I know it seems imposing, that is why you need to take it one day at a time.It certainly won't happen overnight, so don't expect that.If you had told me that I would be 16months into this and still be married, I would have laughed in your face.But db'ing works, you will eventually be calmer, more self assured, and a much more grounded man.You will surprise yourself.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
An honest answer. : ) Do your best. Do your damndest.
Some of those things are easy to do once you catch yourself a few times. GALing is easy to do once you start and you enjoy it.
Overthinking, that is hard to stop, that takes practice and effort not too. I found it easier to do with distractions, losing myself in playing with my sons. Or a project.
Really seeing your faults...that is hard. Most people coming here simply cannot see how they contributed to their marriage failing, as if it was all their spouses fault. Boo hoo poor me. Seriously, it seldom if ever is one sided.
She has more than likely told you a bunch of reasons that are your fault. Some are untrue and some are true. The ones that are false, those are asy to tell, you know they are untrue. If you are skinny and I call you fat...simply untrue. The ones that sting a little, you need to examine, it stings because it hurts, and it hurts because there is a measure of truth to it.
Pressure...anything that makes her feel like she has to do something or commit to something. Guilt as well. Avoid it. Learn how to talk without these things. Listen to yourself and see how much you use it. We all did, some of us still do and make excuses as to why we did. Anytime you say, "I know, but..." You just made an excuse and I don't care.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It sounds like quite a list, but you don't need to do it all in one day! You are in for a long haul, at best. Actually, if you do it right, a lifetime. Do what you do well, and then add to it. Don't do it all, but none of it well!
Jack! My changes are going fine. Not that W seems to notice a thing. Hey! That's the point, I'm not doing it for her!
Just bought the following books... 1. The Divorce Remedy 2. The four Agreements
So far, TDR is very inspiring. I'm giving DB'ing my best effort. This is so hard for me...As a kid, I absolutely hated when this kid used to threaten me with, " Your getting pounded after school at 3:15" (school was out at that time). I dreaded 3:15 all day... Now that my W has told me about how she isn't sure how she feels about me (ILYBNILWY). In a way it's like, I'm waiting on 3:15 again... I'm dreading being told "I Want a Divorce"... It's so damn funny how I relate the two. Same old feeling of impending doom I guess...
You're worrying about something that may not happen. How smart is that? How much time you are wasting on something that may, or may not happen.
Bet it affects your outlook, bet it makes you melancholy, bet she notices that. And unless you're into the Goth or Emo scene no woman is going to find that attractive.
Living in dread isn't much living at all. That is not you is it? A timid mouse?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack, Are there any baby steps that I can take to make this sitch any better, or, Is this a waiting game until the way she feels changes. I don't see that I can improve anything much, other than giving the W the space she asks for.
Not much in a swinging for the blechers sort of mood today trapt. Besides you cannot convince someone of something if they don't believe it.
That being said trapt is right. But I, he or anyone else can say that until we are blue in the face and it won't matter if you don't want to hear it.
Baby steps - are little postive things you see in her and her actions with you.
Baby steps for yourself is going another 5 minutes on the tradmill, adding 5 lbs to your curls or doing another 3 reps. Smiling when you can and smiling when you're hurt.
Read the book. Focus on Cheeseless Tunnels AND GALing.
Read the book, then go back and re-read it with a highlighter. That mirror will always be there, saying you cannot improve means your perfect. ; )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
