have been on....or the easier wrong. The irony in this is that the easier wrong will be a much harder path in the long run....and the harder right will lead to a blessed place. It really peeves me that you can actually post that your kids want you to move in.....what a bunch of crap! Don't you get that they are telling you what they believe will make you feel better....right NOW? Do you really believe they don't want to see their parents back together? Of course you don't! I'm sorry LD....but, no sympathy here for this BS. You'll have to find somebody else to join you in your pity party and emotional spewage.....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I need to tell you all something, I am goingout with friends tomorrow. I invited this woman to lunch, no girlfriend and no desire to start that on any level. But I have a bad feeling about it, a real bad feeling, like I should not do this. No He is walking with me on this, It is not Him that is telling me no, it is me, there is something inside me. I have not seen my W in two weeks to the day. I have gone longer, but it irks me.
This is the scary part, I can no longer see her face when I close my eyes to go to sleep. I tried very hard last night and couldn't remember every line in her face, the color of her eyes, the shape of her mouth, nothing....I know some of you can relate to that. I can't fathom not being able to conjure up that image. This why I am scared and why I am frustrated, I am so far away, things I knew, so mattter of factly, are gone!!! Gone, out of my memory, gone.
My father is dead and I remember everything about his face how he looked, everything and that was 4.5 years ago. This has been 5.5 months!!! The mind does things to protect its host, it blanks out things that ofg caused it pain and locks them away, sometimes forver without ever recaling it. It is a defense mechnism. I understand it. I don't even recognize her voice anymore. Like my father, I am now loving a ghost, she is ceasing to exist in my mind. And that is not a good thing.
I remembered this when I went for my ride. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for giving into nothing...I hate the fact that I would still take her back.....I hate the fact that she is happy in someone else's arms and bed....I hate the fact that if I wasn't a jealous loud mouth drunk that this may not be happening right now....I hate the fact that I really miss her...I hate detaching because it makes me seem out of sight and out of reach to her....And I hate the fact that I am so far awy right now....
You really should focus on acceptance, which not only means accepting her R with OM, but accepting all these other things you "hate". Once you start that , you'll see how all these things intertwine with each other and play their role in why things are the way they are and thngs get easier from there to deal with.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I invited this woman to lunch, no girlfriend and no desire to start that on any level. But I have a bad feeling about it, a real bad feeling, like I should not do this.
Then don't....I told you about my "almost screwups" in the same vain as your "lunch". If you wouldn't have done this in the best of times in your marriage...don't do it now.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Hard to believe, but 3 of the 4 get mad that I want her back and have told me so straight out. Want us back together, they don't even really acknowledge her! Oh, yeah, I have my answers and I know it looks like BS, I do not extract or expect pity, pity is for losers. I don't have to finish first in this or finsih last to win. I have to be me. That I am. My hope is gone, of that there is no doubt anyomore. I even hate hte word. But, my Faith is unreal, absolutely unreal. I have Faith in things I have had before and things are working for me. Hope is for the weak. Faith is for those who believe. that is me. You are arguing with the man who tells his kids not to tell him to kick her to the curb, becasue she is sleeping with someone else. I am the one who tells then I don't want a date because I am not up to it and they argue, go out find someone, have a fling, doesn't bother her and she's doing it. I have to argue this. they are not telling me this to make me feel better, they know it hurts to hear it. that is why "we" don't talk about it. trust me, if she was to move to the other side of the country with OM, these kids wouldn't go to her going away party.
this family has been tight and as far as the kids are concerned , she has been acting selfish and fullof herself for over 2 years and they are disgusted by it. they would not come down to our campground because of her antics. that's right!!! Her antics. My son in law was so put off by her actions two nights befor ethis happened that he told my daughter she will never be alone with my son, ever!!!
Oh trust me, I am not posting lines of crap here for pity, I have enough poeple around trying to toss that at me. No this is purely this, I cannot see her face, she is that far gone from me tha tI cannot see the inevitable. Hope is gone and it hurts to type it let alone say it. My Faith, well lets just say that people who know me see that as a huge part of who I am right now. MY Faith in me and Him right now is beyond comprehension, that is no BS!. I am in control of my emoitons, it is my logic that fails with regard to her, there ar eno tears, there is no backpedaling, there is only Fiath in my belief, nothing else in this situation matters, at all!
I am sorry to have offened you, but I know what is around me at all times, I am high on this hill and the master of my domain, and believe me, arrows come from all sides. I posted to you last week that my oldest D finally now believes that she will come back, why, because she told me she sees it in my eyes when I talk!!! No BS there...This didn't just happen, and I believe my kids knew about things and her antics way ahead of me. Pretty sad when I start to add up things about me and my kids and her and my kids and why they are strong to me...This wbsite isn't ig enough, but when and if you meet them, ask them, who went to parents night, who went to college night, Who drove them everywhere, who scraped together money whne they needed it, etc...she was a good mother, a great mother, but they all noticed a change i her attitude over the past couple of years, the partying the flirting and all the rest. dancing like she should have a pole, thats right, my kids , her kids, made those comments. BS as to what my kids tell me, ah-ah....
This hurts them very badly, mostly for me, but for themselves as well. they have seen me come out of that funk rock solid and ready to rumble, they don't see her. wehn they do, she is a shadow of what they are used to, she doesn't fit in, has toulel talking to them without getting argumentive. Do you know how hard it is to keep my mouth shut when they say things about her and th eOM? Do you have any idea? thse kids idolize me, my oldest D has threatened this guy on the phone that she will tie him to her bumper and drag him up and down the mass pike until it is just rope.
I say nothing that encourages it, I acutally try to quelch it , I try to calm and tell them not to do it, thats right me, the name caller, becasue I do not ppropogate that in front of my kids or anyone else that might talk to her. I am the peacekeeper, I am the one with the level head in all this, I am the one with the FAITH!!!
Sorry to go off like that, but my post of ending this is just my frustration, I choose to go off here and think abou tit after. I will , from now on, go off in my head, think about it and decide whether or not to frustrate this board with my emotions.
Why don't you go out with your friends tomorrow and take a breather, sounds like one is direly in need. But, as your friends I'm sure one if not a few more would be more than happy to make sure you don't find yourself in a compromising position should the opportunity present itself, no?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I just wanted to jump in and say that I am still here with you sharing this ride. I hate it too. We are going to make it. It doesn't look like it is going to turn out the way we want it so badly to turn out. But it will turn into something and it really looks right now that what ever that is, it will be better than this. Your current pain is giving me a moment of peace. That seems to be the way it works. We cannot all lose it at the same time. Somebody has to chill to keep us afloat. I have been blaming myself for all of my stupid mistakes for the last 24 hours. People say don't do it, but they have no idea. I too, fix everything and I think that is what makes this so hard. Letting go seems to be the only option today. And even if that is exactly what we think she wants, that can't matter today. I say, let go. For now. For you. For me. This is our life now. Let's live it.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
i have already cancelled, and it was your earlier advice that helped me make that decision, god love you for that support man. I know I seem crazy at times, but to know me is to understand me. I have been to lunch and dinner with "girl" woman friends befor ewithout my W during the best times, but it was nothing more than having lucnh with friends.
You are good for me and swing a mighty 2x4. Just venting, but trust me I am in control of more than you think as my other psot explained.
I am, I made the phone call on my cool down ride. thanks, I know we all go through this, but it seems like it is getting closer between blow ups rather than farther away, AmyC said the last one would not be the last one. Boy was she right. But it is scary, I knew her so well, I could tell her by the lines on her face, the feel of her skin, now I can't remember what she looks like? I do, mostly, but niot even close to before. She is truly "alien" to me. I am going to go out, just us guys, have some fun, few beers and roll....
True true. Nothing is the way I want it with regard to her right now, and I can't fathom how it will be let alone how I would like it to be....It isn't easier bolting, but it hurts like hell dragging this albatross up and down hills...
