The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[breakaway]

Okay, Mel, you asked me...;P The interesting thing to me is...she asked why would you stay with an alcoholic, and your first few answers were about why you might stay...and then the rest of it was just excusing alcoholism. So that's two different things, really.

1. Nobody's perfect.

I'm glad you realize that. Please apply to yourself now!!! lol

2. He completely quit drinking in August 2005 and didn't have another drink until this past July.

Okay, so...you're saying, he was drinking...and now he's drinking.

3. I have isssues with Alcoholics Anonymous. The main issue I have is that a person is an alcoholic forever. I understand the theory behind it. But telling that person that they are sick for the rest of their life, when they have completely given up drinking, is difficult for me to stomach. I like SMART Recovery and a few others. My H's uncle has been sober for 25 years which is a huge accomplishment. Is he still sick? It's just a "me" thing.

I'm curious,why is it difficult for you to "stomach?" Interesting word choice. As in it's more than you disagree with that, but that it makes you sick...why? Because that's too much to accept? I'm really just wondering here, not being rhetorical.

Anyway, here's my take on it. I guess it depends on how you "define" an alcoholic...(which you seem to be spending the rest of your post trying to define it "away" sweets). Do you think your uncle can drink alcohol? What would happen if he did drink alcohol? The fact that he is sober and has stayed sober is fantastic, but if he drank alcohol he would not be able to "handle" it. Because he's an alcoholic.

Your husband stayed sober for a while. Great. What's he doing now? Drinking. Did he get cured and then get alcoholism again? It's not a virus, Mel, it doesn't "go away." My dad's an alcoholic but he's been sober for over 30 years. But he CANNOT drink.

4. The biggest influence alcohol had on our marriage is that I believed he loved the alcohol more. I was in constant competition. But I was doomed before that, because I was pregnant when we married. I didn't believe he really loved me and the drinking reinforced it. If he takes me back by choice, then my story changes. What I've always believed to be true, becomes false in an instant. How miraculous is that? And if I believed he loved me, how would I treat him different? It also changes the way he treats me because I'm not at a constant pity party.

I don't think you're ready for a 2x4 about this. I just hope one day you'll look back at this statement with new eyes.

5. The money it cost was....a lot. Cause we were spending $100 on booze a week easy. Not sure how I will handle that, but I'm not going to let it be as big an issue as I have in the past. Are the bills paid? Do we have everything we need? Okay. Quit panicking.

Great that you are not panicking, but at the same time you are telling yourself it doesn't matter how much money he spends on drinking.

6. H doesn't think he has a problem. I know, I know. I'm definitely not saying he doesn't. But social issues were never it. I worried going home to my parents, but it was never bad.

You know, you know?? Then why did you put that on your list!! No wonder he thinks "it isn't bad" with you already saying it. MEL!!!! You are doing the comparing thing...well it's not social issues, well, it's not that bad, well, it was never so bad I didn't have to leave.

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T THINK HE HAS A PROBLEM. LOL. Hallmark of the alcoholic, no?

7. My biggest worry/aggravation was that he put the family in a bad spot if something were to happen (dui, wreck, etc). That pissed me off the most. And it still does. But I spent a lot of time worrying about what had never happened and may never happen. I can' predict the future.

I can predict the future. People who drive drunk get DUI's.

Once he quit these worries went away. He and I talked again last night. He says (Breakaway, don't you laugh at me!!!) that when he chooses to have a drink now, it's because he wants one, not because he needs one. Maybe it's a learned line.

Now, Mel...why would I laugh?? YOU KNOW WHY. lol again. Actually I'm not laughing, sistah. It's only funny because you already know what bullsh!t that is.

7? 8? I am going to treat the alcohol different. I am not going to scream, cry, beg, plead, or fight the alcohol. It only helps it win.

This part is true.

What I can do, is make the rest of our lives better, so that I don't have to compete with the alcohol. If there is nothing to escape from, then he won't want to drink.

This part is not true. It says you are still competing with the alcohol. It says you think you can control what an alcoholic does, that you can control what the alcohol does. THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY NOT AND NEVER GOING TO BE TRUE. This is the part that is the codependent's "disease." He wants to drink because he's an alcoholic, Mel. Alcohol has control over him. You don't have control over alcohol or him. YOU ARE MAKING IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is HIS responsibility.

The first step in a 12 step program, is admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable.

Mel, is this why you don't like AA? Does the word "powerless" make you crazy? Sweetie...you are powerless over alcohol and what it does to your husband. It has made your life unmanageable.

I say all this with love and infinite compassion. I say it to tell myself again as well. The thing is, you aren't powerless over yourself. So that's the good news.

Well, what do you think?


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