This is I suppose a quite outrageous bump of my thread (currently at the bottom of page 2 ).
I've not been posting here recently due to having a very hectic work schedule, lots to do at home with the little one, and any spare time I've been posting on another board.
Anyway, just to let posters on this board know that I very much appreciate (and will never ever forget) all the help I've received here over the last couple of years, both when lurking and posting.
To update on my situation, despite the undoubted extra physical and emotional pressue of having another child, my wife and I are doing great. I would go as far as saying absolutely great. Things are so different this time around it is (at times) unreal. Sure, there have been very difficult days, some big rows etc, but I'm learning to confront and work through these issues and then move on in a strong but calm and loving way. I think the last 18 months (pregnancy plus since birth) have been a real test of the "new" me, just as much as my wife i.e. would I be overwhelmed by the extra pressure? would I fail to support her in the right ways all over again? would I go back to my "Nice Guy"/PA/anxious/fearful ways? (Would we wind up in a SSM all over again?)
I'm pleased to say that overall the answer is no. By remaining (fairly) disciplined but balanced during this whole period I have kept up my momentum, even when the going got tough. And I know my wife has noticed all this (I'm sure she had her own very similar doubts) and realised that this new me is not just a phase, but the real me, able to do what needs to be done for her, the children and me, and in a relaxed and happy way.
That in turn has brought the best out of her (leading by example). She is so much more happier and relaxed these days, (even with all the extra stuff on her plate), it is a joy to see. All things considered, I would say my marriage is as healthy (perhaps healthier) than its ever been. It is productive, but also playful and flirty. I referred in a previous post to taking it very slow and easy on the ML front, not in a "Nice Guy" way, but because I wanted things to grow back in a relaxed and natural way. That approach has started to bear fruit.
The future is an open book of course, and anything can happen. But I am very optimistic about my marriage, and perhaps more importantly my capacity to cope with problems that will undoubtedly arise. And this source of optimism comes from within me, based on my own desire and determination to get the best out of myself, my family and life generally, plus reminding myself regularly that I do not and never will know it all, and that I must continue to think, read and improve whenever I can.
There is a powerful spiritual content to my whole outlook on life which I do not think I would have discovered if I had not been in a SSM. It was a blessing in a very unlikely disguise.
So I would say, specifically to any man posting or lurking here who is in or thinks he is in a SSM, and who does genuinely want to do something about it (as opposed to simply complain), to be prepared to dig really deep, into yourself, into your marriage, into everything in your life, into what sex is really about. Be prepared to be brutally honest with yourself, to let go of many of the ideas about women, love, marriage and sex that you have held perhaps for many years. Be prepared to be humble and learn very new even difficult skills. Be prepared to work hard and take risks. Be prepared to give yourself to a woman on all levels, without expectation. Be prepared to discover or rediscover your life's purpose. Be prepared to teach yourself how to be passionate.
So read the other threads from very smart and enlightened posters on this board, read the books recommended time and time again, and start actually practicing what they say. Strip down to your very core and start growing all over again. If you do all that I've said, there is every reason to suppose that you will improve your marriage. Every reason. It does take relentless effort. But men are made for that. And it is definitely worth it.
Wishing everyone a brilliant New Year.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
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