I need to tell you all something, I am goingout with friends tomorrow. I invited this woman to lunch, no girlfriend and no desire to start that on any level. But I have a bad feeling about it, a real bad feeling, like I should not do this. No He is walking with me on this, It is not Him that is telling me no, it is me, there is something inside me. I have not seen my W in two weeks to the day. I have gone longer, but it irks me.
This is the scary part, I can no longer see her face when I close my eyes to go to sleep. I tried very hard last night and couldn't remember every line in her face, the color of her eyes, the shape of her mouth, nothing....I know some of you can relate to that. I can't fathom not being able to conjure up that image. This why I am scared and why I am frustrated, I am so far away, things I knew, so mattter of factly, are gone!!! Gone, out of my memory, gone.
My father is dead and I remember everything about his face how he looked, everything and that was 4.5 years ago. This has been 5.5 months!!! The mind does things to protect its host, it blanks out things that ofg caused it pain and locks them away, sometimes forver without ever recaling it. It is a defense mechnism. I understand it. I don't even recognize her voice anymore. Like my father, I am now loving a ghost, she is ceasing to exist in my mind. And that is not a good thing.
