Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Apologies in advance for length. Here's the link to my last thread: "Trixi going on long trip in car with H"
I arrived at H's house first thing Wed morning to take SS (with H riding along) to rehab. On the way to the house, I heard that the pass we needed to take was closed, so we decided to go a couple hours out of the way and use a different pass over the mountains. 20 miles down that highway and we were turned around because there had been mudslides. Long story short--torrential rains and melting snow was creating disaster areas and the 2.5 hour trip turned into a 8 hour trip. We had to travel to a pass out of state and then come back up on the other side of our mountains.

SS FINALLY told H that he couldn't stand RM. And that it felt like he was "picking" RM over him. Lots of tears from SS. H was initially VERY defensive. Sort of accusatory towards me "How come you never said anything about RM until Mama is in the car?!?" (The implication that SS doesn't have these feelings--that he is passing along MY feelings.) Anyway, H said he felt ambushed and persecuted by the two of us and now he was "trapped" in the car. He got angry; lobbed some doozies at SS. SS lobbed 'em back. I cried. Things got very tense.

Finally, H seemed to really "get" what SS was saying. He didn't say that RM would be immediately kicked out, but he did say that dramatic changes would be happening in the house. SS plans to go to a sober-living house, anyway, so now there isn't really a "crisis" to deal with RM. H had to admit that RM wasn't treating SS well...but he also had lots of excuses and minimizing statements. ie "Well, you know, RM is a real a$$hole. haha. That's just how he is, you just have to ignore him. haha." Sigh. One thing I know about H, he does consider what is said to him, even if initially it looks like he doesn't.

Having said that, H plans to quit smoking within the next week, and along with that quit drinking and smoking pot, too. So, RM will have to take his smoking outdoors or just quit himself. (Which is what H is suggesting.) H is sort of dependent on RM until March 10th when he gets his license back, so he doesn't want to upset the applecart too much. I said "If RM stole from you, wouldn't you kick him out and find another way to work?" H agreed that he would, but since that's not the case....

Good drop off at rehab for SS. H and I will go back to visit the weekend of the 17th. They have some family videos for us to watch; we'll get to sit in on a group session; and of course, we'll get to visit with SS and see how he is doing. I'm proud of SS- he has really fought for this.

After drop off it was 5:30pm and we hadn't eaten. (Keep in mind, we left at 8:30 in the morning.) So, we decided driving the long way around that night was not going to work and got a hotel room and went to dinner. Our hope was the major pass would be open by the morning, but if not, we would just take the 8 hour drive route.

H and I got in a big fight over RM. I called him out on picking RM over son- how I would never forget when he said he *would* pick RM over his son. He clarified and said he meant it's easier to live with RM and that son is disrespectful and hard to live with. Not that he was truly picking RM over son. :|

I'll own up to the following-- I drank WAY too much that night. I was tired, I was overwhelmed with emotions on so many fronts... we went to dinner and I had a drink. (That's not where I drank too much.) Then we went to the store to get some toiletries for the overnight stay and we got a bottle of wine and some treats. We went back to the hotel room where we argued some, talked some, drink the bottle of wine. So, of course, I failed miserably in "holding his feet to the fire".

The next day I was exhausted from lack of sleep (bad pillows) and also hung over. I looked and felt terrible. Turns out, the roads were WORSE than the day before and the long way around was no longer an option. I-5 was shut down and there was no detour. All the passes were closed. The only way back across the mountains was a flight. So, we were trapped. We went to wallyworld to get a change of clothes and more toiletries. H was fawning all over me; he was very sweet and attentive. Kept saying that he was happy to "take care" of me. I was happy to accept.

The extra time was good. He took care of me, I got some sleep by having my head on his chest while he rubbed me and kissed my forhead. We decided there was a 'reason' that we were "forced" to spend more time together because then we could really get some talking done.

*He doesn't like feeling like he "needs" me in his life; he finds me irresistible and that bothers him, too. (After 14 years together, is that really such a bad thing?)

*He knows that if he comes back, it is forever. Right now, because he doesn't feel like he "can't live another day without me", he doesn't think he's got the staying power to make it long term. OTOH, he does find it interesting that I seem to have this 'power' over him. (Not sure how he could ever get the "I can't live another day without her" feeling when we've been together for so long.)

*He feels scared that if he comes back, he will lose a part of himeself--the rebel part. (Which, after he said he was going to quit smoking, drinking, etc I asked what part of the "rebel" would I be squelching? no answer.)

*He said that if he does decide to come back, we should go to retrovaille or some such thing to get help to do things differently. He just isn't ready to say he is ready to come back; thus no need to go to retro. (He brought up retro/"something", not me.)

*He is starting to be able to look at pics from the past (when I was overweight and refusing to go stuff with him) and instead of just feeling angry and resentful, seeing 'missed opportunities' and even smiling a couple of times. (I pointed out that as we move forward there will be more opportunities that will be 'missed' if he doesn't plug back in.)

*We both acknowledged that there were some lonely times in the marriage for both of us. And that we had the potential to be a really awesome family. His thing is that the kids are grown now, so the chance is over. I say, the chance is never gone- and while we can't get their childhood back, we do have a chance to be an extended family and to raise grandkids together. (As opposed to being a fractured family.)

*(I don't like this next part) I said that I thought it meant something that he had gone out there to try to find someone to replace me and that he had been unsuccessful, so that should mean *something*. Not to mention that he had been around the block before we ever met. He agreed that I am not easy to replace. But then also added that he was "in a bad place" when he had gone out on the dates/hooked up with the girls.

*He is very happy with the changes I have made in the last couple years (especially since we separated) because I seem like a whole new person. (That always gets my goat- it feels like I should "thank" him or something. (This coincides for the "it's for the best" mentality that bugs me.))

*He wants to focus on kicking smoking and figuring out *why* he wants to avoid his emotions and/or needs alcohol to access his emotions. He's not even sure what it is. But he anticipates having to deal with a lot of emotions. In dealing with those emotions and making himself healthier, it will be like working on "us" because his head will be clearer.

*He wants to go to counseling to improve R with son and to help him work thru his stuff. He did ask me to drive. I said that if he planned to toss me out, that I didn't want to drive. He said he understood that. He's not sure *what* he will think once his head is clear, so he can't promise anything either way. He's open to re-committing in the future-but not sure if that's what he'll decide.

*Holding his feet to the fire- I "failed miserably". Moving forward he wants us to talk, it's okay to hold hands and go out and do stuff but no more sex. (Go ahead- shoot me for this- I said "So, that was the last time we're gonna have sex?" and he chuckles and says "For a bit, yeah.")

I dropped him off at his house late last night and that was that.

I will say that there is a part of me that is excited for him to quit smoking, etc etc (naturally) but hand in hand with that, I sort of wonder if he isn't trying to groom me to have us be "friends" while we divorce.... He mentioned wanting to go out with DD to just talk and hang out. (Like father/daughter) and that he and SS would continue to go to counseling once SS was done with rehab. IOW, he was wanting to actively work on (re)building a relationship with them. I sort of felt 'jealous' (for lack of a better word) because it's like "okay, well, where is the effort towards rebuilding a relationship with ME?" and the answer was "quitting smoking, etc IS sort of like that, because I will become clearer." ...Huh. okaaaay.
....just felt a bit like I was being ex-communicated from the family. It's probably a stupid way to feel, but what can I say.

I'm exhausted today. A lot to catch up on since my 'half a day' trip turned into a day and half with excessive driving and a lot of emotional upheaval. Plus how confused I feel when he says I am irresistible to him, he loves me, feels like he needs me in his life, BUT.... I flipping hate that BUT part. I DO understand that he wants to be absolutely sure before he recommits...how do we get there? Is it *really* by quitting smoking? Is the answer going to blow thru his front door?